


Atonement (On Hiatus)

by motherofdracaenas



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Psychological Trauma, Re-earned Trust, SensualSmut, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:54:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 80,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25998586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motherofdracaenas/pseuds/motherofdracaenas
Summary: You are a ghost from Kylo Ren's past – a memory he's had to consistently rebury, but fate brings you back to him, reminding you both that you are two who were once one. Now you’re faced with conflicting emotions as you learn to trust your other half again.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/You, Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 51
Kudos: 129





	1. Old Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had felt like a lifetime of staying under the radar. Always looking over your shoulder, suppressing your abilities, renouncing the ancient teachings that had once anchored you. Here on Jakku, you’d worked hard to feel nothing, to be nothing. And now he’d come to remind you of all that you were and could’ve been. Of all he could’ve been.

Whispers carried like a sand storm, blanketing the town in a frenzy. You first heard the rumor at the markets, then again while trying to blend into the background of a cantina. It was always spoken in code, but the message was clear.

 _The First Order was coming_. 

Yet there had been no sign of their presence, no sinister ships floating overhead, no stormtrooper sightings. Nothing. But, you didn't need physical evidence to know they were near.

You sensed it the moment they'd arrived. The shift in the atmosphere had prickled your skin, and that dull vibration you'd once fought to tame began humming faintly within your core.

You felt him.

It was undeniable, just like your connection had been years ago - a tethering of your souls, unable to escape the force bonding you together. And you knew that if you could feel him this strongly all these years later, he could feel you just the same. That left you with no other option but to flee.

Part of you, the stubborn part of you, wanted to stay and defend the planet where you had sought refuge. But you knew deep down that this urge was not all noble. You also had a selfish desire to simply face him again - look him in his eyes, and get the satisfaction of seeing him process his failure.

And maybe, just maybe, you'd get a glimpse of remorse in his expression. You'd spent years with the festering thought, _Does he regret what he's done?_

Even if he'd strike you down mere seconds later, it would be a satisfying end to know that he had spent all these years just as conflicted as you.

You now sat shuffling through your minimal belongings in a bag awaiting transport. The price had been hefty, but there was no other choice. You had to leave the entire system. Gods, if you could you would've left the galaxy completely, maybe in search of the solar system where the mythical planet called Earth was rumored to be. You imagined life would be far more peaceful there amongst its inhabitants. Surely they weren't marred by crippling wars and injustices.

You sighed, hunching your shoulders slightly in your crouched position. It had felt like a lifetime of staying under the radar. Always looking over your shoulder, suppressing your abilities, renouncing the ancient teachings that had once anchored you. Here on Jakku, you'd worked hard to feel nothing, to be nothing. And now he'd come to remind you of all that you were and could've been - of all that he could've been.

_Fuck._

There was that other part of you, ridiculous and absolutely naïve. An enticing notion that he was not yet beyond saving. That maybe if you could get through to him, you'd both somehow magically wake from the nightmare that had been that night 6 years ago. You shook your head defiantly, dusting off the sand from your cargo pants as you stood.

Images of the temple ruins set ablaze fogged your memories and the angry crackle of lightsabers clashing ricocheted through your skull. It had not been a dream. The jagged scar that ran across your stomach was proof enough that the experience had been lived. It had all been ruined, and the man you thought you knew had died in his own way that night. A victim of the dark side, just like the others.

"You ready?" The pilot's question brought you back to your harsh reality. Romanticizing the past was no longer a luxury you could afford to indulge. Your present situation was tragic enough. You were a fugitive once again, running from an old friend.

You gave a quick nod, and he began lowering the ramp. You slung your bag over your shoulder, taking a moment to look back out at the vast expanse of the planet. Off in the distance, the market place shimmered like a mirage. You smiled sadly, trying hard to create a vivid image in your mind that you could always remember. Jakku had been harsh to you, but it had been home.

And then in the blink of an eye it was gone, now shrouded in flames and smoke. A blast from behind had set it ablaze in a matter of seconds.

You tensed.

_I thought I had more time._

Your smile morphed into an expression of horror. The atmosphere suddenly felt dryer and more suffocating as you watched a fleet of TIE fighters overtake the market, firing at any civilians left scrambling in the chaos.

"We gotta go now!" The pilot snapped. He was now at the top of the ramp. "Did you hear me? Let's go!"

You stood frozen for a moment more, taking in the destruction. A wave of guilt coursed through you.

Arrogantly, you'd assumed he'd only come for you. If you just left, then the others would be spared. Wrong. So quickly you'd forgotten the dark path he'd now committed himself to. Domination, achieved through fear. This was the way of the First Order.

The sound of the ramp closing snatched you out of your daze, and you turned just in time to leap on board. The pilot shot you a glare from the cockpit but quickly refocused his attention on starting up the ship. You settled in a seat near the back window and watched in sorrow as smoke tumbled upwards in billowing clouds, engulfing the once lively space. You could now see stormtroopers on foot marching through, ordered to terminate anyone defiant enough to still be breathing.

You were shaking. The energy within you was unbalanced. Anger simmered at the top of all of your emotions, threatening to boil over and send you cascading into the dimness your Master had warned you about long ago. You bit the inside of your cheek roughly, fighting to breathe steadily. What could you possibly do? Your weapons were no longer in your possession. They had long ago been discarded, becoming extensions that only seemed to weigh you down with painful memories.

The ship lurched forward roughly and began its ascent, but the danger had already lengthened its reach. You'd been spotted. Three TIE fighters had circled back around and were on course in your direction. You swallowed.

"Are you seeing this?"

"Yeah yeah...once we get above the atmosphere, I'm gonna punch it." The pilot murmured anxiously as he slammed down on numerous buttons. The ship suddenly picked up speed.

You gripped your seat, watching the TIEs close in, bracing yourself as they began firing. Their shots sent the ship rocking and jerking as the pilot tried desperately to maintain control.

Something had to be done. You felt that forbidden surge creep beneath your skin and instinctively rose your hand, opening your palm against the window. You hadn't wielded the force in years. If it were not for the pilot, you would have accepted this as the end of your journey, but you had to try for his sake.

The TIE fighters had moved even closer now, shooting off rapid rounds. Your panic threatened to throw you off balance, but you swallowed down the fear. It would do you no good.

The movement was minimal in your wrist as you closed your eyes and focused, but every muscle in your body felt strained. You could hear the curses of the pilot up ahead but honed in on your teachings, trying desperately to bend the chaotic energy to meet your need. You were rusty, but it would be enough. The tingle in your fingertips signaled that it was working and your eyes fluttered open to a view of the TIEs now stood suspended in the air, frozen completely. You wanted to rejoice that it had actually worked, but it was taking everything in you to keep them at bay. Relief would only come once you were far enough away to release them.

"What did you do?" The pilot threw back a glance. He sounded genuinely concerned as he caught a glimpse of the strange sight on his detector. "What are you?"

Before you could respond, you felt your hold begin to slip away. You weren't strong enough. They were pushing through. One by one, the ships pulled forward as your power waned.

You gasped as the sudden tear in the force sent you crumbling out of the seat. Your breathing was erratic, but you quickly scrambled back to your knees to get a view again. They were charging forward, faster then before, firing without hesitation as they closed in. But then something peculiar happened.

You watched as the three ships were simultaneously obliterated by several rapid blasts from behind.

A TIE of much larger proportion came zooming through the wreckage and smoke without hesitation at a speed destined to overcome your ship in seconds. The flyer was soaring with an aggressive determination, void of regret or sorrow for the fellow pilots they'd just blown to bits.

That feeling you'd felt before intensified at the sight. _It's him._

The panic you'd been fighting came cascading down on you all at once. You were so close to breaking the surface. So desperately close to escape, but you could feel it all slipping away. An overpowering sensation settled within your core as a ringing sound began bouncing between your ears. You slumped back down on the ground, pressing your palms to the floor as you tried to fight it, heaving sporadically.

Then suddenly the ringing stopped and your body felt weightless as you descended into a painfully familiar dimension. The chaos of the situation around you ceased as your mind morphed into an open stretch, limitless, clear, and void of your surroundings.

And then it was just the two of you.

The realization struck. Even in terror wrought by him, the bond you shared offered a space of clarity. Serenity even.

You couldn't see anything, but his presence was potent. There was no sound but his ragged breathing echoing through the balance and the muffled roar of his ship's angry engine. 

Then you heard him speak. Your name, the name you had ceased to go by for years pierced through the bond, and somehow it still sounded like a prayer on his lips. A shiver sat into your spine as you processed the sound of his voice. It was still the same, a deep rumble that rippled through you. There was a pause, and then his voice struck again, this time heavy in disbelief.

_How?_

His question reverberated through your mind, growing unbearable, and you pulled back, breaking the connection. You gasped, gripping the edge of the window as the reality of the situation came barreling back.

The pilot had been screaming at you as he tried desperately to pull up "Did you hear me? Try again. Try aga-"

The impact of the TIE fighter came not even a second later, and the ship went spiraling down. Instinctively, you tapped back into the force, focusing your energy on keeping the pilot still and slowing the speed at which the ship was falling. You grit your teeth, trying to maintain balance. Then you felt an external tug on the force. Someone was helping control the speed of the fall as well.

 _He wants me alive, but for how long?_

He'd shot his own men down to get to you. Maybe he wanted to do the deed himself.

The landing was not pretty, as the ship skidded a couple of feet, but you were safe. You released your hold on the pilot and the ship, slumping back into a heap on the ground. Smoke began billowing through the ship as alarms blared. The pilot came stumbling back to you, sputtering as he inhaled.

"You alright? You alright?" he shook you gently.

Suddenly, the ramp door was torn back, and loud heavy footsteps began ascending. You instinctively force pushed the pilot behind you.

You'd heard rumors over the years of what he looked like now. Some said he was disfigured like Vader. Others swore that he'd become something like a cyborg, made up of parts and pieces that replaced his battle scars. You'd always assumed that anyone who truly saw him up close, couldn't possibly have lived long enough to tell the story. As the smoke settled around his figure, you waited to see if any of it was true.

You'd have to wait. A dark metallic mask shielded his face and a long black cloak engulfed his body. He was completely covered, not even a peak of who he once was. He stood tall, his fists balled tightly at his sides as the visor of his mask landed on you.

 _Ben._ You tried desperately to tap back into that force connection. If he'd heard you, he completely ignored it.

"How?" he repeated, the modulation of his voice only emphasized his cold tone.

You swallowed. You knew exactly what he was referring to.

"How?" He stepped closer.

You pushed yourself up to stand, fighting the fatigue from your over-excursion. The pilot shuffled further back behind you.

"I killed you." He hissed.

"You tried." It was like an impulse to toy with him, but you were both so far from those days of playful banter.

He lifted his arm, and your body lurched forward, suspended in the air a few inches from his raised hand. You could feel the edges of the force against your windpipe. This was it.

 _Suffocation? Hm. I thought I was worthy of something more creative._ The force tightened _._

He'd heard that.

You couldn't help but find humor in the situation. Laughter spilled from you as delirium coupled itself with your dwindling consciousness. The sound came out choked and strained as your throat constricted against the pressure of the force. He cocked his head slightly, watching you sputter in front of him.

You were dropped a second later, landing hard on your knees before him, gasping through your fits of manic laughter. It had all come to this. How foolish could you have been to think you could escape him forever? The only thing that snapped you back was a sudden gasp from the pilot. You turned your head and saw him suspended as you'd been, grasping at his neck, his face turning pale.

"Stop." You croaked standing quickly and stepping between them. "It's me you want. Leave him be."

He flung you aside with ease. Your strength had been spent.

"There is nothing for him to be left to. This is mercy." Through the inhuman modulation of his mask, you could hear the grit of his teeth. But even after all he'd done, the statement still sounded rehearsed, like he was trying to convince himself just as much as you.

"Ben, Please."

You could feel it then, a sudden flicker of another force signature - one that had belonged to a boy you once loved fiercely. It was a signature like no other, timid and gentle at first, but bright and blinding when it was allowed to fully expand.

The pilot's body suddenly dropped with a loud thud on the floor of the ship. He was unconscious, but you could still detect a life force. Though his pulse was faint, he'd been spared.

You didn't know if you'd be so lucky. The signature you'd felt was fleeting.

The masked man turned his attention back to you, and just like that, the boy was gone.Your heart pounded in rhythm with the sound of his footsteps approaching you. Managing to move into a sitting position with your back against the wall, you raised your hand again in one final attempt to fight back. Immediately, your arms went flying back against the wall, pinned at your side as he neared. Crouching, the masked man took you in. His chest heaving, pure rage emanating from him.

"Ben." You started.

"You were dead. All of you were dead." He snarled pounding a fist into the wall beside your head.

You didn't flinch. "Ben."

"How did you survive? How?"

"I-"

"Skywalker...He did this." He stood abruptly.

You didn't even have a chance to confirm before you felt the heat of his saber at your neck. He had pulled it out and ignited it in one graceful motion. His mask was tilted down at you as he hovered above. You stared up into the cold metal, still trying to get into his head. Trying to salvage the version of him you once knew. You hit a cold wall of silence. He was actively blocking you out now. There was nothing sacred between you anymore.

At this realization, you allowed your eyes to flutter shut, a humming tranquility overtaking all of your cells. You were ready. The man before you was foreign. You had made your peace with knowing there was nothing left to fight for, nothing left to save. You could feel the warmth of the saber whir back as he prepared to strike and then darkness enveloped you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know this chapter kicks off with a pretty dreary view of the relationship, but I promise things slowly begin to lighten up as the truth from the past unfolds. 
> 
> Also, this story will rely on a lot of random flashback memories and will be told from his perspective at certain points, so I will be sure to distinguish the text when there is a shift.
> 
> Let me know what you think so far, and thanks for reading!


	2. Weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He tried to fight it, to control his thoughts, to not think about the past and all he’d done to ruin it. But his mind instinctively wandered to another time - when his only solace had been a girl he’d grow to betray.

You heaved forward, feeling the cold restraints immediately. You were bound by your wrist and ankles, strapped to a device holding you upright at an awkward angle. Bright lights shone down on you, pulling you back from whatever level of unconsciousness you’d just experienced. Realization settled in. You’d been put to sleep. 

The room was made up of black chrome walls that were quite pleasing to your eye, but the damn lights were giving you a headache. As you adjusted, you began to sense him again. 

“Relax” His modulated voice came from behind. 

You strained to look back, but couldn’t turn your head far enough. 

“I said…relax.” 

His hand passed in front of your face, and you slumped back under the spell, cursing internally. He had always been better at that trick than you. 

He made his way around to your front, squatting to look up at you from a distance. 

“Why am I here? Why am I still alive?” You hissed. 

He didn’t respond for a while. His gaze was trained on you, his mask hiding his expression, his intentions. 

“You’re my guest…and you’ve become an asset.” 

“An asset?”

He stood. “You know where Luke Skywalker is. He told you where he’d seek refuge…the night he healed your wounds. I saw a glimpse of it in your mind.” He couldn’t have sounded more disinterested as he clasped his hands behind his back. 

“The wounds you gave me.” You spat. Your anger was growing as the spell began to taper off. 

He didn’t flinch at your words, but you imagined he was glaring underneath the mask. 

“Take it off. You can’t hide from me. I know who you are, _Ben Solo_.” 

He was unmoved. “You hid the information deep in your mind, purposefully…but you will give it to me. You will tell me where Luke Skywalker is.” His voice remained calm as took a step towards you. 

You glared hard, twisting your wrist slightly in the restraints. 

“You will tell me where he is.” He took another step forward. 

“I will tell you wh-” You caught yourself, and tried to resist. You could feel the beginning of a headache setting in, but you fought to pull your thoughts back in, locking them deeper than before. 

He took another step, now hovering over you. “You…will tell me…where he is.” 

“Take…off…your mask.” You panted. 

He moved swiftly, lifting his fingertips to your temple, and you immediately felt a tug at the back of your skull.

_Fuck. When did he learn how to do this?_

You had to think of something quick, to scramble your thoughts perhaps. Or better yet use your thoughts like ammunition, shooting unwanted memories his way. Your breathing steadied even as you felt his intrusive hold tighten around your brain. _Focus._

> _You were back on the sacred grounds of the Jedi, tossing restlessly in your hut._

You felt a stutter on Kylo’s end as his grip on your mind loosened ever so slightly. He knew where this memory was heading, and you intended to keep him anchored, to require him to see that night through your eyes.

> _Your eyes shot open, and you pushed up on your elbows gasping. Something was off. Panic set in as your eyes watered and your nose began to burn. Your hands shot out immediately, summoning your hilts, and you pushed up, sprinting outside toward the temple, finding it crumbling and overrun with flames._
> 
> _Ash and smoke, such suffocating smoke, filled your senses, blinding you as you sought an explanation through the force. You stumbled through the rubble looking for any signs of your fellow padawans. You could feel energy still buzzing in all the ruin._
> 
> _There was something out there, you could feel it. You sped up, hoping to find survivors. This had to be an accident. Who would attack the Jedi Temple?_
> 
> _As you rounded a corner, you came to a sudden halt, finding a scene that made your throat close._
> 
> _Ben stood there deep in the ruins, surrounded by flames and piles of discarded bodies. His back was to you as his shoulders heaved, seemingly unaware of your presence. Then he stilled. Turning slowly, he moved to face you._
> 
> _He looked feral, his dark hair sticking to drenched skin, eyes cold and twitching, his jaw tight. He watched you for a moment, his gaze lingering on your weapons._
> 
> _It didn’t make sense that he’d done this, but your judgment had never felt more clouded._
> 
> _Reluctantly, you got into stance and ignited your sabers, one arched behind your back while the other guarded your front._
> 
> _He frowned, blinking rapidly as he lifted his saber with similar hesitation at first. It was evident that he didn’t want to fight you in the way that he lazily widened his stance. It was like he was going through the motions of a dream, while desperately trying to wake from it._
> 
> _But there was another energy present, a phantom unseeable and sinister. It lurked behind his irises, revealed itself in the twitch of his jaw, fought for release in the way he clenched his saber tighter._
> 
> _Then you realized, you were not facing Ben. You took a deep breath and lept at the shadow of the man before you._

He’d seen enough. You could feel him retreating from your mind before the memory could finish. He stumbled back as if he’d been stung. 

You were coming to as well, steadying your breathing while you relaxed back into the constraints. _Bingo._ _I got you._

He was silent for some time as he steadied. It looked like he’d stopped breathing. His shoulders weren’t moving, but there was a slight tremble in his cloak.

“Why…why did you do it?” You whispered.

He remained still, just watching you through that mask. It drove you insane. You always envisioned being able to see his face in this moment. It would never make up for all you had to deal with over the years, but it would be something, just to see a sliver of his remorse.

“I just don’t understand.” You continued softly. “I…I thought you’d stopped hearing the voices. You told me you’d learned how to shut them out.” You waited for a response, but he remained mute.

He turned slowly, clasping his hands behind his back, and faced the wall. 

“You didn’t even try to fight it.” You snarled, jerking forward. 

_Look at me you coward._

Swiftly he turned and marched back towards you. 

“You will tell me where Luke Skywalker is.” His tone was clipped, lacking any sign of emotion.

A choked sob left your throat as you tried to fight it again, but your energy had been spent projecting the memory.

The words slipped through your lips. “Ahch- To.” 

* * *

Kylo stormed out of the room immediately after your confession. He was shaken. All of his suppressed emotions were flooding past the dam of apathy he’d worked so hard to construct over the years. 

The First Order had planned on bombing the city and market weeks ago. They’d gotten intel that there were Resistance fighters hidden within the population, actively recruiting. 

It was to be a quick mission, in and out. But there was something that had been itching in the back of his mind since his arrival on the sandy planet. 

Eventually, the itch turned into a full-blown rash, flaring up the day that the fleet approached the market.

He thought it had all been a sick creation of his mind, but still, he had to know. It couldn’t be.

It wasn’t until he’d boarded your wrecked ship that his suspicion had been confirmed. He found you there, real and whole before him, gazing up with that fierce determination he’d always admired. 

He'd lifted his hand and saber against you in a moment of panic, assuming you were some demonic apparition sent to torment him, but the intensity of your signature had been too potent for it to not be really you. 

But you were supposed to be dead. He’d killed you. Or at least, that’s what he’d been told when Snoke pulled him from the rubble that night. It had all been a blur in truth. He couldn’t ever properly recount the events. He’d blanked in the chaos. 

Memories came and went. He could always vividly see the crazed look in his uncle’s eyes right before he’d brought the hut down. Then sometimes he could smell the smoke from the burning flames that engulfed the temple, but he could never see you, let alone fathom the idea of killing you. But it’s what he’d done apparently, what he’d lived with and accept for 6 years.

Embracing the dark side had come naturally once he’d mourned you fully. As he moved on, the whispers grew louder in his head, painting a much different picture of his past. They were unrelenting, and he eventually bought into the story being told. 

He’d never been loved, he’d never been accepted, never understood, never good enough…never. He’d been convinced for so long. So long, he’d rejected the notion that he had ever been worthy of grace. But here you were, dredging up illusions that he could see, and smell, and feel. They were quickly turning into memories, lived experiences that he could not deny. His internal conflict was ravaging him.

And Gods, your anger. Your dark emotions had shot out as soon as you’d woken up, coiling around him, and choking out his shame. As deserving of your hate as he was, it rattled him to digest this sentiment from you. What you both had shared long ago, had been so pure. Now it was nothing but a festering wound - ripped open and prodded with sharp claws. 

_I should not care._

He’d been summoned by his Master, and he knew he wasn’t in the best state of mind to face him. The façade of indifference he’d used to veil himself all these years was slipping. He desperately needed to get ahold of himself. 

He tried to fight it, to control his thoughts, to not think about the past and all he’d done to ruin it. But his mind instinctively wandered to another time - when his only solace had been a girl he’d grow to betray. 

> _Exiting the ship had been a process within itself. He had stalled it out as long as he could, his uncle eventually leaving to go gather the others. He played with his hands nervously as he paced, occasionally bumping into the little droid that rolled about. It seemed to be feeding off of his anxiety by making itself busy._
> 
> _“Sorry.” He mumbled, backing away from it after it let out a series of beeps._
> 
> _“Ben.” He heard Luke’s voice from down the ramp. “Come on out now."_
> 
> _He sighed heavily and started his descent. Stepping off the ship, he first noticed the gigantic temple that stood off into the distance, a reminder of how small he felt in the moment._
> 
> _There was no way he’d find meaning in that thing._
> 
> _His eyes stayed on the sight for a moment avoiding eye contact with the other younglings that stood before him, staring. Then he felt a low buzz ripple through him, fleeing through his fingertips, and his eyes snapped to the crowd, searching for the source of this sudden connection._
> 
> _It was a familiar sensation, something he’d felt numerous times when he was younger. It would come and go whenever he needed to process his anger, or whenever he’d felt alone, which was often._
> 
> _Blank stares met him as he observed the other pupils. Luke stood behind them, smiling warmly, but fiercely conveying with his eyes, “play nice.”_
> 
> _“Hi, I’m Ben.” He spoke finally and quickly diverted his gaze to the ground._
> 
> _There was some shuffling in the awkward silence that ensued, and he waited, holding his breath, squeezing his eyes shut as if that would block out the rejection he was anticipating. Then that buzzing sensation peaked again, and his eyes snapped back up, searching the crowd._
> 
> _Where was it coming from?_
> 
> _Luke cleared his throat, and the other pupils instinctively began speaking over each other, their voices in a forced out of tune chorus of “His” and “Hellos”._
> 
> _He released his breath and gave a little wave, quickly glancing back down. More silence._
> 
> _“Alright, everyone, back to your individual studies. Ben, you take some time to explore the grounds.” Luke spoke after a moment, and the crowd split up, fleeing in different directions, just as eager to get away from the awkward scene._
> 
> _Ben glanced up at his uncle who gave him a small smile and nod before walking away. All that remained was one student, still staring at him, a girl about his age. You._
> 
> _He swallowed as you began approaching._
> 
> _He was so nervous. You seemed non-threatening enough, but he still took a step back as he searched your face for judgment, mockery, disgust. School back home on Coruscant had been harsh on him. Having special abilities had never given him leverage with the other kids, only serving to further alienate him, solidifying his role as a freak._
> 
> _He feared that even though he was now surrounded by other force wielders, he’d discover something else about himself worthy of ridicule._
> 
> _But he found no such cruelty in your expression. There was nothing but kindness and a shy warmth that radiated from you. Then he felt it again, the buzzing from before, and it was growing quicker in pace throughout his body the closer you got._
> 
> _“Hi, Ben.” Your voice rang out in the sweetest melody as you extended a delicate hand. He hesitated before grasping it in his own. Even at the age of 12, he was bigger than most kids, so he took great care not to squeeze too tight._
> 
> _“Hi.” His voice caught in his throat, and a red shade engulfed his cheeks, spreading down to his neck and up to his ears like a wildfire._
> 
> _As his flesh connected with yours, the sensation grew into a pulse, like your energy was coursing through him. Then there was a small shock, and you both pulled back, flinching. He met your gaze. You were gawking at him with wide eyes._
> 
> _“I-I’m sorry.” He apologized instinctively._
> 
> _You shook out your hand slightly but a smile made its way across your lips._
> 
> _“That was cool!”_
> 
> _He blinked for a couple of seconds, eventually offering a bashful smile. “Yeah...”_
> 
> _You perked up suddenly and introduced yourself. He let your name soothe over him, peeking down at you through his eyelashes. His shyness was coming back. Why were you being so kind?_
> 
> _“Oh…um hi. It’s..it’s nice to meet you.” He tried to sound normal, but his heart was beating out of his chest. He couldn’t mess this up._
> 
> _“Same to you.” You blushed slightly. “Um…would you like to join me for my lesson?”_

And from that moment on you'd been inseparable. At that young age, you both had been too immature to understand the significance of your connection, but it was always there, bonding you together, and he sought only to tighten the hold. He would’ve followed you anywhere. 

Infatuation was an understatement, and obsession was too primitive of an explanation to describe his feelings. What he felt…it could not be quantitated or qualified. It simply was - an overwhelming sense of peace and belonging when he was near you. When you’d flash him one of those shy smiles, his heart would soar, and the whispers that had haunted him since he was a child would retreat. 

He needed to know you desperately, and he’d grown to in so many ways. Because of you, he made sense. That’s how he had always saw it.

But none of that mattered now. You were supposed to be gone, the bond had been severed for so long, and he needed to know how to keep it that way. 

He stood before a projection of his Master now, head bowed, fearing that his conflict was evident. Snoke watched him silently for some time then spoke.

“You are weak. The girl lives, and the mighty Kylo Ren withers at the sight of her.” 

He swallowed. “She is but a distraction Master. Her re-emergence was unexpected, but I am still prepared to complete our plan. She means nothing to me.” 

The holo glitched as Snoke sneered. Then it settled again. 

“And yet you were so imbalanced that you shot down your own men, wasting our resources, to what…capture her? You could’ve just killed her, but you’ve brought her back…alive. Why?” 

Kylo hung his head even lower. How could he explain? It had been reckless indeed, but in the moment, he'd only felt you. The burning desire to reach you had overshadowed all logic. 

“Master…I-”

“You killed her once before. Can you do it again?” His tone was curt.

Kylo felt sick. Your stunt earlier had triggered something in him he’d never had to sit with. Seeing those images before he’d done…whatever he’d done, it had been too much. 

Reliving it again, this time fully aware and conscious of his actions, he wasn’t so sure he could go through with that, and he hated himself for it. He was supposed to be stronger than this. 

He needed to act fast, to deflect. “I feel she will prove to be valuable. She knows where Skywalker is, and she can be…turned. Her anger towards me can be put to use.” 

“If need be, can you kill her again?” Snoke was not to be outmaneuvered.

“Yes…Master.” 

The being leaned forward, peering into his eyes with a scrutinizing gaze. He felt exposed, like his soul was being flayed. He knew he hadn’t been convincing, but he was more afraid of what that meant for you than him. Snoke would do far worse to you than he could’ve ever done. 

“She knows where the old fool is you say?” His Master sat back casually after some time. 

“Yes. He is on Ahch-To, a planet in the unknown regions. I will search for it immediately, Master.” 

“Take her with you then…This will be a test. To have her stand alongside you as you conquer her former Master...” Snoke pondered. “She will finally shatter, and you might be able to piece together a new apprentice from the shards. Her survival is conditional on this.” 

* * *

His chest was heavy as he neared your cell again. You needed to cooperate for your sake and his. 

Two stormtroopers stood guard. He stopped before them abruptly as a mischievous idea came to him. 

“Release the prisoner and place these on her.” He pulled from his cloak two cuffs meant to be worn as bracelets. They would help subdue your power and keep you from escaping.

He could have easily done the task himself, but he wanted to see something.

He waited outside as they entered, hearing the clink of your restraints being released followed by two loud thuds. 

His chest bloomed with something akin to pride and he marched in, finding you flexing your wrist and standing over the unconscious soldiers. He couldn’t help but smirk at the sight beneath his mask. Seeing you like this, wielding your powers so strongly again, and most importantly not against him, it was…arousing?

Your eyes flew to him and immediately you raised your hand to take him on, but he was quicker, stronger, and now more trained in the force than you. He watched irritation etch its way across your features as you were rendered immobile. 

“Stop resisting.” He spoke calmly.

He stalked over, bending down to retrieve the bracelets from one of the laid out trooper's hand.

Turning back to you, he spoke softly, “I don’t plan on fighting you unless you give me reason.” He reached and took your wrist gently, noticing how thin you’d grown. 

Something caught in his throat, but he quickly swallowed it down. He couldn’t show compassion now. That night had been destined, and clearly, your survival was as well. You were now nothing more than a reminder that he was still at war with the light. It was just the motivation he needed.

That true raw power he craved loomed ahead, and he’d be damned if he let his emotions stop him from grasping what was rightfully his. 

He wanted full stake in the Darkside and had prepared to sever all ties to claim it. But he was growing greedy at the realization that he might be able to claim you too. If only you would bend to him. 

He clasped the two bracelets on either wrist and clicked them into place, feeling an immediate decline in your force signature. The troopers were slowly waking as he began pulling you forward. 

“Have someone prepare my ship.” He ordered.

“Right…right away sir.” One of the troopers wobbled to his legs and scurried away.

“Where are we going?” You spat, trying your hardest to pull away from him. His grip only tightened.

“To find Luke Skywalker, and finally put an end to him…and the way of the Jedi.” 


	3. Between Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because he was absolutely right. In many ways, being stripped from a normal life, training as a padawan, and being turned into a soldier had been a form of servitude. You’d been chained to some pre-destiny that required you to set out and bring order to a galaxy you weren’t even allowed to explore at free will.

You'd never even wanted to be a Jedi. It hadn’t been some moral calling or an assumed role of social obligation. It had all been circumstantial, a responsibility thrust upon you at a young age.

Luke Skywalker had become your guardian at the age of 5, and to this day, you still couldn’t recall much about how you had come into his care. According to one of the protocol droids that worked at the temple, your parents had brought you one day, crying and begging for him to take you in.

They just didn’t know what to do with you, the droid recalled them saying. Your powers had started developing early and they feared for their safety and apparently yours too, so they felt that the Jedi Master would be the best solution for your upbringing.

You couldn’t even really remember what they looked like. They had never reached back out to check on you, and that was quite alright with you. 

It had always been funny to think that they’d sent you away to be indoctrinated into a faith that vehemently preached against resentment, when it was the very emotion you always felt when you’d think of them. So you’d spent years as a youth desperately trying not to think of them because anger simply wasn’t the Jedi way. 

But you hadn’t been a Jedi for quite some time now.

You sneered slightly, lolling your head against the back of the chair you were sitting in. You were in a sealed-off cell at the back of a smaller ship than the one you'd woken up on. The cell was pretty spacious, equipped with a small cot, and a semi-exposed refresher area. You’d been marched directly there right after you'd been cuffed. Several hours had passed.

You weren’t strapped down, but the loss of your powers was weighty enough. You rolled your wrist, observing the matte shade of the cuffs and sighed. Everything felt hopeless. A droid had placed a meal through a slot in the door earlier, but you couldn’t even think about trying to digest anything right now.

The hum of the ship suddenly kicked in beneath your feet as it entered hyperspace, heading for the Outer Regions. You’d heard some First Order Personnel discussing the coordinates earlier. They were going to destroy Luke Skywalker, and here you were being dragged along, likely to be slain right beside him. 

It was ridiculous but you couldn’t help but attribute all of this misfortune to the two who had abandoned you in the first place. They’d probably thought they were giving you the best chance, but they had actually set you directly in the path of snowballing chaos.

You had spent years trying to slow it down - trying to jump out of its way. And when it had finally swept you up, you thought you would finally be able to rest, but no. It had spit you right back out and resumed the cycle. Their decision had cost you in the long run – granting you immediate superficial highs only to be overshadowed by the cruelest of lows. 

The temple had been all you’d known for years, and Luke had been a rather awkward guardian if a guardian was even what you could call him. He was distant, and unapproachable at times. And as you’d grown, you became just another padawan to him, and he, just your Master, when in truth he had been the only parent you’d ever truly known. 

What made it worse was that your ideologies clashed almost poetically. Where he saw purple, you saw yellow. Where you saw opportunity, he saw wicked temptation. He found you to be contrarian, and you found him to be inhibiting. Agreeing was just something that neither of you could find the time to do.

You had stumbled across holos of him when he was much younger one time when you were in the library. The young and optimistic boy you saw through the fuzzy images did not compute with your current understanding of the older, far more reserved man you now knew. You wanted to know what could have happened for such a shift to take place, but he hadn't been forthcoming about his past. He had never been forthcoming about much of anything. 

But still, the thought of him dying because of your weakness shook you. He had been like a father, a stubborn, suppressing, and standoffish one at that. But he was all you'd known for so long, all you had as a guide, whether he realized it or not. 

And he’d almost risked his life saving yours that night, putting all his energy into some force healing power he’d never mentioned in lessons before. He’d always been reluctant about teaching certain abilities. It had infuriated you for years, and you had never been shy to let him know. 

But that night, you had no criticism to spare. For once, you just accepted his way and then went on about yours. 

Your cell door hissed open suddenly, and all your warring thoughts came to an immediate halt. The masked terror entered slowly, letting the door shut back behind him. He’d changed into something different and thankfully gotten rid of that grim cloak.

A long black cape was draped over his shoulders, wisping along the floor as he stalked in. The quiet tension in the room was almost deafening, safe for the scrunch of his tight leather pants and gloves. His build was more obvious now as the long-sleeved fitted vest he wore did little to hide his muscles. 

If he was anybody else, you’d be quite appreciative of the view. Even the ridiculous mask he was still choosing to wear was slightly more appeasing with this look. Your glare hardened at the unwanted realization. 

He took a seat in a chair across from you, staying silent as he settled and let his cape drape over the back. 

“I hate you.” It was an immediate impulse. 

His shoulders rose slightly, and he let out a slight puff of air. “Are the cuffs comfortable?” He crossed his legs nonchalantly. 

“Why are you acting like this is all normal?” You spat.

“Too tight perhaps?” He pressed, reaching for your wrist to inspect. 

You pulled back. “Ben…you can’t be fucking serious? Are we really going to avoid addressing all the shit that has happened between us? You can’t expect me to just-”

He stood abruptly and moved forward. “You will refer to me as Kylo or Commander Ren.” His tone was venomous as he pointed a stiff finger directly in your face. “This Ben you speak of…he’s dead.” 

Your shoulders tensed at his sudden proximity. You’d be lying to yourself if you said he didn’t make you jumpy, but you didn’t want him to know that. You had spent enough time running from him in fear.

“No…I don’t think I will.” You sat back confidently. “First of all, Kylo is a stupid ass name, and second, you’re not my Commander. I’m not a First Order puppet like you.” 

“I see you’re still just as defiant as ever.” You could detect the bitter tinge of humor in his voice. “I’ll change that.” 

His mask was still tilted over you menacingly, but you were unfazed. You’d already had to stare down a far more unsettling version of him before.

“You’d have to kill me first, and seeing as you failed the first time, I’m inclined to disagree.” 

Silence.

His cape snaked around you as he took agonizingly slow steps until he settled directly behind your chair. “So confident that you can’t be broken, are you? 

“Having a saber run through you and still surviving will do that to you.”

More silence. You swore you could hear him swallow.

Finally, the squeak of his boots came as he re-emerged from behind you, and neared the door. 

He stuck his hand in the slot and pulled the tray of food out, poking through it as he turned back to face you.

“You haven’t eaten.” 

Now it was your turn to be silent. 

He approached and extended the tray before you. “Eat. You’ll need your strength.” 

“For what? You’re just going to kill me when we find Luke.” 

“No…I’m not.” He sounded agitated. 

You rolled your eyes and looked away. 

“You need to regain your health.” His tone was on the cusp of begging. 

“Why?”

“Because I said so!” He growled and shoved the tray into your hands. 

You let out a little shriek and immediately cowered before him. The utensils rattled on the tray as you shook.

He crouched before you, sighing your name softly. He remained still for some time until you stopped trembling. Then he spoke.

“You must eat. A trooper will come later this evening to take you to the medical bay so your wounds can be treated. You'll need food on your stomach.” The modulation of his voice was much steadier now, subdued. 

You swallowed and blinked in confusion. “What wounds? I’m not…I’m not hurt.”

“Yes, you are. You sustained a concussion from the shipwreck, and you have a bit of internal bleeding. You're just running off of adrenaline...and anger, so you can't feel it, but I can…sense it. I feel it.” 

“Oh.” The thought crossed your mind to point out that the ship crash was his doing, but you bit your tongue.

He stood up and continued peering down at you for a few seconds before turning back to the door. He hit the button and stepped through it. 

“Eat.” He spoke again, right before it hissed back shut. 

* * *

His little show of affection, or whatever the fuck that had been, unsettled you, and had only driven your determination to get farther from the whole situation.

You didn’t trust yourself to maintain your resistance or resolve when he went around acting like that, so soft and familiar. Like he still had a semblance of care for you. It all had to be some deceptive ploy to get more information from you.

You made your move shortly after the doctor had left you alone in the medbay. All was quiet except for the occasional buzz coming through on your designated storm trooper’s comlink. Based on the messages he was receiving, many droids were shutting down for the night and most personnel were retiring to their quarters. It was now or never. 

The man who didn’t want to be called _Ben_ anymore had been right. Your strength needed a boost, and you were glad you had taken his advice to eat. The medical treatment had been much appreciated as well. 

Taking the trooper down had been a lot easier than you anticipated. Sure, you still knew how to handle yourself in a fight when need be, but you knew you had grown weaker, and without the force accessible due to your lovely pieces of jewelry, you weren’t so sure how you were going to execute your plan.

And yet, the stormtrooper laid unconscious before you now in a fetal position. All you'd had to do was complain about one of the cuffs pinching you. He’d sauntered over, full of arrogance and confidence to loosen it, and he’d fallen with a similar grace. 

The cuffs had added perfect weight to your punches.

What you were planning to do was still quite unclear, but you knew you had to at least get to the cockpit and try to take control of the ship. Fighting Kylo one-on-one was out of the picture. If you could just take control of the ship, you’d likely be able to send it crashing down somewhere, bringing this all to a swift end. 

The ship had been shifted to some low-energy mode, evident by the dimness of the halls. You crept past several closed rooms, then a lounge, and got turned around in a couple corridors. The damn ship was bigger than it looked from the outside. Finally, you heard the beeping of the cockpit coming from an illuminated room ahead and you quickened your pace. 

But as you passed another closed door, you heard a toilet flush and the sink turn on. You froze. 

_Fuck._

The door hissed open a moment later and you were met with two familiar honey brown eyes- bright irises you could recognize quicker than the Jedi code. Time ceased to exist as you both stood staring at each other. 

“Um..hi.” You spoke finally. Your words could have been mistaken for nothing more than a shaky breath. 

_Damnit. He’s still hot_. 

His face alone had left you transfixed. Your breathing was shallow as you took him in. He looked much the same, safe for a rough scar that cut up through his right cheek and into his brow bone- some of your handiwork from that fateful night. He had aged of course, his features more hardened, more rugged. And his hair had grown a bit, now reaching slightly past his shoulders and much darker, but it still fell in those soft loose curls you used to rake your fingers through. His nose was still as charming as ever, his moles were still scattered in clusters like constellations, his jaw was still criminally chiseled. And those lips…Gods his lips, were just as teasingly plump and puckered as you remembered. 

He stared down at you. Expression blank and cold. He didn’t look pissed or shocked that you’d broken out. Almost like he’d expected it, and was just disappointed that it had taken you this long. He moved out of the doorway into the dim light of the hallway, stepping closer to you, and you instinctively moved back. 

“Not the monster you thought you’d see?” He murmured. 

There it was again. That heavy voice you'd heard just a day ago when the force had connected you for the first time in forever. It was no longer disguised by modulation, and the sight that accompanied it now made it all the more crippling. 

You gulped stepping back again. He boxed you in until your back came against the wall. 

“How’d you get out?” He asked lowly. A glimmer of humor sparkled in his eyes right before he narrowed them. 

“Uhhh…J..Jedi..mind trick.” You stammered. It was the first thing you could think of. You were so flustered.

“Bullshit…you were never able to fully mastered that.” He scoffed arrogantly, still eyeing you. “And these.” He gently snatched one of your wrists, letting your cuff jangle. “These prevent you from doing that.”

He had a point there, but the slight at your abilities did not go unnoticed. 

You narrowed your eyes, preparing to fully give him the cursing out he deserved, but you caught your tongue. He was being too calm about this. Playful even. You’d been caught trying to escape and hijack the mission, and yet he was teasing you in the hall like you were back at the temple transitioning between lessons. 

Why had he not cracked your neck? 

An unsettling feeling crept back into you. Earlier he had acted as if he cared about your survival. You hated how your heart fluttered at the idea, even after everything he’d done.

Your eyes trailed past his face to glance at the light coming from the cockpit. He followed your gaze, reading your intentions.

“You were going to try and take out the pilot and crash the ship?” His tone was condescending, to say the least. “You didn’t think I’d sense you?” 

“I had to try.”

He brought his eyes back down to you, exploring your face in search of something he wasn’t yet ready to admit, but still, he gazed momentarily, taking considerable time on your lips before looking back to the cockpit.

“Would you like to sit with me while I monitor the flight route?” 

You blinked rapidly. He was inviting you, his prisoner, to casually sit with him? This didn’t make sense. Didn't feel right. 

Plus, the thought of being alone with him, maskless, where you could see all those little details about his features you had always studied when he wasn't looking?...It was more terrifying at the moment than anything you’d been through in the last 24 hours. 

Terrifying because you didn’t know how you would be able to handle it. Yeah, you’d wanted the stupid mask removed, but now that it had been, remorse wasn't the first thing you were searching for in his eyes anymore, it was something else…

“Will the pilot be there?” You cleared your throat awkwardly. 

He rolled his eyes. “I am the pilot. It’s me you would’ve had to take out if your little escape attempt had been successful.” 

Your cheeks grew warm. He had always been keen on piloting. It was more in his blood than being a Jedi. He used to talk your ear off about his father, Han, and all the features on his ship. He had learned everything there was to know about flying from him. They'd been so alike. 

“Still don’t trust anyone but yourself to fly a ship huh?” You couldn’t help but chuckle. 

He scoffed, "No. Do you see how easy you were able to sneak out? I don’t trust any of these idiots.” He turned and started down the hall. 

You followed hesitantly, taking in his large frame from the back. He wore what looked like pajamas, even though he clearly intended to be up. Dark grey sweats hung loosely around his waist and a fitted black shirt hugged his now fully exposed biceps. 

For a moment, your instinct of escape came back, and your eyes wandered his body looking for a blaster or saber print. 

“Don’t even try it.” He grumbled.

You swallowed. _Busted_.

You settled in the co-pilot seat next to him as he shifted some gears before leaning back to gaze ahead. Silence blanketed the space between the both of you for some time before you spoke. 

“You aren’t mad?” 

He turned his head slightly and shrugged. “You’ve always been a pain in my ass. I’d expect nothing less.” 

“Um…ouch.” You mumbled. You bit your lip, twiddling your thumbs for a brief second. “You’re not even going to put more restraints on me? I got out because I’m still able to throw a punch.” 

His mood and behavior were driving you mad. Did he know something you didn’t? Was this a trap? Why was he not upset?

“You’ve rarely ever been able to best me. I'll take my chances.” He smirked slightly. That arrogant gleam in his eyes made your own eyes twitch.

“I put that fucking scar on your face.” You snapped sitting up in the seat to face him head-on. 

“And then what happened?” He swiveled around to face you, deadpanning. “That night…what happened?”

For a moment he sounded sincere, like he genuinely needed to be reminded of the details, but then he shook his head and turned back around to face the panel.

Your skin simmered with rage at his casualty. That whole incident was something you still hadn’t discussed properly and to hear him admit so flippantly that he had indeed tried to kill you, sat you on edge. 

“I survived you. That's what happened.” 

He didn’t even react, just sat back more comfortably into his seat, crossing his arms over his chest as his gaze widened. The ship had just exited hyper-space.

“I hate you.” You whispered fiercely, turning back in your seat to watch the galaxy breeze by, feeling so small and lonely in the vast space. It seemed like some sick joke to think that the energy that hummed within yourself came from somewhere within all that shit, and yet you had never felt more disconnected, less anchored.

“It’s in all of it.” His voice came softly. 

You turned. “Huh?”

“The force, it’s not just somewhere out there. It’s everywhere. It’s here, between us now.” He shifted slightly. 

It took you a moment to realize he had once again read your thoughts.

“Get the fuck out of my head!”

“I’m not doing it on purpose.” He huffed, seemingly annoyed. “I’d like more than anything for it to stop as well.” 

You swallowed, tapping your fingers gently on the arm of the seat. “You sounded like your uncle a second ago, with all that, _the force is everywhere_ mumbo jumbo.” You murmured. 

At that he all but gagged. He sat up fully and gripped the arms of his chair.

“I’m nothing like him.” He hissed, turning his head to glare at you.

You rolled your eyes. “Anyway, back to the force.” You snorted, taking delight in getting such a trivial rise out of him. It was about time he got a taste of his own medicine. 

“You’re right, it is everywhere. It’s…hard to escape.” Your mind wandered to the first couple of years in which you’d struggled to close yourself off from it, for fear you’d be detected. It had taken a considerable amount of energy and commitment.

“So how are you so unaccountable with your use of it? You’ve completely abused your power and turned away from its intent.” 

He was still glaring at you, but his left eye twitched with excitement. He was salivating at the prospect of a debate. You internally rolled your eyes and sighed. 

He sat back cooly, crossing his arms again. “I lean into every angle of the force. Because it is everywhere and because it encompasses everything, that means it is made up of both good and bad energies.” 

He made a face. “I could even argue the presumption that there is a true difference between what makes something good or bad, but for the sake of this argument, let’s just agree that the definitions hold validity.” 

He paused. “The force has made way for itself to filter through expressions of virtue and _wickedness._ Why am I then not allowed to pull from all those sources? Why can't I reap the benefits of my anger and passions when they make me stronger? They serve just as much as fuel. If the force did not want me to do so, all would be balanced, and the galaxy would be at peace by nature, but it is not, is it?” 

He paused again, but only for dramatics as he let the hypothetical question simmer. “The Jedi have wasted centuries suppressing their passions, refusing to act on their emotions as if it made them superior. And what have they accomplished? More chaos. Disorder.” The argument sounded rehearsed, but he spoke with such conviction. 

You gulped but quickly shot back. “The side of light only seeks to tame the use of the force. Unchecked power leads to chaos and disorder just as well. And if it’s in all of us as you say, a single individual cannot then act upon their self-interests and use it for a specific selfish purpose. That contradicts everything.” 

“Now you sound like your old Master.” He sneered, not even wanting to give voice to his Uncle’s name. “The force should not be tamed. If it was given to you, why not use it for all of its worth?” He pressed. 

“That’s the thing though. It’s not something given to you. You’re more so assigned to it.” You sighed running your hands down your face. “You are merely a vessel, tasked with doing its bidding.”

“Sounds like slavery.” He yawned, stretching out his legs. 

You couldn’t immediately bite back. Because he was absolutely right

In many ways, being stripped from a normal life, training as a padawan, and being turned into a soldier had been a form of servitude. You’d been chained to some pre-destiny that required you to set out and bring order to a galaxy you weren’t even allowed to explore at free will. It had been a responsibility you'd never come to terms with. And it was subconsciously why you’d never fully taken to the Jedi code, always questioning and resisting some of the teachings, forever resentful of the ones who had left you with no other choice but to find meaning in all of it. 

You crossed your arms, rubbing them as chills ran down your spine at the sudden internal discovery. You stared ahead into the light speckled blackness once again, searching it for some sense of purpose, some explanation. You heard him shuffling beside you, but didn’t move until you felt a blanket being draped over your shoulders. You stared at him wide-eyed as he positioned it, wrapping it slowly around you. Once he had it situated to his liking, he tentatively reached to pull your hair out from underneath the fabric in the back.

“Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.” He whispered, tugging it tighter. “The conflict?”

His eyes betrayed his restrained excitement. He was giddy at the idea that he would soon be rescued from the loneliness of his inner strife. Confident that you would join him, understand him, forgive him? 

You blinked slowly, nuzzling further into the blanket. He suddenly felt like the closest thing to an anchor, holding you steady in the midst of all these violent waves of emotions.

The man who had once tried to take everything from you was now offering what exactly?...Affirmation? Validation? 

_It’s here, between us now._

His words repeated in your head as you shuddered. You were terrified. 

He was watching you with an expression of hope, seeking out confirmation of mutual understanding. You had always challenged him and made him think beyond his scope. He had appreciated it, but to finally flip the tables, and get you to bend to his logic? It excited him in more ways than one. He shifted in his seat, all too aware of the sudden strain in his sweats.

If you would just give in, and join him, things would be so much easier. He could protect you instead of constantly instilling fear, and right the only wrong he had ever truly regretted - attacking you back that night.

He could make up for all of it by giving you the gift of his new unchecked power, make you stronger than you could ever imagine as you ruled alongside him. You were of him after all - his other half. Sharing the spoils of the dark side with you felt so right, so holy. 

And then you spoke, shattering his hope and ill-timed stimulation. 

“I’d like to be taken back to my cell please.” You whispered. Your fear of self took precedent over everything. You needed to be locked back up before you did something rash.

Now he blinked, frantic at first, but then slowly. Sighing, he stood and stepped aside so you could stand and squeeze out beside him. He scanned the panel controls to make sure the ship was still in auto-pilot and turned to face you. 

“Come.”

* * *

After he’d locked you back inside the cell and chewed out the trooper who had been so foolishly overpowered, he stalked back to his quarters. The ship was on course and would arrive on the planet in a couple of hours.

The walk back had been silent. Never before had he felt farther from you. Even when you were presumed dead all those years, you had never really been gone, always taunting his memory, haunting his nightmares.

But now, you were here in the flesh, very much alive, and you wanted nothing to do with him, and rightfully so. He had tried to tap into your thoughts, but even there he could sense you’d shut him out. How? Even with the cuffs? He didn’t know. But it was driving him insane.

He entered his room and settled on the base of his bed before laying back and staring up at the dark ceiling. He didn’t bother pulling the covers around him. He knew sleep would evade him anyways. Instead, he let his mind wander to a time when he hadn’t wanted to rule the galaxy, let alone have a place in it. 

> _“We’ve gone over this. It’s simply not the role of the Jedi.” Luke sighed heavily._
> 
> _Ben watched you from across the room as you shifted in your seat. A couple years had passed since he had first arrived at the temple, and he had grown to love watching you in debate._
> 
> _“But Master…how are we supposed to understand the temptations of the dark side and how to resist them if we don’t allow ourselves to even experience certain emotions? How can we fight something we haven’t allowed ourselves to develop immunity to?” You pressed. “And what exactly is the role of the Jedi? Is it not to bring balance to the force? How can we do so if we shun the dark completely and only exalt the light? What good would it do to completely ignore that side of the force?”_
> 
> _Ben’s chest tightened at the insinuation. You were defending him without even realizing it, validating his existence with your words. It was then that he knew he could tell you about the voices he’d been hearing, that he had to. You’d understand, you’d have answers._
> 
> _He leaned forward in his seat anticipating Luke’s response. Still, he couldn’t shake his desire to have his uncle’s approval, his acceptance._
> 
> _“It is a dangerous game to play,” Luke spoke back forcefully._
> 
> _“But it’s not a game. It’s life. A balance between good and bad, something we all struggle with daily. We’re not all of either. We’re both, constantly growing and learning.”_
> 
> _A couple of the other padawans hummed in agreement, while some shifted uncomfortably. Ben held his breath, keeping his eyes trained on his Master._
> 
> _Luke blinked a couple of times before attempting to bring the conversation to a close._
> 
> _“Those who entertain the dark side are bound to succumb to it. It’s seductive and enticing, and it threatens your balance. There is no way around that.”_
> 
> _"I don’t believe that! I think the balance is in the struggle. You can’t lean too far in either direction. Not even the light. You'll just be blinding yourself to the motives of your enemy!”_
> 
> _“Those who allow themselves to lean into the dark...even a little, are destined to want more. To crave what they can’t have. Again…it is dangerous.”_
> 
> _“So those who acknowledge their dark nature at all are dangerous and beyond saving? That's just it?” You questioned crossing your arms._
> 
> _Ben was trying desperately not to appear so invested, but he was on the edge of his seat, waiting for the response. In a way, he felt it would seal his fate._
> 
> _“They are weak,” Luke settled with finalization after a brief pause. He didn't seem all convinced himself, just too tired to keep arguing._
> 
> _But even still, Ben felt his blood rush to his brain and his limbs grow a bit weak. He slowly allowed himself to sit back in the chair as a wave of shame and rejection washed over him._
> 
> _“You’re all dismissed,” Luke spoke as he began packing up his things._
> 
> _Ben looked up to see you watching him, a look of annoyance and defeat evident on your face. He offered a forced smile and motioned for you to come and walk with him as he stood._
> 
> _You both were silent as you exited the temple making your way towards a clearing._
> 
> _“Have you always thought that way…about the dark side?” Ben’s voice came softly after a while, almost undetectable under the hum of the night bugs._
> 
> _You let out a breath. “I…I don’t know. I just feel strongly that the way Master Skywalker teaches is unproductive. He never lets us apply the teachings. He just lectures.”_
> 
> _Ben nodded. “But…the dark side…what do you think of it? Those that practice it? Those tempted by it?” He tried to sound nonchalant as you strolled. “You asked him, but what do you think?...Are they all dangerous?”_
> 
> _“I think they are individuals who have emotions just like all of us, but whose circumstances have altered the way they experience those emotions.” You whispered rubbing your arms._
> 
> _You’d forgot your cloak. He instinctively moved to give you his, but you raised your hand gently, communicating that it was alright._
> 
> _He frowned slightly but let the cloth fall back around his shoulders._
> 
> _“But no...I don’t find them dangerous.” You glanced around before lowering your voice and turning to peer up at him. “I find them intriguing actually.”_
> 
> _His breathing sped up, watching you look up at him like that._
> 
> _“In truth…I think every single one of us is one step away from either side. Excess of either one is stunting, and that's what has us all so repressed. We’re all trying to be something we’re not - all good or all bad. When we simply just…are.”_
> 
> _That was all he needed, confirmation that the voices in his head were wrong. That he wasn’t all darkness, that he still had some claim to the light. He seized your hands suddenly, turning you to face him._
> 
> _“I need to tell you something.” He whispered._

He'd been so young and naive then to think he could somehow resist his destiny. But still, you'd been so close to understanding his vulnerable state. Why was it so damn hard for you to accept yours now?

He shut his eyes and pressed his palms to them, trying to resist the burn of his swelling tears.

He realized it all in that moment. You had understood him, or at least tried to. And in return, what had he done? How had he repaid you?

He let out a sharp sob as his chest trembled.

How could he expect you to join him, when he couldn’t even begin to process what he’d sacrificed to get here himself? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, the lack of communication on this ship, is ASTRONOMICAL!


	4. Dead Weight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You had to gather your words, piecing them together carefully. They felt resistant to your tongue, like trying to swallow oil and water at the same time. They were outward lies, but subconsciously there was some truth to them. Because you did want to know Kylo Ren, desperately. And for so many conflicting reasons.

Across the ship, you were battling your own memories. In truth, you had always harbored subconscious guilt about his slip to the dark side. Was it not you who had stoked the flames of curiosity, always challenging Master Skywalker’s view, persistently resisting some of the more rigid teachings of the Jedi?

Had you set a bad example? How clean was your soul? 

Your mind was a torrent as you sat in the cell. After that night, you had closed yourself off from the force for several reasons. The main reason was that you didn’t trust it. You had once been so sure that one could truly find their balance in it, as long as they didn’t let themselves lean too far in either direction of the spectrum. But it had seemed your master was correct. 

The Force had been so easily corrupted, allowing itself to be used to morph an innocent boy into a creature behind a mask. 

But even more sinister in your new-found view of the force, was that even in its fickle nature, you were the last person who was worthy of wielding it. No, it wasn’t just that the force that had taken him away from you. You had allowed it to. You’d failed Ben. 

Looking in his eyes that night, you could see pain, betrayal, resentment. What had you missed? Had you not listened enough? Did you not make yourself available enough? What could you have done differently to ease his pain? He had sought you out so many times, but in truth, you had been young and naïve – just as conflicted. 

While you had been arrogantly questioning the true nature of the force, Ben had already been put on trial and cast into its deepest pits, with no other option but to crawl back out- this time angry, this time vengeful. And who better to hold accountable than the one who he’d sought counsel from but had failed to defend him? 

What type of grace did you deserve? You groaned, tossing on the cot restlessly. 

_No-no-no. This is not my fault._

You took a couple of breaths. You knew this all wasn’t inherently your doing. He had made several decisions on his own that brought him to this point. But the slightest sense of responsibility had never truly left you - this idea that it was your obligation to bring him back to the light.

But doing so would require you to be open and forgiving of what he was now, to make the space for him to right his wrongs and grow. Unfortunately for you both, you were still pissed as ever and rightfully so.

Life had been simpler when you didn’t have to face your demons-internal or external. 

* * *

The doctor from the medbay had come by to check your vitals a while ago, and while you were feeling better physically, emotionally, you were still battered.

You felt the pull of the atmospheric pressure as the ship neared the surface of the planet. Arrival had come quicker than your anticipated. Shifting irritably on the cot, you tried to slide one of the cuffs off again. You’d been at it for hours, stopping occasionally when your wrist would begin to swell or bruise.

If they could be removed, you might be able to reach Luke telepathically before he was ambushed. It was a desperate plan, but all you had at the moment. 

“Old man if you can feel me, get out of here.” You murmured as you tried again to slide your thumb under the metal. It still wasn’t budging.

You kicked the wall in frustration. 

The cell door slid open not even a second later, and two troopers entered, pulling you up by your arms. 

One of them retrieved a small metal rod from his holster and clicked it to one of your cuffs. Your wrists were immediately drawn together by whatever type of magnetic power it held. You narrowed your eyes realizing that your little excursion last night had cost you some mobility. 

“A little extra security.” You could practically hear the trooper smirk. 

You rolled your eyes, "You must be the one I knocked out in the medbay."

He made no response, and they began leading you out of the cell and towards the exit ramp.

You knew you probably looked awful. You hadn’t utilized the refresher area for a shower yet and you hadn’t slept at all. The idea of being seen like this suddenly made you uncomfortable, especially by Kylo after all the swirling emotions of last night.

The thought was fleeting as you were nudged forward and began your descent down to the surface of the planet. A chilly breeze whipped up around you, pricking the skin on your cheeks. 

He was pacing when you finally saw him, dragging his crossguard saber with agitation through the soil of the planet. You made a mental note to ask him why he’d chosen that horrendous design if you were lucky enough to make it off this planet. You still were not so convinced that the “end of the Jedi” he was calling for, somehow excluded you.

You could tell he was upset about something, and it was clear that everyone else was also aware. Stormtroopers stood alert while other officers tapped furiously at their data pads- seemingly trying to make themselves look busy to avoid his wrath. 

Satisfaction bloomed in your chest. 

_Luke got away. He got away!_

He turned suddenly, seeming to sense your elation. He rubbed his jaw slowly, looking you over before he extinguished the saber and clicked it back to his side. 

“Where is he?” He approached you at the base of the ship. His voice was calm, but it was so clear that he was a torrent on the inside. 

You blinked, adjusting to the sunlight, and glanced around to take in your surroundings. It was an ocean planet, and you all had touched down on what appeared to be one of the only pieces of land. It was a perfect mix of mountainous lush. Rolling hills of green extending in all directions, reaching jagged peaks here and there. It was quite beautiful – a peaceful sanctuary. You could understand why Luke would have fled here. 

The sound of a cape billowing slightly in the wind brought your attention back to the man before you. 

“Where is he?” The words were repeated slower. 

“I…he only told me the name of the planet.” 

“You lie.” He snarled stepping closer and blocking your view of the tranquil landscape. He was a wall of black suddenly muting out the light reflecting off of one of the rocky peaks in the distance. 

“I promise. That’s all he told me.” You couldn’t even meet his eyes. 

“None of this even makes sense. Why would he even tell you that? If he was truly trying to go into exile, why would he share his location? Either he lied, or you’re lying.” He inched even closer.

“I’m not lying!” Your voice grew shrill. 

“Why would he tell you then?!” 

“At the time he offered me the opportunity to join him in exile, but I refused. I wanted to enjoy my solitude. He would’ve driven me crazy!” 

And that was the truth. 

His lips quivered slightly. He looked like he wanted to laugh, but he quickly suppressed whatever it was before stepping back and turning. He glanced off in the distance, observing the tallest peak on the island. 

“He was here at some point. I can feel it.” He mumbled ominously. 

“Sir…would you like for us to start a scan of local systems he may have fled to?” An official piped up.

“No. Take the prisoner back to her cell so that she can make herself more presentable. Then bring her back to me.” He waved a hand without a glance. 

Your mouth gaped open. So you did look as rough as you felt. That didn’t mean he had to tell you. He wasn’t looking so hot his damn self. His eyes were puffy and rimmed with dark circles-like he hadn’t gotten a lick of sleep either. 

But before you could make a snide remark you were swiftly turned around and marched back up the platform to your cell. 

* * *

The troopers had been so kind as to remove the magnetic rod before your shower so that you could properly bathe yourself. The cuffs still awkwardly got in the way as you washed but the soap almost helped you slip them off a couple of times. 

Your attempts were cut short when there came an aggressive knock at your door. 

“Hurry up. The Commander is waiting.”

A pair of lounge pants and a long sleeve fitted shirt had been placed in the slot on the door, and you had quickly changed, lacing your boots right as the door hissed back open.

Now you were being marched back down the ramp with your wrist pulled together once again. 

There was a soft drizzle coming down now as you emerged off the ship. You looked around, seeing that most of the personnel had dispersed. You didn't see the caped-terror anywhere. 

The troopers led you to a speeder, and once you all were situated, it sped off up toward one of the highest peaks on the island. You started to panic a bit. 

_Where are they taking me?_

The dreary weather made the island appear more bleak, casting a heavy mood over everything. You noticed you all were following a road that had been made up of stone. To the side of the road, various huts were scattered about, clearly abandoned long ago. They were simple domed structures, pieced together by various rocks. Little small, wide-eyed creatures with white bellies peaked out from behind a few, scurrying away as you passed.

The speeder slowed as it neared one hut, in particular, that was tucked off by itself. 

“Off.” 

You complied and trailed behind as they neared the door. 

“Commander, we have her.”

You shifted on your feet anxiously. 

“Send her in.” You only heard his voice but tried to strain to see if you could hear others.

One of the troopers pushed open the door, and the other nudged you through, closing it behind you. 

The image you saw was not what you had expected. He was seated with his legs crossed meditating in the middle of the hut. He had changed into a similar outfit as the night before, much more casual. The ground beneath him was made up of a smooth stone with some sticks and debris scattered about. The only light in the room came from a burning lamp beside him. 

The sound of the speeder zooming off startled you both, and his eyes fluttered open.

“Sit.” He nodded to a corner. 

“Why did you bring me here?” 

“I can’t trust you to not try and escape on the ship again.” 

“So you’re babysitting me?"

“If that’s how you'd like to think of it.” He had closed his eyes again. 

“Is this necessary?” 

He peaked out of one eye, and you raised your arms and nodded toward your bound wrist.

“You said you were still able to throw punches, correct? Well that should fix the problem for you.” He gave a wry smile. 

“There is no way I’m going to be able to get comfortable like this.” 

“I’m not trying to make you comfortable.” He closed both eyes again and resumed meditation. 

You huffed and moved to settle as far away from him in the corner as possible. Why he’d forced you to join him in the hut was beyond you. You had started to grow quite fond of your cell.

But still, you watched him, intrigued by the slow rise of his shoulders and the slight flutter of his eyelashes as he took deep breaths through his nose. He looked regal, and it bothered you how much it felt like old times huddled together in your huts practicing meditation back at the temple. 

“What are you even trying to do?” You spoke after a while. 

He frowned slightly but kept his eyes closed as he tried to stay focused. 

“Hello?...” You were able to kick a stick at him. 

His eyes snapped open as he caught it in mid-air. “You would be smart not to test me right now.” 

“What are you doing?” You repeated, unfazed. 

"I’m trying to track Skywalker.” 

“Um…okay.” 

“He lived in this hut, I can sense remnants of his signature. If you would let me focus…I might be able to pick up on some of the thoughts he had in this room, that might lead me to him now.” 

“Oh, neat…in that case…” You immediately started stumping your feet around, trying to irritate him. If you could still prevent him from finding the old Jedi you would. 

You had started singing loudly when he finally jumped to his feet and marched towards you. 

“Cut that out.” He snapped. 

“You’re not making this comfortable for me, so I won’t make it for you.” 

His jaw clenched and he started to speak, but you spoke first. 

“And I’m not going to make it easier for you to hunt Luke down. Why are you so obsessed with him anyway? What happened between you two that night?”

He blinked and shook his head, turning away. “He’s a hypocrite and he needs to be held accountable.” He spoke forcefully, not answering your second question.

“What happened that night?” you repeated. 

“What happened, is that I finally woke up from all of his lies. I took hold of the power he always tried to suppress in me.” He turned back. “You of all people should know how that feels. You should be helping me put an end to him. He failed us all. He failed you.”

“No, you failed me.” 

_And I, you._ The intrusive thought caught in your throat before you could blurt it out as well. You hoped he hadn't hear that. This wasn’t his time to be coddled. 

He scoffed, turning his back to you again. The rain outside was almost thunderous at this point, beating against the stone structure aggressively.

“Look at me! Do you know who I am? Honestly?” You spat. “Do you know what you did to me? Or did you somehow forget?”

He didn’t turn, but he didn't have any choice but to listen.

“Are you expecting me to just get over it and join your quest to destroy the galaxy? Is that it? Or…is it forgiveness? That’s it isn’t it? You want me to just forgive you?”

He turned slowly, his voice low. “I don’t expect you to forgive me for what I’ve done. All I ask is that you accept it. That night happened. You survived. Such is the way of fate.” He took a prowling step closer as his voice remained smooth. “Embrace it. Here, with me now…this is your present. You can grasp some semblance of your power back if you just let me mold you back to your glory. You’re broken…resentful. I understand that. But from the roots of your anger, your strength can grow. I can make you whole again.” 

You had to laugh. He wanted to be your savior now. The man who had torn you apart wanted to make you whole? 

He cocked his head, confused by your laughter at first. He steadied himself, speaking seriously again. “It’s time to let the past die. Kill it, if you have to.” 

He sounded delusional and sick as he peered down at you with dark eyes. It spooked you, but you were not backing down. 

“Why are you talking to me like you’re reciting some code? It’s me, Ben. It’s me!” You cackled. “I see through all of this. You’re haunted by what you’ve done, and I want no parts in what you plan to do.” Your voice dropped down to a harsh whisper. “I’m your past. Kill it _again_ if you have to.” You emphasized the last phrase meticulously, repeating his statement back to him as you made your sentiment clear. 

He shook his head roughly backing away from you. 

“You’re telling me to kill my past, but you’re dragging me around like dead weight. How does any of this make sense?” 

At that, he raised a hand towards you. You flinched slightly, but he hadn’t moved to hit you.

“You will not leave this hut.” He hissed. 

And before the spell even had a chance to settle, he had thrown on a cloak and stormed out of the door. 

You let out a loud groan as you leaned back against the wall. 

* * *

_Deadweight_? 

He grimaced at the thought as he trudged through the rain barefoot. He had been so agitated, he didn’t even think to put on his boots. He'd promised himself to try not to have any more violent outburst in front of you, so leaving the hut was the best solution. He could barely see where he was going, but still, he marched on.

In a way you were right. He had been dragging the weight of you around with him for years. How could he not? You were both one of the same. He’d lost half of his soul and acquired such a heavy burden all at once. It had been a tiring and gruesome transition. 

But still, the idea of you thinking you were like dead weight to him didn’t feel right. You had returned to him, and now he was trying to breathe life back into you. He desperately needed you to live again, fully. You had no idea how badly he wanted to see you flourish. 

He stumbled over a rock and caught himself before falling completely. He took a shaky breath and shook his head, trying to move some of the wet hair out of his eyes. At this point, he was just walking aimlessly. He felt like he was losing his mind. 

Even before you attempted to throw him off his meditation, he hadn’t been able to detect anything from Luke. He hadn’t even been trying to in all honesty. Bringing you to the hut had been more of a ploy to be alone with you and try to get through to you again. 

But it had all backfired and blown up in his face because you were still resisting and had not been afraid to point out his hypocrisy. 

You were right. He was haunted by the past – by you, by what he’d done to you. But he thought the ultimate way to end this torment would be to give you his power. Wouldn’t that make up for everything?

In his twisted mind, he felt that you surviving was somehow proof that you were meant to rule alongside him all along. He’d gift you the very weapon used against you, offering you the opportunity to avenge yourself, by becoming just as powerful as he. He wanted that for you. Truly. 

But he also simply just wanted you, and he wanted you whole. All the reasons he had adored you before, were still so painfully plucking at his heartstrings. Following him into the dark would come with a loss of who you were. He realized that. 

He still craved your light, and he was terrified of what that meant – a quest for redemption.

He didn’t want to be redeemed. Redemption was an admission that he had been wrong - that all his sacrifices had been in vain. He was desperately holding on to the idea that who he was now was his destiny. That’s what he’d been told repeatedly for years. He could not reject that now, not even for you. 

You would simply have to join him. There could be no other option. 

The rain had picked up now, beating down in a way that felt personal. 

He could feel Luke's presence all around him suddenly, taunting him. He stumbled down a path of stacked rocks and collapsed to his knees, the rain soaking him to the bone. 

“Where are you old man? Where are you?” 

His uncle, his formal idol, was evading him once again. But this time it wasn’t his acceptance he was chasing after. It was his defeat. 

Who was Kylo Ren, if he could not defeat Luke Skywalker? 

He pressed his knuckles down on the slippery rocks and pushed up until he was standing again. 

Life had been a constant puzzle of figuring out who he was meant to be, and what his purpose was. He could easily recall when you’d been there during one of his many identity crises. 

> _“Ben...” Your tone was careful._
> 
> _“No! You don’t understand. You never will.” He hurriedly threw clothes in his bag as he spoke._
> 
> _You sat down on the edge of his cot watching him silently._
> 
> _"No one gets me. But everyone wants something from me, is expecting more. Either greatness or failure. I don’t want any of it.”_
> 
> _“I don’t want anything from you.” You said softly._
> 
> _“But you expect more of me. The way you’re looking at me now.” He turned and sneered. “You’re disappointed that I’m running. And I hate it.”_
> 
> _You sighed and reached to stroke his back, but he moved again, looking for something else to throw in his bag. He was just feigning for something to do with his hands, to control the trimmer, the tingling sensation at the edge of his fingertips._
> 
> _“I can’t believe they didn’t tell me.” He groaned. “I found out from a fucking senate hearing holo.”_
> 
> _You couldn’t argue with his deserved anger. If you had just found out your Grandfather was The Darth Vader like that, upset would be an understatement. But Ben had been showing signs of aggression lately, purposefully fighting harder against opponents in training, lashing out at his uncle. You feared what he’d do in this state._
> 
> _Cautiously, you stood and approached him from behind as he stood staring at the wall._
> 
> _“This is why they’ve always been so wary of me, so distant and cold. They foresaw my future. They didn’t have faith that I wouldn’t become like him. They think I’m a monster.”_
> 
> _“No. You’re not,” you spoke firmly as you turned him to face you._
> 
> _“I am though. The voice…it was right. It’s always been right. Those dark urges I have…they’re innate. The power I possess…it’s terrifying. Everyone could see it but me. I am a monster.” He’d never looked more broken or lost in the few years you’d known him at this point._
> 
> _You gripped his arms and shook him gently. “Not to me. Not to me.” You insisted fiercely._

He sniffled as he waded through a puddle.

He had been so relieved that you didn't see him that way then, but now...how did he want you to see him now?

* * *

During your time alone in the hut, you’d had some time to rethink your approach. Continuously butting heads with him was not going to get you anywhere. He clearly didn’t feel sorry for what he had done, so what was the use in arguing with him? You were still pissed as ever, and your conversation earlier highlighted how far apart your ideologies had grown.

But you needed to play his game, to make him think you had given up resisting, and that you were willing to work with him. 

If what he wanted was to _help_ you, you would allow him to do that, but you were going to define what that meant. 

He burst through the door a moment later, soaking wet as he loomed in the frame. He glared for a moment then slammed the door shut and stalked over to his side, slipping a bit as he tracked in dirt. 

He sat down hard on a bench built into the wall of the hut opposite you and dropped his head. Water was trickling down his body and face as he sat there. 

You could see his ears sticking up through his damp flattened hair, and couldn’t help but smile softly. You knew if he could see himself now, he’d probably be blushing. He had always tried so desperately to hide his ears, but you had always thought they were cute. 

You dropped the smile quickly. It sickened you, but playing nice wasn’t going to be as hard as it would seem. You were still so hopelessly endeared to him. 

His loud sneezes snapped you out of your daze. They came out rapidly even as he tried to brace. 

“A sight you’re enjoying, I suppose.” He grumbled once they’d stopped, glancing up at you through the hair covering his eyes. He then turned to project a cough towards the wall and slid down to the floor and began nestling in for sleep with his back to you. 

You stayed silent for a while, watching him try to squeeze out some of the water from his cloak. 

Seeing him floundering around like a big baby was quite humorous, but you had never enjoyed seeing him sick or in pain. Even if your current plan was disingenuous, your true care for him wasn’t. It never would be. 

“It’ll only get worse if you leave on the cloak. You need to take that off to prevent it from continuing to soak you.” You spoke flatly. 

He shuffled slightly, turning to peak at you over his shoulder. 

“And move away from the door. The draft is just going to make you colder.”

He could be such a fucking idiot sometimes. You watched as he begrudgingly shifted further from the rickety wood door at the entrance. 

You both were silent as he got re-situated and turned his back to you again. 

“Ben.” You immediately wanted to kick yourself. If you were going to do this, you needed to first stop calling him that. You shut your eyes and took a deep breath. 

“Kylo.” You tried again. 

He tensed ever so slightly. You could just make it out in the shadow cast by the lamp. 

"Kylo Ren.” You let the name roll off your tongue slowly. “That’s who you want to be now?” 

“That’s who I’ve always been.” He mumbled over his shoulder. 

_Boy!!!!_

You bit your lip hard to suppress a smart ass remark and took a shaky breath. 

“Oh…well. I like the name. I know yesterday I said it was stupid, but it’s...unique.” This wasn’t necessarily a lie either. The name did have a sort of ring to it. 

He was silent for a moment, then he slowly turned. You could just make out the corner of his smirk. “I figured. Besides you thought it was pretty cool when we were younger.”

You almost choked. “What!?”

“We were coming up with stupid names we’d go by if we ever became pirates one day. I threw that one out there, and you seemed to really like it.” He shrugged. He still hadn’t turned to face you completely, but you could see the redness already beginning to blaze across his cheek. He was blushing. 

“The _Ren_ part too?” The memory was somewhat starting to revive itself. It had to have been one of the countless nights as kids when you’d laid awake staring at the stars in the galaxy. 

“No...that part came later.” It was evident in his tone that whatever story was there, was not about to be shared. 

He slowly sat up and started taking off the drenched cloak like you had suggested earlier, balling it up and stuffing it in a corner. He let out a heavy sigh and slowly pushed himself around to face you. 

“So you like it now…the name?” 

You nodded.

“What about the man attached to the name? Can you accept him? What he’s done?”

You stopped breathing for a moment. Was this his way of asking for an apology? If so, it was absolute shit. But unfortunately, you were pursuing a plan that forced you to give up the luxury of telling him about himself. 

“I…I don’t know him. But…I would like to. I would like to get to know him.” 

You had to gather your words, piecing them together carefully. They felt resistant to your tongue, like trying to swallow oil and water at the same time. They were outward lies, but subconsciously there was some truth to them. Because you did want to know Kylo Ren, desperately. And for so many conflicting reasons. 

He had been staring at you hard as he awaited the answer. As you brought your eyes back to him, he dropped his gaze immediately, scanning the ground before him rapidly. His nostrils flared slightly with the obvious increase in his heart rate. 

“Kylo…I do want to know you, and I want you to help me. You’re right. I’m conflicted. Maybe, we can try to find Luke together, and I can sever some of those emotions, finally get answers.” You whispered inching closer. “And I want to help you too.” 

He made a pained expression and you swore you heard the slightest whimper leave his lips. The rain outside did well to muffle whatever it was. A lump caught in your throat, but you pressed on. 

“If..if you take off the cuffs, maybe we can meditate together and find the answer.” 

You could sense it then. Even against the barrier of the cuffs, you could somehow feel his light force signature peeking through. Maybe this mission wouldn’t just be all about saving yourself. 

But then he hardened his stare. “You think I’m a fool.” 

You blinked. You had gone into this intending to fake all your emotions, but they were painfully real as ever now. Your heart was thrumming rapidly in your chest as your longing for the boy you knew grew. 

“No..no…” You stopped yourself before you could say Ben, and took a shaky breath. “Kylo…I’m serious. Let’s figure this out together…like we always used to.” 

He regarded you nonchalantly for a moment, then slid forward. 

“Extend your wrist. When I take these off, do not make any sudden movements.” He spoke low. He was avoiding eye contact considerably but maintained a straight face. 

You had no intention on trying to fight him. Fighting him would be like asking for him to try and kill you again, and you already had a scathing review prepared for that experience. 

_0/10 would not recommend._

No, what you wanted was the opportunity to tap into the bond, and get a sense of his headspace, maybe get answers to your earlier question about what had happened with Luke. All of this could help in the long-run. If you could just figure out why he snapped, maybe you would be able to talk him back down. 

He peered down at you, distrust still evident in his expression, but his hands found your wrist eventually. He used his bare hand to rip the rod from in between. It was clear that it took considerable strength, but he eventually plucked it out and threw it aside with his things. 

You closed your eyes and didn’t open them until you heard the “clinks” of the cuffs being released. 

Your arms dropped weightlessly to your lap and you let out a sigh, smiling softly. You looked up at him ready to giggle with glee but stopped. He was still frowning. 

“Give me your hands.” He demanded. 

You raised them and felt the immediate cool temperature of his callused palms beneath yours. 

Although your relationship back at the temple had always been strictly platonic due to the no-attachments rule, it hadn't stopped you from eventually craving his touch in ways that were deemed inappropriate. But now, his touch had never felt more taboo.

“While these cuffs are off, I only want you touching me, and when your eyes aren't closed, I want them on me. Do you understand? No games.” His deep voice came, stirring up more feelings. 

Your heart fluttered slightly and you swallowed. _Damnit._ He probably had no idea how those words sounded coming from his lips. You shifted slightly, trying to calm yourself. 

“Okay.”

It dawned on you at the moment that this was the first time he had held your hands in years. And it was the first time since he’d found you that he was touching you directly with a gentle touch-not just pulling you along by your forearm, wrist or refusing to touch you at all. 

His fingers bent tentatively around yours and you kept your promise, gazing only at him. The lamp cast odd shapes across his face, hiding his full expression, but you could just make out the ghost of a small smile on his lips. 

“Let’s begin.” He spoke softly.

As you both worked, you first took the opportunity to just relish in the feel of his signature. It was different now, not as bright, but equally as intense, overwhelming your own at times. You thought you’d be repulsed, or pull back, but you were…entranced.

What had once been a subtle warmth was now a blazing heat, and you found yourself wanting to dive deeper, and encapsulate yourself in it. It was enticing and inviting in a way you hadn’t anticipated. 

It would be so much easier to just give in to his flame, allow yourself to be melted down into the new mold he spoke of. The idea sounded rather pleasant suddenly. You wouldn't be burdened by the search of purpose anymore. You could just be what he wanted you to be.

His grip on your hands tightened slightly, and you felt a chill, like he had heard your thoughts and was coercing you further. 

It was just the trigger you needed to reel yourself back from his overwhelming influence. You needed to refocus and try to tap into his thoughts. Your brow furrowed as you concentrated harder, trying to drown out the vibration of the force bond and the rain. This needed to be done with stealth and precision. If he caught on, you didn't know how he would react. 

Right when you were beginning to tread deeper, you hit a wall. 

“I think that’s enough for tonight.” His voice cut through and you felt the connection tapering off. 

You opened your eyes to find him already staring at you. Had he detected your snooping? He was still holding your hands, now resting them on his lap as he’d pulled your arms closer to his side. 

“Kylo, what…what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing. I just don’t think we’re going to get anywhere with this tonight. We’re both exhausted.” He spoke with a soft smile. 

You let out a little breath, glad to see he still seemed to be in an amiable mood. It seemed as though he hadn't caught on. 

Then he summoned your cuffs with the force as he still held your hands, and you immediately tried to pull back. His grip tightened again. 

“Kylo.”

“I won’t add the link in between, but for now, these are going back on.” He spoke gently. 

But still, you couldn’t help but feel on edge that he didn’t trust you enough yet.

The idea that you were the one who was trying to gain back his trust made you angry and you had the thought to just go for it. Your eyes flicked away from him quickly, searching for a weapon. The cuffs were still hovering above your wrist. If you moved quick enough you could summon something. 

You heard your name spoken firmly, and then your eyes flicked back to his. His face said it all. It would not be wise to try. 

The cuffs connected around your wrist, and he slowly released his hold on your hands. 

“Now we rest. We'll return to the ship in the morning because I'm not about to go back into that storm.” He blew out the lamp, and the room was suddenly blanketed in darkness.

You nodded and moved back to your side, feeling a mix of defeat and hope. 

He rummaged around in a bag and threw you a blanket. You caught it and prepared for sleep. 

* * *

He wasn’t an idiot. He knew what you were trying to do. He had suspected if from the moment you’d started being sweet. It had been confirmed when he felt you deepen the bond slightly. You were good, stealthy even, but not enough for him to not notice what you were up to. And he'd blocked you just in time. 

Even though he knew you had tried to deceive him, he could not bring himself to be angry at you. In the few moments that you had allowed him to touch and bond with you, something within him that he hadn’t even realized was torn, had started stitching itself back together. Just the feel of you had been enough. Even if your touch had been all deceitful, you had reached for him in the shadow of the hut, gripping him back firmly. 

There was something else he had felt as well. Something that made him even more satisfied. 

Your curiosity. You were intrigued by his power, by the new hold he had on the force. You had found comfort in it even - comfort in him. He’d been meticulously poking around in your head as well. He was just more skilled and furtive. 

He had wanted to see how much you were still resisting, and it was clear that you still had some fight in you. But your wall was slowly crumbling, and he was willing to wait. He wanted to be the one to build you back up, brick, by brick. 

A comfortable silence had settled between the two of you now as you lay. He was staring at the ceiling as his thoughts swirled. The rain had reduced itself to a soft patter now, threatening to lull him to sleep. 

He peaked over at you. He could make out your features a bit in the moonlight seeping through the cracks in the walls of the hut. Your eyes were closed but he knew you weren’t asleep. He spoke your name softly, waiting to speak again until you opened your eyes to look at him. 

“You’re not deadweight.” 

“Hm?” 

“I said…you’re not dead weight. You said that’s what you were like earlier, but you’re not. You weren’t then…and you aren’t now.”

“Oh…” It was clear in your expression that you couldn’t even remember saying it. “Well if we’re still being nice to each other, I…um…I don’t actually hate you...even though I should.” 

He let out a soft grunt and turned back over to face the wall. 

Your voice came again in the dark. “Will we continue the search tomorrow?”

“No. We’re returning to base on the Finalizer.” 

“Why?” 

“To re-strategize." 

"Oh."

There was another reason too - a message he had received earlier in the day, one he wasn't particularly excited about. 

"And because The Supreme Leader has requested to meet you.” 


	5. Enemy of My Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your heart stung a little as the revelation sat in. Suddenly, Kylo Ren made sense. Of course he’d choose this. He had wanted so desperately to escape the Solo and Skywalker names. So why not simply rebel, go against the grain of it all? Becoming Kylo Ren had just been a very dramatic way of rejecting the responsibilities of being Ben Solo.

The first person you saw as you stepped onto the Finalizer was a pretentious looking redhead who stood dead center in the hangar with his arms clasped behind his back. He wore a long black coat that you assumed was supposed to make him look intimidating, but all it really did was make him appear frailer than he already was.

Kylo tugged you along by your forearm, marching at a pace you were struggling to keep up with. You hadn’t spoken much during the flight back. He’d come to check on you in your cell once or twice to make sure you’d eaten the meals provided, but other than that you’d been left alone to rest. And boy did you. All the stress of the last couple of days had come crashing down on you as soon as your head hit the pillow on the cot.

You hadn’t been able to get the best rest in the hut, seeing as you didn’t have much but a cold stone floor and a blanket, plus a huge terrifying, and emotionally volatile man a few inches from you. So, the privacy of the cell had finally been fully appreciated.

Things had definitely become more cordial between the two of you, but you remained on edge. The whole _dead weight_ thing had been a nice sentiment, but you still were not convinced that you weren’t disposable, and the idea of him wanting to turn you to the dark side was honestly unsettling.

But here you were now, being marched through the hangar of the First Order base, very much in the grip of the Prince of Darkness himself, being escorted toward what looked to be the court jester.

The redhead wore a proud expression, with a mix of satisfied amusement as you neared. His ego was as loud as the sound of the nearby ships being repaired. Kylo halted right before him, and you stopped as well.

“Ren.” The man practically spat the word out, skipping all formalities.

“Hux.” Kylo responded with similar enthusiasm. The modulation of his mask did well to fully convey his tone.

_Oh...they hate each other._

You glanced between the both of them chewing your bottom lip nervously, as they just stood glaring.

“What do we have here?” Hux turned his attention to you. “More resistance scum?” He quirked an eyebrow, as he looked down his nose at you.

Gods, you hated the nasally tenor of his voice. You narrowed your eyes and began to speak, but Kylo nudged you behind him gently.

“Has the Supreme Leader arrived?”

Hux kept his scrutinizing gaze on you, peering over Kylo’s shoulder for a moment more, clearly aware that his question hadn’t been answered. Eventually, he flicked his eyes back to the man before him.

“No. He’s had some unexpected business to take care of, but he will take you on a holo call. He’s already waiting.”

You fidgeting nervously. You were glad to know you wouldn't have to meet him the flesh just yet, but this moment had been gnawing at you the entire flight. You’d also slept a lot to purposely not think about it. It was clear that Kylo was trying to form some type of temporary allience with you, but what of the Supreme Leader?

Would he be able to read you? Would he figure out how resistant you still were? You saw an image of yourself being shot out one of the vacuums of the ship and floating away into space. You shuddered ever so slightly at the thought and felt a large hand press against your lower back. You blinked glancing up to see Kylo had moved back beside you and was peering down at you.

The mask hid his expression, but his energy felt off.

“Let’s go.” He pressed his hand firmer into you and started guiding you away from Hux.

“Ren, I’ll need a report on this woman. No one is to enter this ship without proper documentation.” Hux barked.

Kylo stopped and turned slowly. You watched him extend his finger in the ginger’s face and wordlessly stare at him. Hux opened his mouth to speak but quickly shut it before huffing and storming away.

_Yep. They definitely hate each other._

Kylo turned back to you, placing his hand on your back again, and nudged you forward towards a lift.

As you both stood waiting for it to come down, your panic picked up again. He could feel it too.

“Relax…” He spoke calmly through the mask.

“What’s he like?” You squirmed a little.

“I’m going to be there with you.”

“Answer my question.”

The ding of the lift arriving made you jump slightly.

He led you inside and pressed a button. The doors shut and it began its ascent.

“Did his parents name him Supreme Leader?” You were so nervous at this point that you were trying to find some type of humor in the situation.

You heard a soft chuckle escape his mask, but he quickly suppressed it. “No…that's just his title.”

“Oh…then what’s his real name?”

There was a brief pause. “Snoke.”

“Okay then, what’s Snoke like?”

“…He is…wise. He’s given me…so much.” It sounded like he had to think hard to come up with that one.

A shudder crept down your spine again. You had a bad feeling about this.

“I’m with you.” His voice came again, and you realized he’d kept his hand on your lower back the entire ride as he gave you a soft squeeze. His leather gloves rubbed against the fabric of your shirt ever so gently, and it was enough to calm you for a moment.

That was until the lift stopped and the doors slid open. You heard a soft hiss and looked up to see he was removing his helmet.

His eyes met yours and you couldn’t help but notice a red bruise on the tip of his nose from where the mask had pressed too hard.

Before you could fully appreciate how adorable he looked, he spoke, reminding you quickly that he was still an asshole.

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

* * *

The room was dimly lit. A projection of the supreme leader sat slouched upon a throne, shrouded in the shadows of darkness. Sickly energy enveloped the space, and for the first time in a long time, you were genuinely scared.

As Kylo marched you forward, his large hand still splayed on the small of your back was no longer bringing you comfort, although you could feel a slight pulsation from him trying to project ease into you. He knew you were scared. You glanced at him inquisitively. Why would he care?

You caught his eyes as he glanced down at you, and that’s when you realized. He was scared too. But for what? Himself or you?

It was becoming all so clear that the Supreme Leader even had him on edge. His mentor of all these years. The source of _wisdom_ as he’d claimed. And yet he was still nervous to be in his presence.

His dark, unsettled gaze met yours and you saw it all - weariness, unease, and something else that made you want to hold his hand suddenly. He was insecure at this moment. You blinked and looked back ahead as you neared the throne, coming to a stop as Kylo’s feather-light touch on your back turned into a firm grip.

 _Don’t do anything stupid._ His words echoed in your head.

He moved forward past you and knelt before the large being. Silence hung in the air as you watched, eyes darting between them both. Snoke regarded him with a look you couldn’t quite figure out just yet - something of a mix between pride and disdain. Like he had put his all into a creation that was on the cusp of bringing him a fortune, but the damned product still had some loose wires.

You didn’t like it. Kylo was definitely the bane of your existence at the moment and had been so for some time, but to see him in such a submissive, disregarded role, it reminded you all too well of how nervous he’d been as a kid, always seeking validation and approval from others.

You realized then, that although the last few days had been less than ideal, it had been oddly refreshing to see him in a role of authority, commanding troopers, and other officials with confidence. Now, he was just a scared boy again.

“Rise boy.” Snoke flicked his eyes away from him, now directing his attention to you.

You hadn’t knelt. Not out of purposeful disrespect, but rather out of pure shock. You hadn’t known what to expect from the Supreme Leader, but the ghastly figure before you was not it. You swallowed, giving a clumsy curtsy.

“So this is the girl…the vermin who refused to die.” Snoke’s voice seemed to grate against the walls. Your mouth gaped slightly and you blinked.

A venomous grin stretched across his deformed features as he took you in. Kylo had stood and moved back beside you, feigning confidence again, but you could somehow feel the awkward energy bouncing off him. You wanted to take his hand, squeeze it, face Snoke as a united front, but it was beyond that at this point.

He was willingly tightening his leash, tethering himself to an oppressor who spoke sweet lies of power and control. Who promised him everything he’d convinced himself he’d never have while living in the shadows of legends.

Your heart stung a little as the revelation sat in. Suddenly, _Kylo Ren_ made sense. Of course he’d choose this. He had wanted so desperately to escape the Solo and Skywalker names. So why not simply rebel, go against the grain of it all? Becoming Kylo Ren had just been a very dramatic way of rejecting the responsibilities of being Ben Solo.

He had chosen to settle in the lonely abyss of darkness rather than the light - where his every motive, and his every intention would be questioned and scrutinized, where he would be held to a higher standard than everyone else.

In darkness, he could simply exist. He didn’t have to be.

There was a slight nuance between those two states of reality, and you’d come to learn it over your years of hiding.

Guilt swarmed your lungs. You understood him clearer now than you ever had before because you had longed for this kind of release as well. The destruction of the temple had freed you in a way. When Master Skywalker had healed you, there had been no attempts on your part to keep training or to fight for the Jedi Order. You had simply accepted the fate and drifted into the escape of a somewhat normal life - one where your decisions were yours to make, not that of some unseeable energy. Where you didn’t have to _be_ anyone noble. You just so happened to exist.

“Hm…I sense conflict in you. This may be why you are so resilient.” Snoke’s grin had never left his face, and he sat back further into the throne, regarding you now with an invasive curiosity.

You squirmed under his gaze, moving closer to Kylo, who stood staring straight ahead with his hands clasped behind his back. He refused to look at you.

“Tell me girl…what do you know of darkness?” Snoke hissed leaning forward again. The gashes in his face seeming to etch deeper as he bared his teeth.

You swallowed, glancing again at Kylo. He still gave you no regard. He didn’t want to appear compassionate in front of his master. You’d have to face Snoke alone. Keeping your voice level, and your head high, you spoke.

“I know nothing. I’ve completely rejected the force.”

Snoke sneered. “Lies…I feel it in you. It’s lapping at your feet. You long for a saber, so you can strike us both down.”

At that, Kylo turned to glance at you. The thought of you wanting to possibly kill him seemed to have gotten him out of his disengaged state. You rolled your eyes.

“I only want release. Nothing more. I am not here to right the wrongs of the First Order or the failures of the Jedi.”

And this was true. Over the years that the First Order had risen, you hadn’t taken any sides, dodging resistance recruiters and the First Order all at the same time. For once you didn’t want to serve anyone’s cause but your own.

“Hmm…” Snoke sat back again. “So, you lack the true spirit of a Jedi?”

“I am no Jedi.” Your voice was firm.

You could feel Kylo watching you intensely now, glancing once at Snoke with a nod and turning back to you. You shifted under both of their gazes, dying to know what was being communicated between them.

“Then alas…you truly are an asset as my apprentice believes you to be.”

Your throat threatened to close, but you calmed yourself _._

“Skywalker was not where he told me he’d be.” You blurted. “There is nothing more I can offer.”

“You can, and you will,” Snoke growled slamming a fist on the arm of the throne. You flinched a bit, stumbling into Kylo. He steadied you swiftly with both his hands on your hips then nudged you back not a second later.

 _Thanks for the fucking moral support._ You shot him a glance. What had happened to, _I’m with you?_

“Skywalker cannot escape the wrath of the darkness when stacked in numbers.” Snoke had settled again, eyeing you. “You will join us. You will serve the First Order, and help us destroy him when he is found.” He spoke casually.

Your mouth tightened for a moment as you tried to process his words. This was not at all what you had intended on doing. “I…will…not.”

“Oh…but you will. You know not how easily you can be seduced.” Snoke chuckled humorously.

You lost it. Your plan to play nice became null and void as you lurched forward only to be yanked back by Kylo. He stood behind you now, his hands gripping around your forearms, slamming your back firmly against his chest. Snoke’s eyes gleamed with amusement as he took in your scalding gaze, your quivering lips and flared nostrils.

“Look how easily you resort to violence. How quickly you pull your strength from anger” He sighed with a sickly smile. “Ah, my girl…you are bathed in darkness. Refusing its spoils will only bring you more pain.”

“I will turn her Master.” Kylo’s voice came quickly, his tone rigid. He still had you pressed tightly against him.

“You will try.” You muttered, making a move to lunge forward again but he dug his fingers tighter into the flesh on your arms. You whimpered slightly, conceding.

“You better my boy, or I will have my way.” Snoke growled as he slowly began to fade away.

You both stood there for a moment in silence, your heaving breaths the only sound in the room. Then Kylo shoved you forward. You stumbled a bit and fell on your butt.

“I told you not to do anything stupid.” He growled. You blinked up at him, settling on the floor. He paced in front of you.

“I will not be a part of the First Order. I won’t help you spread terror across the galaxy. I agreed to help you - for us to help each other. Not this” You hissed.

He cracked a sickly grin and stopped pacing to approach you. “You don’t have a choice. You refused to die, so now you will join me.”

You pushed yourself to your feet slowly, steadying yourself as you glowered at him. “Then finish the deed this time.”

“Not this again.” He scoffed and resumed pacing.

“Kill me now. I will not serve Snoke. I won’t bend to him as you’ve done.” You barked lunging at him.

He lifted a hand instinctively, sending you flying back on your butt by way of the force.

“I’m so sick of you flinging me around.” You pushed back up immediately.

He growled your name, “…Stand down.” His voice was cold, a warning.

“Or what? You’ll kill me.” The smile on your face was manic as you steadied yourself. “That’s kind of the point.”

“I don’t want to kill you.” He snarled.

“Please.” You spat. “You thought you’d done it before. You had no remorse then. So why not just try again. Rid yourself of the guilt that consumes you every time you look at me.”

He winced, turning his back.

“Do it.” You approached him again.

He dodged you quickly, gripping your arm instead. “I’m not going to kill you” he hissed. “But Snoke will. He’ll do unimaginable things to you.”

“Oh like you give a fuck” You pulled away. You were getting pissed. He hadn’t been with you like he said he would. He hadn’t protected you from Snoke. He had practically served you up on a platter.

He blinked, confusion apparent on his face – like he couldn’t understand why you doubted he cared. That just pissed you off more.

“Fuck you.” You turned and started storming back down the path, but felt yourself being dragged back. You slammed against his chest, and he quickly spun you around, gripping your arms again.

“You will join me.” His eyes had darkened considerably.

Snoke had been right. Your anger had given you a boost. You pushed back mentally and physically and you both suddenly went flying in opposite directions. Kylo found himself flat on his stomach across the room while you struggled to get to your feet in a far corner. Your cuffs had broken in the blast and now you twirled your wrists freely.

You could feel your body humming with rage. Your power was returning, and after years of sealing it off, it was barreling out with a vengeance. You stood glaring at him as he rose and hobbled on one leg slightly. He’d been injured in whatever you’d just done.

A silence hung over the room as he slowly steadied himself then brought his eyes to yours. Moments ago, you had been ready to die. Now, fiery defiance thrummed in your chest. You broadened your stance preparing for an all-out war. His fighting style was engrained in your memory well-enough from years of training and occasionally whooping his ass for you to know that you needed to be ready.

But he just stared, watching you with an odd glimmer in his gaze.

“Come on. Let’s go.” You beckoned him closer, fire in your eyes.

He stumbled forward, and you brought your arms back up preparing to send him flying again.

He stopped and stared again, his chest heaving slightly as he observed you. His hair was tossed and he was drenched with sweat. As disheveled as he looked, however, he seemed calm, focused. It was like he was seeing you entirely different from how you saw yourself. You gulped and opened your fist up, so your palms were facing him.

He spoke your name calmly. “Do you feel it?” He stumbled closer. You glanced down at his leg and felt a pang of guilt.

_Fuck him, he’s already tried to kill you once._

You narrowed your eyes again, refocusing on him.

“Feel what?” You snapped.

“That raw power. You’re angry.” He was taking small steps to close the gap, trying to feel you out before he got too close. “Your stronger because of it, bending the force to serve you. Don’t you feel it?”

“I don’t want it.” You hissed. “This isn’t who I want to be.”

“It’s who you’ve always been” He had successfully crept closer and now stood before you, leaning into your touch as your palms pressed against his chest. You could feel his own raw energy buzzing.

“And it’s beautiful.” He whispered.

You slapped him instinctively. Hard. His head swiveled slightly, but he quickly brought his gaze back to you. He seemed unfazed even as he blinked away the impact and his cheek started to turn red.

“You will not turn me.” You said through gritted teeth.

He blinked slowly, his eyes traveled across your face, lingering on your lips for a moment.

“I will.” His tone was gentle, but there was terrifying determination in his eyes.

Before you had a chance to argue back he waved a hand in front of your face and you fell unconscious again.

* * *

You awoke in a new cell this time, on a cot that was much larger in size and more comfortable. You took a moment to adjust to your surrounding, eyeing the black wall you were facing. And oh would you look at that, new cuffs! Your anger from before had woken with you, and you still felt just as explosive. You wanted to kill him.

You slowly started to sit up, but stiffened.

Even without the force, you could sense there was a presence behind you.

You turned swiftly on the cot ready to have a go at Kylo again. At this point, even though you were limited to your bare hands, you just wanted to fight.

However, what you found was a weaselly looking redhead sitting across the room. It took you a moment to realize he was the man from the hangar.

His expression was sour as he looked you over, and then he spoke.

“I am General Armita-”

“Where is he?” You cut him off. You had no interest in whatever he had to say. You just wanted to beat Kylo’s ass.

He frowned and pulled his trench coat closer around him and started to speak again.

“I am Genera-”

“Where is he?” You stood abruptly. Maybe it was just the energy from before still bouncing around in you, but you didn’t have an ounce of fear.

“Ren?” He spat. “He’s destroying his quarters at the moment.”

So he was upset too? You huffed. _Good_.

“Ahm.” The redhead was insistent on having your attention. Your eyes flicked back to him.

“I am General Armitage Hux of the First Order.” He looked satisfied as he finally got to complete his statement. “Who are you?”

You slowly sat back down on the cot and glared at him.

He sighed heavily. “You know Ren personally, I assume by the way he’s been throwing a tantrum for the last hour.”

You rolled your eyes.

“I’ve not come to argue with you or torture you. I simply would like to know more about you, seeing as you’ve set my top Commander off. I can’t allow future missions to be compromised because he’s having one of his moments. Who are you to him? I would like to know.”

Oh, so now you were being blamed for his behavior. You crossed your arms and sat back further.

“I’m someone who despises him just as much as you.”

Hux blinked and mirrored your movement as he sat back further in his chair. He regarded you with a peculiar stare. Something pulled at his lips, and you saw just a glimmer of approval in his gaze, but he quickly refocused, narrowing his eyes to continue the interrogation.

“Your force-sensitive I can see.” He nodded towards the cuffs. “A _Jedi_ friend from his past hmm?”

“I wouldn’t call us friends.”

“Well, whatever the status of your relationship is now is no regard to me. I simply ask that you refrain from pissing him off any further.” He stood. “My secretaries are getting very tired of having to re-order bed frames for him, and we can only deploy so many droids to fix his walls a week.” He sounded exhausted.

You blinked. The knowledge that Kylo routinely had tantrums in the privacy of his quarters made you realize that he was likely just as miserable here as he had been at the temple.

Then why was he insistent on staying here?

You sighed. _Escaping the shadow of legends_. Your thoughts from earlier hit, and you dropped your head.

Hux began approaching the cell door but stopped, turning to look at you again.

“Your name?” He paused. “You still haven’t given it to me.”

You stayed silent for a moment, debating whether you should trust him. It wasn’t like you had much to lose at this point. You were the one in the cell, locked up.

You spoke it softly, not even attempting to make eye contact. The name felt insignificant at the moment.

He ran his tongue over his teeth, processing it, and gave a curt nod before exiting.

You glanced around the room. It was a similar set up as your other one, just a bit larger. You stood, preparing to use the refresher. You just felt like you needed to wash off Snoke’s gaze and allow yourself to relax under hot water.

As you washed, you began to calm down again and your mind finally cleared enough for you to start plotting how to get out of this situation. Cooperating with Kylo was clearly out of the picture, but if you could form some other type of alliance, you could maybe see your way out of this.

You realized how drained you were as you exited the shower and got dressed in the sleepwear that had been placed on the edge of the cot.

As you plopped down, your thoughts drifted to Hux. The interaction with him had been brief, but enough had been implied between you both to know that he and Kylo were not exactly friendly. It could have been the sleep talking, but you ventured as far as to assume they were likely enemies.

And after all, wasn’t an enemy of your enemy a friend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate writing them at odds, but all the angst will make the full reunion much sweeter when it finally comes. Promise!


	6. False Alliance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You knew he’d want nothing more than to have something over Kylo - to know something he didn’t. He’d willingly sink his teeth into anything that hinted at conspiring against him. And he bit.

> _“I….I’m sorry. I d-didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry.” Ben had shrunken into one of the corners of the training facility and was covering his face with his hands._
> 
> _His partner was curled up into a ball, dry heaving in the center of the mat, while everyone else gathered around him._
> 
> _Luke worked to calm the boy, talking him back down from his anxiety attack gently, occasionally glancing back at Ben with a disapproving look._
> 
> _You all had been practicing sparing, and well…Ben had gone a little overboard. You knew it wasn’t on purpose. His powers had likely gotten out of control like they often did. You could tell by the look on his face and the hurt in his voice, that he had not intended to harm the other boy. Even more so, you could literally feel his regret. The shame was raking through him, and you were experiencing a bit of it as well._
> 
> _It was one of the weird aspects of your friendship that you hadn’t been able to understand yet. There was an emotional tie between the both of you that could not be unraveled. It could be draining at times to feel everything he felt, but it was also beneficial because you always knew how to calm him down. He seemed to have the same experience with you._
> 
> _The two of you were still young, but he’d already grown taller and stronger from the time he’d first arrived. Other students found him intimidating and strange, and he was well aware of this. However, you still saw him as nothing but a gentle giant. You walked away from the group and approached him slowly, offering a weak smile as he peered out from behind his fingers._
> 
> _He grimaced and shut his eyes tighter._
> 
> _“Ben.” You spoke softly._
> 
> _“Ben!!!” Luke echoed before you could get out any more words. He stormed over, brushing past you, and cornered Ben as he cowered further into the wall. “You have got to be more careful. This was supposed to just be hand to hand combat, not force pushing. You could’ve killed him.” He scolded._
> 
> _“I…I know, Master. I didn’t mean to.” He repeated with his head bowed. “My powers…they just…I can’t control them sometimes. I need help.” He groaned._
> 
> _"You have to learn to control them for yourself.” Luke’s tone was short. He glanced back at the other student who had slowly gotten to his feet now. “You must resist it.” He spoke the last part in a harsh whisper. He then turned and marched back to the crowd of students, who were just gawking at Ben now._
> 
> _You narrowed your eyes at his back as he retreated._
> 
> _What did he mean by resist it? Did he want Ben to resist who he was?_
> 
> _You took a deep breath to calm yourself down before you became the next person to use a force push. You turned your attention back to the boy before you who had completely slumped down on the floor at this point._
> 
> _“Hey.” You knelt, placing your hands gently on his arms._
> 
> _His head was bowed between his knees, and he refused to look up._
> 
> _“Come on. I’ll be your training partner.”_
> 
> _“I’ll hurt you.” He sniffled and wiped his nose._
> 
> _“No, you won’t.” You assured._
> 
> _He shook his head and sighed._
> 
> _“I trust you.”_
> 
> _He peaked up sheepishly, blinking back the tears he had been hiding and sighed again. He pushed himself up and reached for your hand tentatively, still obviously nervous about his sudden surge in strength._
> 
> _Giving his hand a soft squeeze, you tried your hardest to reassure him again that he was not a true threat to you or anybody else._

Now, you sat on the floor of a similar facility, watching him plow through training droids at a rapid pace. His movements were fluid, un-restrained, and more intentional. And even though they weren’t sentient beings, every strike looked personal, landing with vengeful precision. There was an angry aggression to him now, something that hadn’t been there before when he was younger. It was striking to watch, truly. And he was quite the sight to see in the tight black pants and tank top he wore. You sat mesmerized, blinking only when sparks would fly from the fallen droids that he was making his way through. 

It wasn’t until he’d destroyed the last one and turned to face you huffing and puffing, that you remembered you were supposed to be mad at him. You glanced away swiftly, catching him extinguishing his saber out of your peripheral. 

It had been a couple of days since your big blow out. He hadn’t come to visit you at all over the time, but clean clothes and toiletries had been provided regularly, and the meals that were delivered indicated that you’d been on his mind. They were too specific – items that only he would know you’d like. The meiloorun fruit delivered the first day was a soft hint, but by the third day, you were convinced when you received deep-fried nuna legs. He’d been the one to introduce you to them on a visit to Coruscant once. Oh, and the Jawa juice had been another dead giveaway. Part of you wanted to refuse the delicacies as some form of further resistance, but you’d quickly gotten over that _._

You glanced back at him as he approached you now, dabbing at the sweat on his face with a towel. There hadn’t been any words spoken between either of you since he’d retrieved you from your cell. There had been a tense stare off when he first entered, and then he’d finally nodded for you to follow him. With all the attitude in the galaxy you could muster, you’d sighed and trailed behind him out the door. 

When he’d brought you to the training room, you didn’t know what to expect. Enough time had passed for you to cool down and not be so inclined to attack him, but you’d be lying if you said you weren’t a bit disappointed that he hadn’t brought you to spar. 

You had plenty of pint up aggression to take out, and he seemed like a worthy target. But for the last hour, you’d done nothing but watch him take out his own. 

Wordlessly, he dropped the towel in a bin and slowly eased down on the ground beside you, staring at all his work. The buzzing of a few of the droids still glitching was the only sound in the room. 

“I want to train you.” He finally spoke.

You turned to him, slowly. “You made me sit through all of this, just to tell me that?” You couldn’t help but chuckle a little.

He gave a tight smile, still looking ahead as he tried to find words that weren’t too harsh. 

“You haven’t participated in combat for years, but you’ll need to relearn your skills now that you’re a part of the First Order. Anything could happen.” 

You let out a huge huff. “Whew boy, we’re still on this?” 

He turned to face you now. “I’m trying to protect you.”

“You’ve never protected me.” You murmured. The words were meant to hurt him more so than prove a point. You knew for a fact that he had protected you a lot when you both were younger.

Your goal was achieved when you saw the pained expression on his face. 

You decided to keep pushing. “Besides, I can protect myself. I’ve been just fine on my own for 6 years.”

He swallowed and glanced away again. “You don’t have to be alone anymore.” 

You rolled your eyes and bit the inside of your cheek. After a while, you spoke. 

“Are you sorry for what you’ve done at all?”

It was the one thing you needed to know. All of this other stuff about protecting you and making you stronger was irrelevant. He had no idea how badly you just needed him to validate your pain. It wasn’t going to make you completely abandon your morals and willingly join the First Order, but it would help to know that he could at least admit to his betrayal. 

He let out a heavy sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I did what was needed to fulfill my destiny. Your survival was clearly for a reason, so you are now a part of that destiny whether you want to accept it or not. I’m now offering you training in the ways of the dark side of the force - access to power that you were always denied. Your stunt the other day proves that it's in you.”

“That’s not the type of power I crave and you know that!" You groaned. "I’ve only ever sought true balance. I never believed in fully giving into the darkness, but rather acknowledging and working through your emotional flaws so that your light could be more authentic and not just some arrogant front.” You had turned your body to him fully, eying his side profile with a hard glare.

“That’s what you wanted at some point too. You forget I knew you before all of….this.” You waved your hands around. 

“You’re still so idealistic.” He grimaced. “The reality of the situation is that I’m here now, and I’m stronger than I could’ve ever been if I’d stuck to that belief.” 

Sneering, you spoke, “Yet you’re still not satisfied.” 

He turned to look at you again, quirking a brow. “I want for nothing with the First Order.”

“Then why do you constantly destroy your quarters?”

“Who told you that?” His right eye twitched slightly. It was so subtle, it almost went unnoticed.

You looked away and crossed your arms. 

_Probably should’ve kept my mouth shut._

“You spoke with Hux, didn’t you?” If it wasn’t for the grit in his tone, you would’ve better detected his panic. “What did you tell him?”

“Shouldn’t you be more concerned with what he told me about you?”

“What. Did. You. Tell. Him?” His eyes darkened and he shifted to face you head on.

You swallowed. “Nothing.”

“Did you tell him your name?” He demanded.

“Um…”

He sighed heavily. “Does he know who you are to me?” 

The implications of the question threw you off guard, and it took you a moment to respond.

“I mean, he was able to figure out that I’m force-sensitive." You turned away as his glare grew stronger. 

“You don’t need to give him any more information than that. He’ll use anything you tell him against you, or me.”

“How could that information be used against either of us? It means nothing. You clearly don’t have any remorse for what you did, so I don’t see how our relationship could be used to manipulate anything. We mean nothing to each other now. Our history is just an unfortunate fact at this point.” 

You expected to hear more from him, but he was quiet, too quiet. You glanced over to find him just staring at you with an odd expression. His eyes were wide and his lips quivered like he’d seen a ghost. 

“What? I’m killing the past as you suggested.” You shrugged. 

His mouth tightened and he worked his jaw slowly before pushing himself to stand.

“Let’s go.” He spoke lowly. 

You stood, eying him cautiously. Maybe you’d pushed too far this time. 

He paused for a moment as if he had something more to say then started for the exit and you followed him, trailing slightly as he led you back to your cell. 

Once you arrived back to the door, you entered without protest. He waited, watching as you settled on the cot. 

“I’m leaving on assignment for the next few days. When I return…I’d like for us to get to a point where we aren’t constantly trading insults.” He paused, glancing around the room until he finally dared to settle his eyes on you again. “You ask me if I regret what I’ve done… I can tell you this. You’ve never been my enemy, and I don’t want to be yours now.” 

You blinked. You should’ve been elated at the news that he was leaving because it provided the perfect opportunity to plan your escape, but his words left you momentarily stricken. You hated how his small and mediocre doses of kindness warped your train of thought. 

He stepped out, and his hand hovered over the button for a second. 

“Don’t trust Hux…please.” The words were gentler this time.

The door slid shut shortly after.

* * *

A couple of days passed before anything significant happened. You were fortunate for the clock that hung high on the back wall of your cell, as it kept your sanity in tact by allowing you to maintain some sense of a schedule.

The meals delivered throughout this time provided clearer evidence that Kylo had been overseeing your previous ones when he was around. You’d received more than enough portion bread, and you never wanted to drink blue or green milk again.

Most of your solitude was spent trying to figure out an escape plan. What seemed most logical was finding a way to get back to the hangar and flying out on one of the ships, but to do so, you needed a ship access code. How were you going to retrieve an access code and get back to the hangar? You didn't know just yet, but you were praying for a little bit of luck and desperately hanging on to your hope. 

On the third day, you were in the middle of doing crunches on the floor when your door opened, and in walked your favorite redhead.

He scowled down at you, and a moment of awkward silence passed before he spoke.

“Come along then. I know you could use some time outside of this cell.” 

You perked up and immediately shot to your feet. You hadn’t expected an opportunity to present itself so easily. 

Kylo’s warning rang in the back of your head, but you quickly pushed it out. If anyone had proximity to ship access codes, it was Hux. 

You followed him out of the room finding two stormtroopers who immediately moved to flank your sides. 

“Don’t try anything, or they will blast you.” Hux warned with a shaky finger. 

You lifted your arms and shook your cuffs in mock surrender. 

He looked you over one more time and began leading the way toward the direction of the training facility, but he made a right turn and continued to a wing that had way more security detail. Troopers stood at attention as he passed, and he rose his head higher and higher with each salute. 

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes slightly. It was so clear that the easiest way to get what you wanted out of him would be to stroke his ego. You did heed Kylo’s advice to some extent. You weren’t going to allow yourself to trust him completely, but you needed him to think you did. 

He led the way through a couple of security doors, stopping each time to scan himself in until you all entered an area that looked like a private mess hall for top First Order officials. It had a visually appealing aesthetic with its black and chrome walls. There were a few occupied tables, but it wasn’t crowded at all.

Hux led you to an empty table and nodded for you to sit. You did as you were told, and he shooed the troopers away who quickly found a corner to stand in.

He took the seat opposite you and waved down a server, who rushed over immediately with several platters and salads. As soon as the tops were removed from the platters, you realized that Kylo had likely been sending your meals from this kitchen. There were those fried nunu legs you loved so much! The server placed down two glasses of Jawa juice and your heart almost soared. 

You had to admit to yourself that you would miss this easy access to good food when you escaped. 

“So…why’d you bring me here?” You pressed as soon as the server walked away.

Hux narrowed his eyes for a moment, observing you. “It’s been brought to my attention that you were found on Jakku, which is one of the biggest Resistance recruiting hubs.” 

“Didn’t you all blow everything up already?” You crossed your arms and glared.

“That doesn’t mean all the scum has been wiped out.” 

You rolled your eyes,“And what? You think I have some further intel?” 

He nodded.

“You couldn’t have just asked me this in my cell?”

“I thought I’d treat you with a bit more dignity. Now tell me what you know.” He snapped.

“I don’t know anything. I wasn’t involved with the resistance or recruitment.” 

“Then what were you involved with? I’ve looked you up in the database and it shows you’re not a native of Jakku, so what brought you there?” He crossed his arms. 

You bit down on your tongue as Kylo’s warning echoed once again, and you quickly came up with a lie. “I went there for work, but ended up getting stranded because it’s nothing but a dustbowl.”

He snorted but seemed to buy it as he turned his focus to the food before him. “Well, since you’re not affiliated with the Resistance, you should be more inclined to join the First Order’s cause.” 

You bit down on your tongue again. What was with everyone trying to force you to join this cult? 

He made a face as he looked down his nose and began poking at a salad. You watched him closely as he eyed the frail vegetables in his bowl. 

You knew you needed to shift this conversation to your benefit, and you needed to do it quickly. 

“What?” His snippy voice cut through your thoughts. 

“Hmm?” you feigned confusion as you turned your attention to the nunu legs. 

“You were staring at me.” 

“No I wasn’t.” you shrugged and started chewing. 

“Yes, you were.” His tone was getting testier. 

You couldn’t help but grin as you placed your fork down and crossed your arms. “Okay…yeah I was. You got me.” 

“Well…why? Why were you staring at me?” You could see the red tint beginning to fester under the skin on his cheeks.

You pursed your lips and narrowed your eyes observing him as you tapped the table. He fidgeted under your gaze and it made you want to draw out the stare longer, but you cut it short. “I find you fascinating.” 

He swallowed. “Oh…”. He quickly diverted his attention back to his salad. “Why?” 

“Because you seem so committed to the First Order. There is not a single person here who seems to have your same level of passion.” You tried your best to sound genuine, but it truly made you sick. An urge to puke tapped at the back of your throat, but you maintained the fake smile and look of wonder. 

An arrogant smirk tugged at his lips and he let out a little proud huff of air as he sat up straighter.

_Too fucking easy._

“Hm? Even more committed than your little boyfriend?” He cocked a brow and finally took a bite of the salad. 

“He’s not my fucking-” You had to stop yourself. You couldn’t allow him to control this conversation. You unclenched your jaw and sat back. 

“Kylo is not my boyfriend, and never was. But yes, even him. His loyalties lie here with the First Order, undoubtedly.” You couldn’t hide the bitterness in your tone, and you took a breath before you continued. “However, you…you hold an air of authority and conviction that I simply admire. I might not subscribe to the First Order’s ideals just yet, but I think I could learn a lot from shadowing you.” 

He chewed slowly, staring at you with narrowed eyes that were overflowing with accusations. It was evident in his expression that he was used to people pulling his leg or kissing up for access, which was exactly what you were doing. But still, the thought momentarily made you feel bad for the guy. His left eye twitched and you could vaguely see something else in his stare - embers of haughtiness were ablaze in his pupils. He was begrudgingly flattered. 

“Well.” He chuckled a bit and repositioned his meticulously placed napkin across his lap. “I’m not sure how I could be of much assistance…I have no knowledge of the force.” He tried to sound disinterested, but you could tell that he was eagerly trying to figure out something else to offer. You quickly gave him an outlet.

“Of course. I understand that. What I’m seeking though is something a bit more reliant on intellect. If you know what I mean.” You wiggled an eyebrow and his lips twitched into a close-mouthed smile. He was trying so hard not to appear too conceited. You just had to keep pushing.

“I’ve trained enough over the years.” You sighed heavily. “But now, I’m more interested in the complexities of strategy and diplomacy. I’m eager to see how your leadership style differs from the Commander’s.” You leaned forward and spoke in a hushed tone, trying to add a sense of secrecy to the conversation. 

You knew he’d want nothing more than to have something over Kylo - to know something he didn’t. He’d willingly sink his teeth into anything that hinted at conspiring against him. And he bit. 

“We'll begin your conditioning tomorrow. I’ll send troopers to retrieve you at 0600. Be ready.” He spoke shortly as he began repackaging the salad. He stood and gave you a curt nod before briskly marching away. 

You smiled and took one last bite of the nunu legs before the troopers approached and escorted you back to your cell. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I recently started posting this story on wattpad as well, so if you prefer that format, you can head that way. You can find me under the same username (motherofdracaenas). Thanks for reading and the support!


	7. A Gift not Given

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had always seen you in a way you could never even see for yourself. And that’s what was the most terrifying yet enticing thing about him. There was so much you had been able to accomplish by his side long ago – so many moments when you had experienced clarity and that sense of purpose you so fiercely had been clawing at for years.

It took you three days to find out where the access codes were held, and three more before you could get ahold of one. 

The time spent with Hux had been…well, an experience. His strict schedule was ridiculous, to say the least, and his method of “teaching” mostly consisted of him praising himself. A lot of the information went in one ear and out the other because you were usually glancing around. Every opportunity you got, you were searching for a spot that looked like it held secret information.

But at times you found yourself feeling inclined to really sell the act. You’d never seen someone so clearly eager for interaction. The stick up his ass seemed to be making its way back down as the time went on, and he would never admit it, but he did seem to enjoy your company.

After days of performing, you realized that the access codes had been right in front of you the majority of the time, located in a locked box on the corner of his desk. You wanted to laugh. It couldn't be this easy. Surely, the Great General Armitage Hux wouldn't have such valuable information so easily accessible? 

He had been in the middle of one of his long rants when he’d aimlessly popped the box open in front of you and rummaged through the chips for a code that had been requested over his commlink. From that point on, you’d been waiting anxiously for another opportunity for him to open it. 

And Kylo returned on the day that the opportunity presented itself.

You were sitting in Hux’s office trying not to look guilty as you repeated the code in your head. He’d turned around right before you could grab one of the chips from the box, so you had to memorize the 10 character code you’d been able to get a glance at instead. He'd swiftly closed the box and locked it again and proceeded to go on about his cat. He loved that damn cat. 

Suddenly, you heard the sound of thumping boots approaching his office door and you stopped reciting the code in your head, taking a shaky breath. 

“Millicent doesn’t like that brand of catnip. She’s very particular about what she consumes… just like her father.” Hux chuckled to himself, oblivious to the doom that was waiting outside. 

The door slid open not a second later, and Kylo walked in casually backed by a squad of six other men you’d never seen before donned in similar gear as him. They looked even more terrifying than he had the first day he’d captured you. 

“Excuse me?” Hux started, his voice growing shrill as he slammed his hands on his desk. 

Kylo pointed a finger and began to cut him off, then noticed you. You couldn’t see his face because it was shielded by his mask, but you could practically feel his agitation. His body grew rigid, and he slowly lowered his hand and closed it into a fist at his side. 

“Why are you-”

“I’ll leave you two to discuss whatever it is you need to talk about.” You stood and scurried out past the other men into the waiting arms of your trooper escorts, who briskly walked you back to your cell.

You felt his eyes on you as you left, and could still feel a lurking presence once you’d been sealed back in. You paced your cell, knowing he would be visiting you soon. It pissed you off how antsy you were. You didn’t owe him an explanation. Hux was a touchy subject, and you knew that. But still…why should it matter? You didn’t owe him anything, especially not loyalty. Right? 

You groaned. You could already imagine him storming towards you now, ready to pick another fight. All you wanted to do was hop in a fucking ship and get out of there. You hadn’t anticipated his return being so early. 

You calmed yourself and began repeating the code in your head again. You had almost let yourself forget it. You crouched on the floor near your cot and used your nails to try and scratch the code into the wall behind it. It was sloppy and not really legible, but it would have to do.

Your door slid open as soon as you finished the last digit, and you slowly stood back up.

_Shit._

Turning around wasn’t even necessary. The energy shift in the room was heavy enough for you to know who it was, but you eventually moved to face him anyway. 

He stood there holding his mask against his hip, thrumming it with his gloved fingers as he glared at you. As awkward as the silence was, you found it more comforting than whatever he was about to say. 

Had he already figured out what you were up to? Could he hear the code bouncing around in your thoughts? 

“Why were you with him?” He took a step out of the door frame, letting it slide shut. Now you were trapped. 

You swallowed and fought to calm your nerves. You could not let him know you were afraid of him, or that you were planning to escape. 

“I got bored while you were away and decided to shadow him. I thought you’d appreciate my efforts to get more acclimated with the First Order."You spoke nonchalantly as you sat on the edge of the cot. 

He narrowed his eyes and placed his helmet on the chair near the door without removing his gaze from you. “I highly doubt that.” 

He took a step forward and stilled, closing his eyes for a moment as he took a deep breath.

“I told you-” His words were said through clenched teeth and he paused again to calm himself more. “I told you to stay away from him. He’s dangerous.” 

“Sir, please save me the lecture about someone being dangerous. You _know_ our past” You pointed a stern accusatory finger. “So cut the shit.” 

He walked closer until he stood over you, and spoke your name. His voice sounded strained, like he was fighting the urge to plead. You refused to look up, instead focusing your attention on a loose string on your sheets. 

Then you felt his gloved fingers, ever so gently squeezing your chin as he turned your face up to his. “Look at me.” 

You swallowed, not exactly prepared for the mixed emotions you were feeling. One part of you wanted to slap his hand away, but another part of you wanted to nuzzle further into his hold or for him to tighten his grasp. His touch was debilitating.

You quickly shook your head in agitation, loosening his grip and sat further back away from him. His influence on you was ridiculous. 

“I’m not going to apologize. It should not matter to you. Besides, he’s harmless. All he talks about is his damn cat.”

“He has a cat?” 

“Yes. He’s in love with it. I promise you, he didn’t do anything to me, and he didn’t ask about you.” 

Kylo looked around the room searching for a comeback but seemed completely taken aback by the new cat information. 

“Why do you hate him so much?” You blurted. “You work for the same cause. Shouldn’t there be a sense of camaraderie between you two?”

“He’s a snake. His loyalty is to himself, and given the chance, he would kill me." He snapped, then his expression grew smug. "He can’t of course. I’ve made sure he’s too afraid to even try, but his intentions…they are never good. He would use you to complete one of his sick plots to make me appear lesser before Snoke.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Okay, so this is a male ego thing. I got it.”

“Did you not hear anything I just said?” He growled. 

“I heard you loud and clear, but I’m not buying it. You’re just an arrogant asshole, who can’t accept that I’d rather learn from him than you. Besides, how am I supposed to defy a General? Did you forget I'm a prisoner? He's the one who approached me!” 

He rolled his eyes and turned away. 

“I'll handle it then.” He spoke as he walked back to retrieve his mask and slid it on. He left immediately.

* * *

Naturally, you found yourself right back in Hux’s office the next morning. He seemed a little on edge, glancing at the door occasionally; like he was waiting for the masked phantom to come barging in at any moment. But there remained a cockiness about him. It was obvious that you had now become a pawn in their little power war. 

You had no idea what Kylo was up to, but there wasn’t much you could do about that now. All that mattered was getting off of the base as quickly as possible before he could put you on further lockdown. You needed to get to the hangar, and you were going to need an escort. 

Hux sat across from you now murmuring to himself about some weapons deal he was in the middle of setting up. You were to accompany him to a meeting later on about a new blaster prototype they were looking to invest in. It all sounded boring and against your morals, so you decided now was the perfect time to try and jump ship. Literally. 

You glanced down at your cuffed wrist in your lap and closed your fist. Your plan wasn’t exactly the best, but you couldn’t afford to be picky. You brought your eyes back up to look at him and took a breath. 

“Gods, these are so uncomfortable.” You groaned, extending your arms forward on the desk in a dramatic motion.

He glanced up from the paperwork he’d been going through, looking from your wrists to your face, then back to your wrists again.

“Don’t ask me to…” his voice shook slightly. “I can’t.” he scoffed and went back to writing. 

“Oh, please. Can you at least loosen them?” 

He paused again, and let out a heavy sigh. “You’re…you’re just going to trick me. I won’t be fooled.”

“Hux, come on now. You’re far too intelligent. I wouldn’t even dream about trying to outsmart you.” 

His ears reddened slightly, and he sat back, puffing his chest out. “Well…I mean of course. I know that, but it’s still…I shouldn’t.” 

“Please…” You batted your eyelashes, watching as he caved.

He grimaced slightly. “Fine...but no…no sudden movements.” 

He reached into his pocket for a device that opened the cuffs. It struck you at the moment that Kylo had been able to use his bare hands to remove them, likely with the force. Hesitantly, Hux reached forward and took one of your wrists, turning it slightly, to access the button that opened the cuff. 

As soon as you heard the click and felt the faintest resurgence in your powers, you spoke quickly, “You will remove both cuffs completely.” 

He stared down at your wrist and nodded his head slightly. “I will remove both cuffs completely.” 

You let out a breath and relaxed as his fingers moved quickly to release you from the bonds. 

The thin metal clanked on the desk as he laid them down, and then he set back in his chair, awaiting further instruction. 

You paused, watching him for a moment. A giddy feeling kicked up inside you, as you processed how easy this all seemed to be, but you knew better than to bask in it too long. You had to move quickly.

“You will escort me to the hangar now.” 

“I will escort you to the hangar now.” 

The legs of his chair squeaked as he stood and came around to you with a polite hand outstretched. 

“Well, if you insist.” You chuckled, clasping your hand with his.

Personnel made way for you both as you marched toward the hanger. Hux was such a feared and loathsome official, few eyes even landed you. That was just fine with you because you were nervous that someone would notice you were no longer cuffed. 

It was early enough in the day, that barely any staff were around in the hangar when you finally arrived. The few present were busying themselves with recording inventory and had their backs to you. 

You peered around anxiously, searching for a ship that would work for you. You had never been a great pilot, so the simpler the better. You noticed a small frigate in one of the far corners, close to the open entrance. The path to it was clear. It seemed almost too good to be true. 

Then you heard a huff coming from your side and turned to see Hux looking around perplexed. The spell had started to lose its charm. 

“Wait a minute. What’s going on? Why are we here?” 

_Shit._

“You will return to your office, and you won’t remember any of this.” You waved a hand in front of his face quickly. 

He repeated your words back to you as his eyes glazed over once again. You let out a sigh and watched as he swiftly turned and marched away.

You turned and started making your way to the ship you’d been eying, ducking behind other ships as you tiptoed forward. 

Once you arrived at the frigate, you peered around again to see if anyone had noticed. You were still pretty much in the clear and you moved to lower the ramp. 

But you stilled before your hand could hit the lever, feeling an undeniable ache stretch its way through your body. It finally hit you what you were about to do.

Your craving for the boy you once knew had turned into a longing for the man he was now. As much as you despised his new ideologies and his absolute refusal to offer remorse, you couldn't help but feel like you were running away from yourself. You both had always been kindred spirits - mirrored souls in the most tragic way. How could you leave him? 

Where would you even go? Going back to Jakku would be idiotic, and completely starting fresh in a new location sounded exhausting. You didn't have roots anywhere - your parents had made sure of that, and Luke was MIA the one time you actually wanted his advice.

That feeling of Kylo's force signature began weaving itself back around you like it had on Ahch-To, trickling down your spine as you stood frozen. He could be so warm when he wanted to be. It wouldn’t be that hard to learn to love him again because in truth you’d never truly stopped. Even as you'd fought him tooth and nail over the last few days, you'd desperately anticipated every interaction - forever so helplessly thrilled to be near him. 

He had always seen you in a way you could never even see for yourself. And that’s what was the most terrifying yet enticing thing about him. There was so much you had been able to accomplish by his side long ago – so many moments when you had experienced clarity and that sense of purpose you so fiercely had been clawing at for years.

Your hand hovered over the ramp control as you stood staring back at the hangar entrance, contemplating what you really wanted - who you really wanted to be. 

* * *

Kylo had spent most of the day of his return in strategy meetings and briefings. He hadn’t had a chance to come visit you again, but there was something he’d been itching to give you that he’d brought back from his mission.

He'd been sent to observe the construction of the new base on Ilum, and had stumbled into one of the ancient ice caves before demolition. He now paced his quarters anxiously, eyeing a pair of lavender kyber crystals on his desk. The fact that the crystals had actually called to him was still a shock, seeing as how he'd closed himself off from the light for so long. 

His leg bounced rapidly as he settled on the edge of his newly delivered bed. He had hoped to gift you the crystals earlier when he’d first got back, but when he’d discovered you in Hux’s office he’d been thrown for a loop. He couldn't tell if his agitation stemmed from you deliberately ignoring his request or if it was sourced from jealousy. The latter seemed ridiculous. What did Hux have that he would ever need to envy?

_Well for one, he seemed to be able to hold a normal conversation with you._

He raked his hands down his face then reached his hands forward, summoning two dainty hilts from his dresser. 

He’d held on to them for years after he’d found the two blades during a visit back to the temple. Snoke had sent him to the ruins to recover any artifacts that had survived the destruction. He'd been stumbling through the debris, feeling claustrophobic as the weight of his shame began to box him in. He couldn't remember a thing from that night, but clearly so much had happened. His feet made contact with something, and he'd stopped to glance down. The glint of familiar hilts peeked through the sullied soil, and he'd dropped to his knees right before throwing up. 

He liked to think that Snoke had no idea how close he'd come to turning back to the light that day, but the abuse he'd received in training shortly after his return told him otherwise. However, his Master had never found out about the extra items he'd brought back. 

Now, as he turned them over in his hands, he admired the simple design you’d chosen for both your larger hilt and your smaller shoto. They along with the crystals were supposed to be one large gift, so that you could fashion new weapons– an expression of the regret he still couldn’t find the words to fully convey.

He didn't even intend on making you bleed the crystals, seeing as how you were still not fully accepting of his offer to join him on the dark side. That was fine with him. He'd had time to think during his time away from you, and had decided on a different approach. He'd work to keep Snoke at bay from your progress, and give you the space and time to trust him again.

He recognized he hadn't been fair. But he hoped this gift would be a small step toward you understanding his adoration of you.

He stood up and reached for a bag, placing the hilts in them. He wrapped the crystals back up and dropped them in as well, and then he headed for your cell. Embarrassing anxiety swarmed in his chest as he neared. Gods he hoped you'd appreciate the sentiment. He didn't want to fight anymore, and he didn't want to keep you caged a second longer.

When he found the cell empty, his excitement morphed into boiling anger. His first thought was Hux and how he was going to wring his neck. He’d had choice words with him the day before, and had made his demands pretty damn clear – _stay away from her._

He started for the irritants office walking at a swift speed, only for the fool to crash into him before he could even reach the door. When he registered who it was, he lunged. 

“Where is she?” He demanded, dragging Hux forward by his collar. 

Hux flinched and tried to pull back, but Kylo's grip only tightened until eventually he shoved him back into the wall.

"Have you lost your mind?” Hux's face twisted into a deep scowl as he straightened out his uniform. 

“Where is she?” Kylo repeated taking a step closer. 

Hux cowered slightly and stepped back. “Who?”

Kylo practically screamed your name.

Hux flinched again and blinked rapidly. “I…I don’t know. The last thing I remember is being in the office with her.” 

Kylo pushed past him into the office and his eyes immediately landed on the desk. There sat the cuffs. He grabbed them and slowly inhaled before he turned to face Hux who had followed behind. 

“You fool.” He snarled and stepped forward. Hux stumbled back, still completely confused. Before he could think to land a strike, something punched him in his gut instead – your signature. 

He instantly fled the office, leaving Hux perplexed and headed in the direction that your signature was coming from. Rounding a corner, he nearly crashed into a droid before he stumbled into the hangar.

He saw it immediately - a frigate across the vast space was slowly beginning to levitate. Every one of his instincts told him it was you. Before he could think to act, the ship took off out of the hangar and hit light speed almost instantaneously. 

His breathing grew shaky as his fist tightened around the cuffs in his hands. As soon as he’d gotten you back, you’d slipped away again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh she got away? Awww...mmm. Alright.
> 
> Haha, I know this was kind of sad, but I hope you all are still enjoying!


	8. Attachment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But all of that was easier said then done. He couldn't shake the sense of betrayal that seemed to sting him every time he thought about your escape. He'd been so sure that you would turn for him, eventually. He knew it was pure insanity to think you wouldn't still put up a fight, but that didn't stop him from feeling hurt, and his fleeting thoughts of vulnerability would always morph back into irritation. His ability to think logically was dwindling the longer you were away.

As much as he wanted to flip his quarters and send out every squadron on base to search for you, he knew he needed to keep this under wraps. If Snoke found out you’d escaped, far worse would come to you both. He had to remain calm and maintain a sense of casualty although he wanted to rip his hair out. He wasn’t even angry, more so stunned. He'd been just going through the motions, constantly replaying the sight of the frigate blasting away in his mind.

How could he have been so careless? He should've moved you into his quarters the second he got back...He should've just apologized. 

After his discovery in the hangar, he'd swiftly wiped the memories of the engineers who happened to notice the ship leave at the same time as him. He’d then gone back to Hux’s office and done the same - even managing to pull the memories of your mind trick directly from the idiot's thick skull without being detected. When the General questioned about your whereabouts a couple of days later, he’d spared his ego by feeding him a lie that he’d sent you off to another base for proper conditioning. He knew the man would literally combust if he discovered he’d been successfully manipulated. And as much as he liked the thought of seeing Hux explode, he didn’t have the time to toy with him. 

Kylo had gone on to relay pretty much the same information to those who had been tasked with guarding you and delivering items to your cell. He’d even gone as far as to remove the frigate you’d stolen from the ship log, so no questions would come up about it. No one knew the truth accept for his knights. 

_She's away for a while, but she'll be back._ That's what he told anyone who asked, but the phrase was more so for himself. It served as a hopeful proclamation- the only thing keeping him sane. 

A week and a half had passed with no success at tracking you **.** He'd been running off no sleep and barely any food. He wanted to be out searching himself, but he knew that would only raise suspicion, so he'd sent his knights.

He’d received an update in the morning about their search. You were still undetectable likely because you were suppressing your powers again, but they planned on turning their focus to the Japrael system next. He had a hunch for that system because he remembered your obsession with the planet of Onderon as a kid. He knew you well enough to know you wouldn’t be foolish and go back to Jakuu or Ahch-To, so Onderon was his next best bet. 

He’d been in a briefing most of the day for an upcoming mission but hadn’t processed any of the information. As he sat at the head of the table, listening to the noise of other officers quarreling about strategy, he had a striking realization - He didn't give a single fuck about bringing order to the galaxy. 

He shifted under the watchful eye of Hux who sat across the conference table and seemed to be picking up on his distracted state. He straightened out his face and tried to look more interested in the conversation, but the notion had already hooked itself deep into his skin.

It was the first time he allowed himself to admit that none of his actions over the past six years had any true meaning to him. There hadn't been a single quest that had brought him a sense of clarity. None of Snoke's rare praises had held any weight. He wasn't even so sure of his destiny to follow in his grandfather's footsteps anymore. There was only one thing he was sure of. 

He wanted you, only you, and in whatever capacity, in whatever way. And he knew that wasn’t fair, to hold you hostage for his own satisfaction. It was selfish and beyond realistic, but he knew in that moment that he’d spend the rest of his life, if you’d allow him, making up for it all. He would consciously work on opening back up to you, willingly unravel his bandages of apathy. If anyone deserved to poke at his wounds, it was you. 

And he’d take every jab in stride, without retaliation as long as you'd allow him to pull you close once you’d spent all your energy lashing out at him. He wanted you to know how desperately sorry he was, how forever in your debt he _wanted_ to be. It would legitimize his purpose in your life. It would keep you near. 

And if you didn’t want to claim your powers again, that was fine. He’d put all of his into protecting you. There would be no need for you to lift a finger again, no need to fear. You’d see.

But all of that was easier said then done. He couldn't shake the sense of betrayal that seemed to sting him every time he thought about your escape. He'd been so sure that you would turn for him, eventually. He knew it was pure insanity to think you wouldn't still put up a fight, but that didn't stop him from feeling hurt, and his fleeting thoughts of vulnerability would always morph back into irritation. His ability to think logically was dwindling the longer you were away.

He had finally escaped back to his quarters away from all the redundant First Order business and had hopped into the shower. The hot water singed his skin as the steam wisped against the glass walls. He thought the setting would help clear his head and allow him to tap into the force, using it to guide his insights and find you quicker. 

And the force answered the call, but in the strangest way. 

He had just ruffled his damp hair and was stepping out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist when he felt it - a subtle pull in his chest. The shower door silently shut, and he stilled, too afraid to even blink.

Someone was here with him - a presence so close. Every sound but the thrumming of his heart beat had been muted, and he felt like he was suspended in a glass, cut off from everything. He slowly turned towards the refresher entrance, feeling the presence strongest in that direction.

And there you stood, gaping at him. Well, more so gaping at his chest.

He shot a hand down to hold his towel tighter around his waist as his eyes widened. 

_How?...How was this happening?_

The expression on your face made his cheeks burn with mostly embarrassment but also a bit of pride. It was clear that seeing his exposed body made you flustered, and for the first time in a long-time, you weren’t so quick-witted. He quickly snapped out of it, taking a quick scan behind you to see if he could recognize where you were. There was nothing. It was like you were just there, standing in the entryway to his refresher, but he knew you weren’t. The force’s presence was all over whatever this was. 

“Can you see my surroundings? I can’t see yours” He questioned, working his jaw as he glanced around, in search for some indication. 

“Can you put those away.” You stammered, ignoring his question.

He blinked, confused at first then followed your gaze down to his chest. Fighting the smirk that pulled at his lips, he looked back up and narrowed eyes. Best to poke at you when you were so clearly unfocused. 

All his earlier thoughts about falling to his knees at your feet went out the door. He was desperate and didn't have the time to coddle you.

“Tell me where you are…now.” 

It didn’t go unnoticed to him that you bit your lip and slowly swallowed before tearing your gaze from his chest and up to his eyes. His cheeks grew warm and he shifting awkwardly. 

_No, no, no. Stay in control._

“How is this happening? How are we seeing each other like this?” You crossed your arms defiantly. Your fire was back. 

“I don’t know, but you need to tell me where you are. You won’t be punished if I’m the one to find you.” 

“You talk like you’re one to trust.” You rolled your eyes slightly. 

He thought to use the Jedi mind trick like usual, but realized you were no longer restrained by the cuffs, so he had to try and reason. 

“Right now, I’m the only one who knows you’ve escaped. If Snoke were to find out…he’d have you executed.”

“Well, he’d have to find me first now wouldn’t he?” You flashed a cheeky grin as you crossed your arms. 

“He will.” He hissed. 

You were agitating him beyond belief. Gods, why couldn’t you see that he was trying to protect you? The longer you were on the run, Snoke would begin to feel the disconnect and send for you. And he wouldn’t just drag you back for a stern lecture.

You regarded him with a look of pure confusion. “Why do you care?”

He wanted to rip his damn hair out. How were you still so oblivious to how he felt about you? He took a shaky breath and spoke. 

“Where are you? Tell me now. I’ll have someone come to you and bring you back. We’ll act like this never happened.” He swallowed. “You are in danger alone.” 

You made a face, but seemed to be considering his plea. He hoped you’d just listen. He knew better than anyone else, what Snoke’s wrath looked like in response to defiance. He’d tried to escape his control numerous times before, only to be dragged back. He learned quickly, that Snoke had a way of finding what he wanted and crippling it. 

He suddenly had a thought. Maybe if he got closer, he’d be able to see your surroundings. Maybe he’d even be able to reach out and…

He took a step forward, and you raised your arms instinctively, already on the defense. He paused. 

“Don’t come near me.” 

“I want to see if I can touch you.”

“I don’t want you to touch me.” You hissed. 

He sighed heavily, already feeling the bond beginning to weaken. He'd missed his opportunity. 

“I will find you.” He spoke sternly, and just like that you vanished and his surroundings stabilized. 

He let out a low growl. 

_What the fuck was that?_

* * *

You were unnerved. Nothing like that had ever happened between you two before, even when you hadn’t been constantly clawing at each others’ necks. To see each other across the galaxy, so vividly…it was unnatural - like your attachment had taken physical form.

You huffed as you settled back in the cockpit. You’d been too proud to admit that the damn ship had already run out of fuel. Some random planetary moon had become your destination stop after an emergency landing. When you discovered the food stash in the back of the ship a couple of hours into your flight, you knew the maker had been looking out for you. You hadn’t planned on an extended stay in the vessel. You’d just been so focused on escape. 

You took a bite of some grain bar and threw your head back in the seat, pondering how you were going to make it off the moon. You could go searching for civilization later, but you didn’t want to think about all the ways that could go wrong. 

So your mind wandered back to the frustratingly fine force wielder who had just magically appeared before you. 

_Why the hell did it have to connect then?_

You groaned into your hands. Gods, he was hot. He’d always been attractive, but now it was just downright unfair. 

There had always been a weird tension between you both, a forbidden crush maybe? But the thought of being together like that had been back-seated by the innocence of your bond. Plus, the Jedi code had a way of cockblocking all on its own.

But Gods, you could’ve sworn he’d gotten off to the sight of you ogling at him. Had those underlying feelings been mutual back then? They definitely seemed to be now. But what did that mean? 

“Nothing.” You growled to yourself, slamming your hands on the console. “It means nothing because the bastard tried to kill you, and now intends to hold you hostage until he decides to try again.” Your breathing was heavy as you tried to talk yourself back down.

When you'd finally made your decision to board the ship, you knew you were still going to haunted by thoughts of him, that the pull of him would never turn you loose. But you hadn't expected for him to actually manifest before you.

You shut your eyes tightly, still trying to steady your breaths. None of that mattered now. What you needed to focus on was continuing to put distance between yourself and him, until eventually, you could slip under the radar again - preferably on a less sandy planet.

* * *

It had been 2 days since your unexpected connection, and your food rations were starting to dwindle. You were in a fitful sleep turned away from the cockpit with your legs sprawled out, when you felt the same pull in your chest as before. You groaned and kept your eyes closed, not fully awake enough to be cognizant of what was about to happen.

“You’re still in the ship, so you’ve not settled anywhere for good. And you’re attempting to sleep, which means we’re probably still in similar time zones. You can’t be too far.” His voice sent your eyes flying open. 

There he was, sitting across from you like he was at the edge of a bed. You still couldn’t see his surroundings, but of course, he was once again shirtless. You glared hard. 

“I can tell by the way you’re laying, that you’re propped against the pilot’s chair. I can’t see it, but I can tell.” He murmured rubbing his lips. 

How long had he been watching you sleep? 

“I don’t want to see you.” 

“I’m not exactly controlling this.” He huffed and stood. You immediately raised your hands. “Relax.” He sighed. “Where are you? Please just tell me.”

You didn’t respond. He rolled his eyes and sat back down on whatever it was he was sitting on. You swallowed. The way he sunk into it, you were convinced it was a bed. A warm…comfortable bed, not a hard metal floor or awkward chair. You shifted irritably. 

“Come here.” He spoke softly, beckoning you forward. He had seen the longing in your eyes. “Let’s see if you can lay. You look like shit. I know you need a good rest.” 

Your face burned with embarrassment. How distressed did you look? 

_Shit_. 

“I won’t touch you, just come lay with me, quickly before whatever this is ends.” He was growing impatient. 

You sat back, crossing your arms as you contemplated. This could all be a trap. But your back was aching considerably and your limbs were growing sore from the awkward position you’d been forced to sleep in, too afraid to find lodging off the ship. 

He held out a large hand. “Come, join me.” It was more of a plea than a demand.

Letting out a huff, you stood and slowly shuffled forward until you were standing directly in front of him. 

“Move over.” You snapped. 

He smiled sheepishly and pushed himself back to the right side. He looked like he was just floating atop darkness, so you tentatively reached out to feel for the bed. He extended a hand to aid you, but you shooed him away. 

Eventually, you made contact with the bed yourself, and oh did it feel wonderful. It was awkward at first, but you eventually crawled on top of the invisible mass and made yourself comfortable on the left, as far away from him as you possibly could get. You patted around for the pillow until you found it and snuggled in. 

He was watching you, you could tell. Slowly, he began pulling at something and you shot up, ready to defend yourself. 

“Relax…I’m trying to re-situate the covers.” He grumbled. 

You laid back down slowly, almost weeping when you felt the soft sheets fan out over you a moment later. 

“Thank you.” You yawned automatically. You turned your back to him again and snuggled in deeper. 

He chuckled softly and settled on his side. 

Your guard should’ve been on high alert. There was no way he was just casually letting you lay beside him. Surely he would figure out some way to snatch you through the portal? 

But he made no further movements, and you finally relaxed as you drifted off to sleep.

* * *

He stayed awake the entire time, watching you as you slept. The smart thing to do would’ve been to touch you and see if he could pull you through whatever it was that was connecting the two of you.

But he had promised not to, and even if you’d never know he tried, it still felt invasive. He didn’t want to violate the little trust you somehow still had in him. But Gods, he would do anything just to stroke your jaw, rub small circles into your scalp, press soft kisses to the nape of your neck, trail his fingers down your... _Fuck._

He ran a rough hand over his face as his frustration and exhaustion coupled together. Sleep was begging for him to just release. The comfort he felt next to you was the perfect state for relaxing, something he hadn’t been able to do in years. Yet, he refused to miss anything. Just being allowed to be this close to you after the days apart was a blessing, and he knew the force bond could end at any moment. 

So he stayed awake, letting his mind traveled to another time when a certain grumpy Jedi had been the main obstacle to your intimacy. 

> _Your distress was so loud, even across the field of huts. He’d felt it and immediately sat up from his own restless sleep. A nightmare. You were having a nightmare._
> 
> _The thought alone sent chills down his spine. Not you. No, not you. Had the voice gotten to you too? He couldn’t stomach the idea of you being tainted and tormented like him, and he rushed out of his hut in the dead of the night until he came upon yours. Your whimpers pooled at his feet on the other side of the door, and he force compelled it open without hesitation._
> 
> _He bolted to you, hopping into the cot and pulled your body to his. You didn’t awake at the feel of him, but your cries immediately died out. He stroked your arm gently as you instinctively nuzzled further into him and mumbled, “Ben.”_
> 
> _His heart tightened as your fingers clung to his nightshirt and your trembling subsided. He pried one of your hands from him, and laced both of your fingers, loving the feeling of your warm breath against his neck._
> 
> _He must have fallen asleep eventually because the next thing he saw when he opened his eyes was his uncle standing over him, donning his infamous tired expression of disapproval._
> 
> _“N-Nothing happened.” He sat up quickly and immediately cringed as you began to stir. The last thing he wanted was for you to wake up and see him here. As he spoke, he slowly pulled himself away from you. “I…I…I sensed she was in danger. She was having a dream.”_
> 
> _Luke raised his hand to cut off his blubbering. “I know. Come on, kid.” Luke turned and exited the hut._
> 
> _He followed, closing the door softly, and turned to face his uncle with downcast eyes. He was just waiting to be lectured._
> 
> _“Let’s go.” Luke sounded surprisingly calm, but it could’ve just been the sleep deprivation. It clearly ran in the family. “Let’s get you back to sleep.” He ushered him forward. “In your bed.” He added. Never too tired for sarcasm._
> 
> _Ben’s face flushed and he lumbered forward awkwardly, following his master back across the field._
> 
> _His mind was turning. There were so many emotions that had been bubbling in his thoughts since his arrival a few years ago._
> 
> _“Uncle.” He called out softly._
> 
> _“What did I tell you?”_
> 
> _He swallowed. “My apologies Master…Master Skywalker?”_
> 
> _“Yes?”_
> 
> _“Can I ask you about attachments?”_
> 
> _Luke stopped walking and took a long pause before sighing, “Yes.” He continued forward._
> 
> _“I know they’re frowned upon, but are the rules just as strict between two force-sensitive beings? I mean shouldn’t things cancel out?” He had caught up to the older man and was wringing out his hands._
> 
> _Luke smiled over at him with a slightly pained expression, knowing what was implied. “Attachments are not just simply frowned upon. They are forbidden.” He corrected first._
> 
> _Ben swallowed and cast his eyes down to his feet._
> 
> _“And yes, the rules are stricter, even more so between force sensitives. When you have two with the power of the force, they’re individual powers put together, in that way, can turn into something sinister.”_
> 
> _He blinked back tears of frustration at his master’s condemning words. His fists tightened at his side._
> 
> _The Old Jedi continued. “What is believed to be love is just a disguise for passion, and our passions make us selfish. The two will begin to act in favor of each other before they act in favor of the galaxy, and that is to be completely adverse to the ways of the force.”_
> 
> _Ben let out a sigh, easing himself off the mountain of negative emotions that had been dogpiling in his brain. The confirmation that he could never proudly express his feelings for you, that he may put himself and you in danger by doing so... it was a lot to process._
> 
> _Luke glanced over at his student again, feigning genuine ignorance, “Why do you ask?” But he already knew._
> 
> _"No reason,” Ben mumbled and swiftly fled into his hut, shutting the door._

You jolted beside him suddenly, and he sat up on his elbow fully alert now as he pulled himself out of the lucid memory

He whispered your name, and you jolted again, letting out a soft whimper. That was enough for him. He didn’t have single care about the promise he had made. You were in distress.

He moved towards you instinctively and reached out an arm to draw you into his chest. He was so grateful that it worked, that you could actually touch each other in this state.

“Hey…wake up.” He whispered shaking you slightly. 

You flinched again and threw an arm over him, as if shielding him from whatever you were seeing in your sleep. 

“No, you can’t have him.” You groaned.

He blinked watching your face contort in agony.

“He’s stronger than that.” Now you were hissing, thrashing wildly. “He won’t…he won’t go this way.” 

He moved your arm off of him and shook you rougher this time. “Wake up…wake up.” He demanded. 

Your eyes flew open, and you pushed back from him, scrambling back to your side of the bed. “What, what happened? Why are we still here?” 

“I don’t know why the bond has lasted this long, but you were talking in your sleep.” He moved to sit up with his legs crossed and ran a hand through his hair. 

You yawned slightly, coming off of your surge of panic. “Hmm. I hope I was cursing you out.” 

He snorted slightly and shook his head. “It sounded more like you were defending me.” He whispered, eying you curiously. 

You ran your tongue over your teeth as your eyes narrowed. “Oh..." 

He opened his mouth to speak again, desperate to know more about what you'd seen in your dream, but you quickly turned back over and immediately left him with nothing but the sound of your snores. Conflicted and exhausted, he laid back down, keeping his gaze on the back of your head until he eventually fell asleep as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're both annoying...I know lol. 
> 
> I wanted to share a new fic I recently posted. It's a much sweeter Kylo/Reader story if you ever get overwhelmed by the heavier tone of this one. It's called Kottagecore! It'll be updated less frequently, but I'm still excited to explore it. Sometimes even I need a break from writing these two idiots ; )
> 
> Overall though, I hope you all are enjoying the progression of the story!


	9. Tell Me Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. This chapter is a little heavy towards the end, and I just wanted to give a fair warning so no one blindly walks into something that may be a trigger. I hope you enjoy!

You woke up the next morning pretty well-rested, although you were now on the floor of the ship. You pushed up, looking around for any signs of him, but there were none. He was gone.

 _Good_.

You’re eyes watered slightly as you fought to suppress your true feelings about his absence. Taking a shaky breath, you made your way to your feet. It made no sense to be yearning for the man you were running from. The only things you needed to be concerned with were finding more food and fuel asap.

You suspected that there had to be other life forms around seeing as to how lush the landscape was. It was made up of pure forest, with an expansive canopy, but somehow you’d been lucky enough to steer the ship into a clearing before landing. 

You stretched wide and closed your eyes for a moment, trying to see if you could sense nearby life forces. It was a dangerous game to play - using the force even a little could put a ping right on your location, but there were limited alternatives. You moved for the exit ramp reaching for one of the last water pouches and took a swig before hitting the release button.

As you exited the ship, you picked up on several signatures in the direction ahead, so you began your trek, hoping and praying you weren’t walking towards hostiles.

After a while, you started to hear voices carrying up ahead and slowed your pace, lowering yourself into the shadows of the brush. As you neared, you peeked over a bush and saw what looked to be a travel stop trade market, bustling with all kinds of beings. You let out a soft sigh. All you had to trade were the boots on your feet, but if they could get you fuel, you’d suffer the walk back.

You emerged and approached the crowd casually, trying not to bring attention to yourself. Eventually, you were swept up in the frenzy of the market and visited several booths but had no luck with finding fuel. Before you could sulk away, you came across a station selling some type of fritter kebabs. You’re mouth watered as you peered at the sticks rotating over a small fire in the tent.

The vendor was an elderly Ugnaught gentleman who was sitting with his arms crossed across his stomach and maintaining a gruff expression.

You licked your lips and approached.

“You look hungry.” He spoke flatly.

Your eyes had trailed back to the kebabs, but you quickly brought them back to him.

“You also look like you’re running from something.” He shifted forward in his seat to get a better look at you.

You gulped and glanced away. “I’m…just hungry, sir.”

“Mhm.”

He stood and walked back into the tent, plucking two of the rotating kebabs from the fire. You crouched down and started to remove your boots but stopped when you felt his eyes on you again.

You glanced up to see him peering down from over the table. 

“What are you doing?”

“A-All I have are these boots to trade, sir.”

“I don’t want ‘em.”

You closed your eyes and stood back up, balling your fists at your side. Attempting a Jedi mind trick to steal food, seemed sacrileges, but you were slowly losing your patience. Before you could finish contemplating, he spoke.

“Here.”

You opened your eyes and stared down at the two kebabs being extending towards you.

“Hurry, before the meat falls off.” He grumbled.

You moved quickly, scooping them out of his small hands, and gave a small bow.

“Surely, I could offer something. Please, take the boots, or…” You tried to think of something else back at the ship you could return to trade, but he interrupted your thoughts again.

“There is nothing you can offer me. I’m giving them to you for free.

“But - ”

He lifted his hand swiftly, “I have spoken.”

You closed your mouth and gave a soft nod. Then he marched back into the tent and returned with a canister that was sloshing over with what looked to be water. He thrust it at you with a knowing look.

You chuckled and moved the kebabs to one hand before reaching for it. “Thank you.”

He watched you a moment more as you drank it down before handing it back to him, and with a final nod, he moved on to a new customer who had appeared.

You turned and began making your way back through the crowd, munching on the fritters as you did. But as you disappeared back into the brush, you sensed you were being followed and sped up your pace. Eventually ducking behind a tree, you peered out to get a glimpse of the presence you felt. Before you could get a good look, strong arms clamped down around you and you immediately dropped the last fritter.

Your fight or flight senses kicked in and you threw all your weight forward, attempting to throw the being over your head, but they weren’t budging.

“That your ship back in the clearing?” A deep voice hissed. 

It sounded like a Trandoshan, and you involuntarily gagged. You tried to jerk again, but he tightened his grip around your waist, and you felt his scaly flesh brush against your exposed arms.

“You’re First Order aren’t you? They’d pay a hefty price for a lost pilot.”

Realizing, you were about to be taken hostage, you summoned all your strength to blast him off of you. You turned swiftly, seeing the reptilian humanoid sprawled and unconscious a few feet away. But before you had time to celebrate, two more came charging at you. You tried to spare them at first, engaging in just hand to hand combat. You didn’t really want to hurt anyone, but just like before, you were slowly losing patience. You landed a few strong strikes here and there, but spent most of the fight ducking and dodging, intent on wearing them out. They were coming at you from both sides, but you were sharp and fully alert to their every advance. 

You were oblivious, however, to the fact the two more sets of eyes were on you as you fought.

It wasn’t until you realized that the Trandoshans had produced daggers that you decided to hell with it. Right as you sent one flying into a tree, the other approached from your left and you quickly used the force to paralyze him in place. Out of your periphery, you noticed some falling branches from the tree you’d just sent the other into, and quickly summoned the thickest one before bringing it down on his head. He crumbled before you, and you stood heaving for a moment.

“You guys made me drop my last kebab.” You grumbled as you wiped your brow. 

But it wasn’t over.

“Watch out, behind you!” A familiar voice called.

_Kylo?_

You turned swiftly, searching for him, but all you saw was the first attacker who you thought you’d taken care of. He was barreling towards you, but you were still thrown off from hearing Kylo’s voice and didn’t react fast enough. All you could do was close your eyes and brace for impact, but the hit never came.

You heard the sound of a blaster going off and then the fall of a body. Hesitantly, you peeked out of one eye and saw the Trandoshan laid out at your feet with a blaster wound smoking through his back.

You glanced up expecting to see Kylo, but found only the Ugnaught there, casually putting his blaster back into his holster.

“Thank you.” You breathed

He squinted up at you, but before he could speak, someone else called your name from behind, and you jerked back around.

There he was. You knew you weren’t crazy. Kylo was gazing at you wide-eyed, clearly having witnessed the whole thing. For a moment you thought he’d actually found you and just had impeccable timing, but you quickly realized you were still only viewing him by way of the force.

“Where the hell are you? Tell me now.” He snapped. 

You glanced back at the Ugnaught who was eyeing you curiously, clearly confused as to what you were looking at.

You turned back to Kylo.

“I’m fine. It’s handled.”

“Is someone still there with you? I heard a blaster.” He questioned and narrowed his eyes as he tried to peer behind, but you knew he couldn’t see anything, just like you still couldn’t see his surroundings. 

“Yeah, I made a friend.” You shrugged realizing the Ugnaught probably thought you were crazy just talking to yourself. Then you had a thought. “You can’t see what’s around me, so how were you able to warn me about the one approaching me?” You raised your brow. 

“I saw their shadow on your back.” He sighed, but his tone quickly became harsh again. “Tell me where you are. You’re clearly in danger.” He took a step closer. 

Then his gaze left you and flicked to something behind your head. You tensed for a moment, fearful that somehow your surroundings had become visible to him, but then you saw his eyes widen as his cheeks reddened with embarrassment. 

“Someone caught you talking to yourself didn’t they?” You smirked.

“Be quiet.” He hissed.

You heard a familiar nasally tenor. “Ren…is everything alright?”

“Yes.” He spoke shortly, keeping his gaze still past you. 

“How embarrassing.” You chuckled.

Then his eyes flicked back to you. “I’m sure you look pretty ridiculous to your _friend_ right now too?”

You blushed and started to turn back to address the vendor, but Hux’s voice came again, this time dripping in sarcasm.

“Are you sure you’re alright? You’ve been acting rather strange ever since you sent your _girlfriend_ away. Perhaps, I should alert the Supreme Lea -”

Without taking his eyes off you, Kylo extended his hand, and you heard a loud thud.

I few seconds passed before you heard shaky breaths being drawn in the background. “I won’t keep taking your abuse, Ren.” Hux wailed, and then his footsteps retreated. 

“Tell me where you are.” Kylo’s focus was fully back on you. 

“No.”

He pursed his lips slightly and started to speak, but the connection suddenly cut off, and he disappeared. You swayed for a moment as you realized how much of your energy had been spent. Eventually, you turned back to the Ugnaught who had remained silent the entire time you’d been casually talking to the air.

“When I saw these guys following you.” He kicked the leg of the dead Trandoshan. “I thought they might be what you were running from.” He looked back up. “But now, I’m assuming it’s whatever that was.” He quirked a brow and nodded to the empty space where Kylo had just been standing.

“I…I know I look crazy.” You started.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me.” He lifted a hand. “I don’t question the ways of the force, and I can tell you are strong with it by the way you fight.”

You winced thinking about the damage you’d done and glanced back at the other two unconscious bodies. 

“How much of that did you see?”

“…Enough.”

* * *

Kylo had seen enough as well. Watching you fight had been quite exciting. You were stronger than he expected you to be, but it still didn’t absolve the terror he’d felt watching you fend for yourself alone. He couldn’t properly see your attackers or figure out how to help you, and that had frustrated him beyond belief. He’d been walking down the hall towards another mundane briefing when you’d just materialized before him clearly fighting for your life, and he’d been able to do absolutely nothing. As soon as the connection ended abruptly, he diverted his course from the meeting room and marched to the hangar to board the Silencer. To hell with keeping things under wraps. 

* * *

The Ugnaught had taken you back to his booth and roasted a few more kebabs for the road. Once you’d thanked him profusely, again and again, you’d finally been able to make it back to the ship and settle into the pilot’s chair for a nap. But you awoke to find your head rested on someone’s shoulder. You jumped back prepared for another full out brawl with a Trandoshan, but only found Kylo seated in the co-pilot’s chair beside you. 

“What the hell?” You screamed. “How did you get here?”

“I’m not _actually_ here. The force is doing that weird thing again.” He grumbled, keeping his eyes ahead. 

You observed him curiously. It definitely looked like he was seated right beside you, but his hands were raised like he was steering an invisible wheel. 

“You’re flying a ship?” You gasped as the realization set in. 

He glanced over and nodded. “You were clearly in danger earlier, so I’ve decided to join the search.” 

“So these little connections we have can just happen anywhere, huh? I’m never going to get rid of you.”

He sighed. “Where’s your _friend?”_

“He’s gone.”

“ _He?”_

“You’re ridiculous.” You groaned. 

He frowned and leaned forward to adjust his invisible dashboard. You realized he was putting his ship into autopilot. You rolled your eyes and reached for one of the last stale grain bars, tearing the wrapper open with your teeth before taking an aggressive bite.

He turned and observed you as you munched away.

“I bet you’re missing the meals I snuck you.” 

You didn’t have to look at him to see his smirk. You just sneered and kept chewing.

“Just tell me where you are. I’ll have all your favorites prepared and an assortment of Batuu-bons waiting for you when you get back.” 

“What? For me to enjoy in my cell?” You huffed.

He paused for a moment. “No…wherever you like.”

“I can’t be bribed with food.” You balled the finished wrapper up and chucked it into a bin.

“I have memories from the temple that contradict that statement.” He spoke softly.

You winced at the thought of the memories but chose not to respond. Instead, you crossed your arms over your chest as you stared out at the lush forest. You had absolutely no way off this moon, and the realization was finally setting in. Plus, you understood that two of the three Trandoshans were still probably alive, and they knew where your ship was. You were not looking forward to another fight. 

As your thoughts wandered, so did his. Unbeknownst to you, he’d been going through some texts trying to figure out why the two of you had been experiencing these random visual connections. He’d been able to narrow it down to something that sounded rather familiar – a discovery you’d both chosen to bury long ago. 

> _The two of you sat huddled on the stone floor of the temple library, flashlights in hand as you shuffled through book after book. You searched for hours cracking stupid jokes only to quickly hush each other when you’d think you’d hear footsteps. But the search continued on. You both were relentless. Two years had passed since he first arrived, and your friendship felt otherworldly. There had to be something to explain your bond - your connection._
> 
> _Although, part of him hoped you all wouldn’t be able to find anything. He had a desire for something to just finally be his to claim, rather than pre-destined. He wanted you to like him because you wanted to, not because the force had decided to play matchmaker. But in the end, he knew he’d be happy to know regardless. If your relationship was pre-destined, that meant you’d be the one thing that wouldn’t turn away from him... Right?_
> 
> _“Here!” His voice was shrill but he kept it low, glancing around quickly. “Read this.” He thrust the book at you, watching your expression anxiously as you read aloud and processed the words._
> 
> _“A Force dyad, also known as a dyad in the Force, was the pairing of two Force-sensitive beings, making them one in the Force. The power of a dyad was as strong as life itself, and the individuals who formed a dyad shared a connection that spanned across space and time.”_
> 
> _You lifted your gaze from the book to his, wide-eyed and smiling. He released the breath he had been holding. He didn’t know what he had been expecting but had somewhat prepared himself for rejection. The thought did occur to him that maybe you didn’t feel the same way. He smiled back goofily, scooting closer as you continued to read the text aloud._
> 
> _“A dyad in the Force connected their minds. Physically, they were two separate individuals, but in the force, they were one. This form of a connection made it possible for the bonded individuals to communicate with and see each other across great distances. These connections are now considered rare as dyads have not been seen for generations.”_
> 
> _You suddenly shoved the book back in his hands and jumped up. “We’re a freaking dyad dude.” You whispered harshly. He laughed loudly, quickly covering his mouth, but beamed up at you nonetheless. You started pacing, a giddiness taking over all your nerves. “This is insane. I knew we were close, but this means…this means we’re like the same person. This is so cool.” You danced around._
> 
> _Ben had crossed his legs and continued reading the passage as you celebrated as quietly as possible. He wore a shy grin as his eyes glanced over the page some more, but the grin dropped quickly and so did his heart. He stilled, suddenly getting the instinct to fling the book as far away from him as possible._
> 
> _“What?” You stopped bouncing, immediately sensing his discomfort within your lungs. He didn’t answer immediately and the weight in your chest grew. “Ben, I need you to breathe. I can feel that you’re not breathing.” You rasped desperately and rushed to sit back down beside him._
> 
> _He swallowed and glanced at you then took a deep breath, calming himself as he watched his reflection in the pupils of your now over-dilated eyes._
> 
> _“Look.” He thrust the book back into your hands and pointed at a small section at the bottom of the page. You swallowed after he did, regaining your ability to breath and steadied your trembling hands as you read again, silently this time._
> 
> _“Dyads, however, are now considered to be a mutation in the force. It is believed that in time when the next one occurs, it will bind a light-sided force user to a dark-sided force user and be manipulated by those of the dark side of the force.”_
> 
> _A cold feeling crept through you and you glanced sideways at Ben who had pulled his knees to his chest. You shook your head roughly, closing the book and dropped it on the floor._
> 
> _“Then we’re not one. That’s fine.” You pushed yourself up and stood, reaching a hand out to him. He glanced up without taking it._
> 
> _“Ben…come on. It’s fine. We’re just really close friends. There’s no way we could be the dyad. We’re both on the light side. Don’t worry.” You tried your best to assure him. He nodded solemnly, finally taking your hand._
> 
> _The two of you put away all the books without speaking a word before walking back towards the huts._
> 
> _“It would’ve been cool though.” You quipped once the silence became too unbearable._
> 
> _He nodded silently, wringing his hands. He suddenly could feel a familiar and cold piercing sensation at the back of his skull. He knew he had been overdue for another visit._
> 
> _“You see. It is true.” The harsh whisper clouded his mind. He hated that damn voice but had yet to figure out who it came from or how to rid himself of its haunting presence. He stopped walking abruptly and so did you._
> 
> _“What’s wrong?” You whispered._
> 
> _His lip quivered. He hadn’t told you about the voice yet. He had wanted to for so long but feared what would happen. The voice had threatened him about sharing their secret before._
> 
> _“Nothing. Goodnight.” He forced a smile and spun in the direction of his hut. You frowned and rubbed your arms in the sudden chill of the night before turning and continuing towards your own._
> 
> _As he walked, he could hear the voice snicker. “You cannot evade your destiny. The girl can still be yours. If you truly are the dyad, her light can be snuffed and she will join you in the dark.”_
> 
> _“I’m not in the dark. I’m light too.” He snarled back, swinging his door open._
> 
> _“Oh…young Solo, you are already in the shadows, drifting farther. If only you’d anchor yourself in the power of the dark side, you wouldn’t slip away.”_
> 
> _He groaned covering his ears with his palms roughly, taking deep breaths as he laid down on his cot. The voice snickered once more and then vanished, taking the piercing sensation along with it._
> 
> _He sighed heavily, his eyes red-rimmed as he crossed his hands over his chest, in an attempt to feel warm, to feel held. He shut his eyes tightly, willing himself to go to sleep, although he knew more nightmares awaited him in his slumber._

“Do you think it’s possible that we actually are the dyad?” He spoke finally, adjusting his hands in his lap as the memory faded. He tried to sound disinterested - just curious.

You scoffed softly, glancing at him. “I mean…after all this, the way we keep getting dragged back to each other…I’d like to think it’s for some higher purpose and not just the universe taunting me.”

He sniffled and swallowed. “Is it a bad thing? To keep…getting dragged back together?”

You couldn’t help but snort as you shifted in your seat. “It hasn’t necessarily been a _good_ thing for me. Sorry if I’m not enjoying this as much as you.”

“I’m not enjoying it.” He snapped too quickly for it to be all true. You peaked at him slightly before settling back into the seat.

Some time passed, and he shifted again. “I think it’s true. I think we are the dyad because I have always felt you - even before we met.”

“Me too.”

His seat swiveled quickly, and you couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Calm down.”

“What do you mean?” He demanded.

“I don’t remember much from before my parents brought me to the temple, but I do recall feeling another presence sometimes, and it continued through the years - usually when I was angry, frustrated, or sad. It would be there, fluttering gently in me, or I’d hear a voice, or see images of a boy in my mind when he was upset as well. I could never really memorize what he looked like though, or what he sounded like, but I always remembered his eyes.” You pulled at the fabric on your pants aimlessly, all too aware of how hard he was staring at you.

You continued with a sigh. “It was you. That first day you arrived, I recognized those eyes immediately. So sad, so lonely, and scared. Looking into them was like looking into a mirror, and…and oddly enough…I felt safe.” You sniffled, now pulling at your sleeves. “Like…I was validated for the first time in my life. You looked at me with recognition. And when we touched, that shock…I think that’s what did it.”

“Did what?” He moved closer as his voice dropped.

“Solidified our tie. We became inseparable. We knew what the other was thinking and how to calm each other. It was like you suddenly took up space in my mind, but it didn’t feel crowded or invasive. It just felt right.” You paused as you took a shaky breath, trying not to start crying. “I had never felt more protected, more secure…more loved.”

“You were loved.” He blurted. His voice was pleading as he suddenly reached for your hand. His grip was desperate, and you could feel the blood rushing through you with excitement, anxiety, dread?

_No, no, no. Don’t do this._

“You _are_ loved.” He spoke more forcefully, gripping you tighter. “Not a day has gone by since _that_ night that I haven’t thought of you.”

You winced. The confirmation brought no joy, only more blinding pain. It would be so much easier if he just hated you like you'd convinced yourself for all those years. It’s what made the most sense – what made it easier to betray your own feelings that continued to long for him even after everything he’d done. 

“Then why’d you do it?” You whispered, a single tear landing in your lap as you still refused to look at him. “That night, our bond became obsolete…I could not reach you.”

His grip had become clammy. 

“You just threw me away. You pushed me out. And for what?”

You finally turned to look at him. The fact that you knew he wasn’t physically there gave you a sudden boost in confidence. 

“For what, _Kylo_?” 

“I…” his voice caught in his throat and he let out a shaky breath, letting your hand fall back into your lap.

“You what? Why’d you do it?” You snapped.

He began stammering. “I- I blacked out.” His eyes widened in terror as if the memories were coming back to him in real-time. “Snoke… he made the explosion, and then…then I blacked out. I just woke back up with flames and burning bodies around me…and _you_ in my arms…gone. I don’t remember why or how…I-”

Your true anger finally boiled over. What a privilege it was for him to not remember that night – a night that had left you scarred, emotionally and physically.

“Well, I remember it all. I remember the sweat, the thick smoke, the smell…the pain. And what I remember most, is the look in your eyes. You didn’t care, and now you’re trying to act as if you do, but when it mattered most You. Did. Not. Care!” You hissed. 

He dropped his head, his shame and regret flooding through your senses. But you could not make yourself feel bad for him at the moment. He had been the one to commit the betrayal, but you’d been the one to live it.

“And…and what’s worse!” You were growing hysterical as your voice raised. “I-Is that you commit similar atrocities daily for a man who you know killed the others. A man who would have killed me regardless if you hadn’t _blanked_ and done it yourself _.”_

You stood from the seat suddenly and stormed back to the refresher, slamming the door. You prayed the connection would close off at some point before you re-emerged.

* * *

The time in the refresher was spent crying hard tears you’d been suppressing for six years. It all just came out because you’d finally been able to say everything you’d been feeling. When you emerged, you were exhausted but also happy to see that he was gone and not able to witness how wrecked you were.

You eased yourself back down on the floor into a ball of defeat. You weren’t going anywhere anytime soon. You’d accepted that you were probably going to die on the moon – whether from starvation or another attack. Sleep seemed to be the best option to escape your reality, so you settled in for another nap.

When you woke again, you felt fingers rubbing soothing circles into your scalp as they tangled in your hair. You kept your breathing steady, peeking forward to see outstretched legs covered in familiar black pants and boots. He had gotten on the floor with you and placed your head in his lap

 _Another force connection?_ _Gods._

He was the last person you wanted to see right now, but it didn’t stop the warmth that spread through you as his thumb moved to stroke your temple. You held back a sob, desperately wanted to lean into his touch so badly, but you hesitated.

You shifted slightly to alert him that you were awake, and he immediately pulled back, making room for you as you slowly pushed up to face him.

Then he shifted closer, eyeing you for approval as he did so. When you gave him a small nod, he took your hands tentatively in his large ones, rubbing his thumbs slowly across the inside of your palms. He brought his gaze back up to you, and you finally noticed how red-rimmed and puffy his eyes were. 

Silence hung in the air for a moment, as neither of you knew where to begin after that huge blowout. You both just stared at each other for a long time, allowing yourselves to recognize and fully accept your other half for what it had become. Then he spoke.

“Tell me what happened that night.” He demanded gently. “Tell me everything…I need to remember, so I can make this right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is that proper communication I sense? Thank the Maker!
> 
> Also, a loving nod to Kuiil, since the Mandalorian Season 2 trailer dropped this week!


	10. A New Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But still, there was a dull alarm blaring in the back of your mind, trying to warn you of how twisted this all sounded, trying to alert you to the dangerous territory you were slowly walking into.

And so you did - starting hesitantly at first as you figured out how to maneuver around some of the more triggering details, but you forced yourself to recount them all. And he never cut you off or broke eye contact - only ever stirring to squeeze your hands whenever your voice would start to falter. He took it all in without complaint or rebuke, simply listening as you told him the story from start to finish.

Waking up, smelling the smoke, feeling the burn in your eyes, exiting the hut to find the destruction...and then stumbling into him. As you came to this part, you paused when you felt him tense, but he kept a straight face, swallowed slowly, and nodded for you to go on.

As you spoke of the other padawans who had been scattered around the scene, his confession that Snoke had been the one to cause the explosion made all the more sense. Because not a single one of them had saber wounds in your memory. All of them had been either thrown in awkward heaps or set ablaze by the flames fleeing the temple. You took a shaky breath, still greatly mourning their deaths, but letting yourself find a bit of peace in the fact that he hadn't been the one to slay them.

But what he had done was engage you in a long and tiresome dual - both of you tripping over debris and bodies as you fought, your sabers clashing and casting bright lights across your faces as you pressed into each other with a ferocity that dwarfed the gentleness that had characterized all previous encounters. Even though he hadn't seemed like himself in the moment, it had still been terrifying to see that the hate in his eyes was directed toward you, and you'd been left with no other option but to match his wrath. It was the hardest you'd ever fought - the only time you'd ever felt truly on the offense...and you'd almost won.

But in the final moments as he laid before you, gasping for air after a strike up his chest and another across his face, you'd fallen to your knees and hesitated to finish what you'd started, suddenly waking from your own haze of anger, and wanting nothing more than to get through to him.

And it had cost you. Because in your weakness, he seemed to regain his strength, and he'd run his saber through you before you could even reach to cradle his face in your hands.

That was the last thing you could remember before hearing Luke's voice as you slowly regained consciousness.

Kylo leaned away from you as the story came to a close - his eyes twitching. He seemed to be processing it slowly, and you tensed a bit for fear that he would lash out again, or worse, give you no response at all.

He closed his eyes and took a slow breath.

"Please...say something."

"I...I don't even know where to begin. I can't remember any of it, but I can feel in my bones that I did those things." He furrowed his brow and shut his eyes tighter. "How could I...how..."

You tried to crawl closer, but he suddenly pushed away on the floor, and you recoiled – feeling a sting of rejection you couldn't even understand. Even after everything you'd just described, you were craving his gentle touch – the only thing that would pacify all the revisited trauma.

He inhaled and slowly exhaled again. Then, he finally opened his eyes, but only to stare at you with a vacant expression – his fists suddenly balling at his side.

Tears started pouring out of your eyes. "Please...don't pull away from now. After everything...after all the pain....you're still the only thing that makes sense. I just don't want to be angry anymore. Please...just hold me."

The cold demeanor that you'd worked so hard to fortify suddenly ruptured and all the longing you'd been suppressing came flooding out. You were sobbing and gasping for air now as you trembled and clutched your fingers around the closest thing you could reach of him - the thick black fabric of his cape.

"I..." His lips quivered slightly, and he seemed to look past you as he spoke. "How could I do that? How could I have ever thought to do that to you?"

He shivered slightly as his gaze settled back squarely on you. And at that moment, you didn't care to know. You just wanted all the pain of harboring the pint up emotions to go away. You just wanted to forgive him.

"I-I don't know, but I don't want to fight you anymore. Fighting you has been like fighting myself, and I'm exhausted." You sniffled and reached for him again.

He regarded you with that same cold expression for a moment, but then his eyes softened, and he pushed himself slowly back to you. His moves were hesitant at first, as though he didn't trust himself not to blackout and attack you again.

Finally, his hands found yours, and he was pulling you into his lap - trapping you in the fiercest embrace. "I'm so, so, so very sorry. My Gods, what have I done?" He groaned into your hair.

"I can't..." His voice fully cracked, and he started to sob violently, burying his face into the crook of your neck as his embrace grew more intense and he shook uncontrollably.

"I can't believe that I lifted my saber against you, t-that I l-left you to die." His words came out through hiccups.

Something warm expanded in your chest, and you pulled back to look at him.

"But I lived." You laughed through your tears and reached to cup his face, but he gripped your wrists to keep you at bay.

You swallowed but continued. "Don't you see? I'm here. We get a second chance. _You_ get a second chance. You can still be-"

"It's too late!" He growled and pushed you away as he got to his feet. He glared down at the floor as he aggressively wiped the tears from his eyes.

"You have no idea the things I've done since then – sick things I did for power. I've already done so much damage beyond that. I'll never be the man I was before that night...ever again." He hissed.

He pointed a stern finger and stared down at you with a crazed expression. "So, don't you dare ask me to forgive myself! That my soul can be saved. It is too late for me!"

"I-"

"I should be focusing only on earning your forgiveness. You're the one thing that I can atone for. Yes....I can do that for you and you only." He murmured to himself as he began to pace. "All the others that I've harmed...they'd never forgi-...I can't bring them back. I can't take back everything I've done." His voice trailed off slightly.

"Listen to me- "

"No...you listen to me." He snapped, turning his attention back to you. "I am going to make this right, and the only way I can do that is by giving you the life you deserve, the one your parents could never give you...t-that not even Luke could give you – a life of security and purpose. Do you understand me? That's how I'll fix this...I will give you everything."

Your chest was now contracting with something cold as you began to understand his intent.

You spoke softly. "Ben...I."

He grimaced and balled his fists before taking a deep breath and crouched down before you.

"Ben Solo is dead." He spoke slowly. "My powers may have come with a huge sacrifice and they may be wicked to most, but I am stronger now than that _boy_ could ever be. He was weak and scared and so easily manipulated. Why can't you see that? Why do you still crave him? He could never protect you as I can now."

Your eyes widened and you spoke in a shrill voice. "But you're the same person. Don't you under-"

But he was too far gone in his rant, cutting you off as he stood back up. "And I'll start by avenging you."

You blinked.

He started grinning giddily. It was clear in his expression that so many sick possibilities were churning in his head. His eyes darkened as he seemed to settle on one, and he stopped pacing to look directly at you.

He spoke in a low, fierce whisper. "I'll kill Snoke - the one who clouded my judgment that night – the one who made me this way."

Your mouth gaped. "How?"

He glanced around at nothing as he stammered, "I...I'll make him believe I'm still loyal to him, that I've broken you and that you've accepted your place as my apprentice, but when he finally comes back to the Finalizer...I-I'll..."

"I don't think-"

He cut you off again. "Don't you see? When he's gone, everything will be clearer. We can assume power and restructure the First Order from within. We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy." He grinned madly like he'd discovered the secret to life.

You shook your head trying to slow him down. "What if we just disbanded the First Order? Why still rely on such a violent regime to hold power?"

But he was hearing none of it. "No. The resources are too great to waste. Besides, the war will cease immediately. All systems will bow to us. Don't you see? Our influence as a dyad will be a weapon unmatched. You'll be adored, and I'll be feared, but in every stretch of the galaxy, we will be seen as a single unit - an unstoppable force. And peace will prevail."

None of this sounded realistic, but he was on a roll. 

He reached down to cup your cheek as you gawked back at him, whispering your name before he continued.

"The dark side is just the vehicle by which I must chase this destiny. The light will never embrace me again." He grimaced.

"But it's never left you...light is embedded in you. I will not make you turn, and I was a fool to try. There's no need for that now, and I don't want you that way." He swallowed, stroking at the dried tears under your eyes. "We can...we can actually work towards a future where both sides project their energies toward the same goal- _you and me,_ coupling our abilities and insights. We can finally explore the force the way we always talked about."

He paused to search your face for understanding, but you were frozen – paralyzed by the concept. The responsibility of it all sounded terrifying, and you didn't want to rule...anyone. You'd never seen yourself as a savior or symbol of hope. But you did want to see an end to the onslaught of violence that had plagued the galaxy, and he sounded so convinced that this was the way. He'd never seemed so sure. You gulped.

But still, there was a dull alarm blaring in the back of your mind, trying to warn you of how twisted this all sounded, trying to alert you to the dangerous territory you were slowly walking into. There were so many protests that you had, but he quickly suppressed them all as he beamed at you with such a bright and beautiful smile – one that promised salvation from all the restless nights you'd spent trying to discover your purpose alone.

He whispered his next words.

"We are what the galaxy needs - two halves of the same energy. Together, we are the only truth - the embodiment of the force at its full capacity – darkness rising, and light there to meet it – a glorious balance...Can't you feel it?"

You definitely felt something – even a million parsecs away from him.

"Come back to me." He swallowed again and pulled away from your cheek to grip both of your hands franticly. He was literally begging at this point. "Join me..."

Your eyes widened as the prospect etched itself into vivid imagery in your mind. You could see it, smell it, taste it - practically touch it. This future he was talking about – where the powers of the force could be explored to their fullest, by two individuals who complemented each other in the most divine way – where you could find meaning. And...you wanted that. Because all you ever truly wanted was to belong with him.

"...Please."

Your chest expanded again with a cracking bolt of heat, and you took a shaky breath. 

"Yes."

He blinked. "...What are you saying?"

"Yes, I will join you." You gasped – equally surprised by how the words slipped past your lips with such assurance.

He pulled you to your feet, and his eyes immediately darted back and forth across your face, searching for untruth in your declaration. He seemed so desperate to believe you, and you were the same - desperate to believe that you could actually have him back in some way.

His lips trembled slightly as he finally settled his gaze. "I'm going to make this all up to you. I swear."

He started to pull you in for another embrace, but a beeping sound came from your dash panel, alerting you both that the heating system was officially blown on the ship. The hum of the unit waned out almost immediately – like a final note following that crescendo of a conversation.

You sighed, but couldn't help but giggle a bit, wiping away at some of your undried tears. "I should probably tell you where I am now, shouldn't I?"

"Gods, please." He gave your hands a soft squeeze.

You pulled away gently and headed to pull up the coordinates. He moved to hover behind you, grazing your waist with his fingers as he peered over your shoulder - forgetting he wouldn't be able to see what you saw. He was just so eager to be near you, and you were just as impatient. You read off the coordinates quickly.

"The Japrael System. I knew it." He hummed. "You must've run out of fuel before you could reach Onderon. I figured you'd go there. My knights are already close by. I'll alert them."

You rolled your eyes and nudged him slightly with your elbow. "You're such a creep. How did you remember my obsession with Onderon?"

"I remembered everything about you."

You blushed and steadied your hands on the dashboard before turning back to face him. The gravity of the situation was pulling at your every limb now, threatening to crush you under the weight of the responsibility you'd just assumed. But you tried to anchor yourself – gazing into the bottomless pools of his golden-brown eyes.

You were allowing yourself to trust him again, fully. And not just to do right by you, but to do right by the galaxy...and to do right by himself.

Your voice was just above a whisper. "I'm scared, Kylo."

"Don't be."

"What if this doesn't go the way we think it will? What if Snoke - "

He pulled you into his chest, silencing you before you could vocalize your deepest fear. He was holding you so tightly that it felt like you were going to morph into one being.

"We'll win. Together...we're unbeatable." He whispered.

You gripped him back – clawing at the fabric of his cape, for fear the force bond would suddenly end. You wanted to physically be near him already - to finally give in to the crashing waves of his signature and helplessly sink to whatever trenches awaited you.

* * *

Kylo paced the hangar of the Finalizer restlessly, just missing a mouse droid as he made a swift turn. It got caught in his cape, and he sighed in agitation as he aggressively yanked at the fabric to let it loose. Finally, it detached but ended up tilting over on its side. He balled his fists and gave it a soft nudge with his foot until it was upright. It beeped its thanks and skittishly zoomed away. He sighed again.

_What's taking so damn long?_

He knew his presence was creating unease. Engineers and troopers scurried around him as they worked –fearful. He could sense it all, the terror seeping through their pores. He wasn't known for mingling with lower-level staff, so he could understand why they were so tense. He was even donning his full armor – mask included, so they couldn't tell just how frazzled he was underneath it all. He imagined he looked like some big hulking black mass, awaiting error.

He glared at them all beneath his mask, registering their irritating thoughts.

_"Has the Commander come to make inspections? Will he be throwing those who fail out of the hangar?"_

_No, I'm just waiting for the love of my life to get her ass back here._

And he was losing patience. He made another swift turn as he grumbled underneath his breath.

"S-Sir...is there something you require?" His top division leader approached apprehensively.

_Ah, what the hell. Might as well engage to pass the time._

"How are the new quarters I requested coming along?"

"All the furniture has been moved in, Sir. The items in the new wardrobe are being pressed as we speak, and they will be delivered shortly as well."

He nodded, and the trooper remained - expecting further conversation.

"..."

"..."

_Okay, that's enough engagement._

"You're dismissed."

"Yes, sir."

The blur of white armor hurried out of his sight right as he felt a trimmer in his hands. He curled his fingers in his gloves and turned back to the door of the hangar. There, he saw that a familiar ship had just exited lightspeed and was slowly easing its way toward the hangar.

He swallowed and moved forward, his anxiety clawing at his throat. The thought crossed his mind to just force pull the damn ship in to speed up your arrival, but then he realized that mixing the force with the gravitational pull of the hangar might crush the ship...and then, well that would have defeated the whole purpose of finally getting you back.

_And that would be my fucking luck._

So he calmed himself down by clasping his hands behind his back and bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet until the ship finally settled on the platform.

He'd wanted to be the one to pick you up, but he'd realized halfway through his impulsive search that the Silencer didn't have any room for you. And although he would've happily made space available on his lap for you to settle, he figured things were still too fresh, so he'd swallowed down his primal instincts and let his knights do the honors. Their vessel was far more equipped for your comfort.

The six men exited first, splitting up evenly on opposite sides of the ramp as a figure hovered at the top, just out of his clear line of sight.

_Come on, woman!_

He started feeling claustrophobic in his mask, so he took a couple of deep breaths. Slowly, you began to move forward as if you were aware he would combust if you didn't.

As you made your way down the ramp, his eyes went to your wrists first. He had given them strict instructions not to cuff you...unless necessary. 

That dark impulse of possessiveness that would not leave him and that he did not necessarily wish to rid himself of, still nestled within him. 

It hadn't fully processed that you'd willingly returned, that you _wanted_ to be with him. He was half expecting you to renege and spit all your words of vulnerability back in his face. He was elated, however, to see that you were unrestrained, which meant you hadn't given them any trouble.

You had really chosen him.

His eyes then went to your face – your gorgeous face with your perfect features, looking around frantic and wide-eyed searching for him. He started to move but froze – just needing a moment to take you in. He had always found you most beautiful when you were unaware he was watching. Then your eyes slid to him and he balled his fists to pull himself out of the state of paralysis. He could see in your eyes that you were still unsure about all the details of the plan, but you offered a small smile and wave, and he was happy just knowing he was no longer the cause of your unease.

He began marching forward swiftly, trying his hardest not to appear too eager, but he was sure his body language alone was giving it away.

_Get it under control._

He stopped before you abruptly, gazing down through his visor with his hands clasped behind his back, trying to feign indifference. But he knew you could sense his desperation as he watched you try and stifle a giggle - the metal clattering of ships being repaired in the background only adding humor to the tense stare off. 

"I'll take it from here." He finally spoke, addressing the knights without taking his eyes off of you.

They quickly dispersed, and he watched you bite your lip and look down at your feet, so anxious just as well. He swallowed and extended his hand for you to take, remaining silent.

When your delicate fingers clasped onto his leather gloves, he led you forward toward a lift and ushered you in. He followed closely behind and wordlessly selected a floor number. But as soon as the door closed he lost all decorum - grappling to take off his mask, so desperate to see you properly without the hindrance of the red tint of the visor.

You watched him wide-eyed, as he tore it off, and dropped it to the floor with a loud clank. He stared at you for a moment, eyes darting around your face as he allowed himself to process that you were really here – no longer just some projection from across the galaxy.

Without thinking, he reached out and pulled you forward, moving one hand to cradle your head against his chest and the other to keep you flush against him. Gods it even felt different holding you like this. You'd spent enough time tangled in each other's embrace during the final force connection, but now...now you felt more solid.

You let out a soft gasp but didn't pull away. He felt your arms slowly raise and hold him back, looser than he was holding you, but still with a similar eagerness as he felt the soft massage of your hands up and down his back.

"Don't" he started in a fierce tone, but quickly switched to a gentle harsh whisper. "Don't ever run away like that again...please. I promise, you have nothing to fear here anymore. You'll never be a prisoner again."

As he massaged his gloved hand into your hair, he felt you nod against him, and he took a shaky breath, not yet ready to let you go, but fully aware that he was probably unnerving you with his brash affection.

This was him " _restraining"_ himself.

What he wanted was to allow his hands to wander your gorgeous frame. What he needed was to pin you against the wall and kiss you passionately – slow and sensual at first but then more frantic and demanding, as six year's worth of longing finally reached its peak. He thought of stopping the lift and sinking to the floor with you in his arms – tearing off his restricting layers and making you his forever - in body, no longer just in mind and soul. Vivid, lewd images had plagued his mind since the night he caught you trying to escape on the way to Ahch-To – always exciting him at the most inappropriate times.

But he kept it all reined in - accepting that you might not be there yet – that you might need time. In his awareness, he'd made arrangements that would give you the necessary space to acclimate to the new environment – to truly get used to him again. He knew he was asking a lot of you, so he understood the need to process.

He would need some distance as well in order to keep up his illusion of detachment. If he was going to successfully plot against Snoke, he needed to be focused and undetectable, and he knew there were spies within the very walls of this ship who were tasked with monitoring his commitment. He had to sell the idea that you'd accepted your role as his apprentice, and that you were nothing more to him.

He released you slowly, and took a step back, searching your face as reality aired out his senses. You both were still in so much danger, but he wanted to enjoy this moment for what it was – your official reunion. You were no longer at odds.

He swallowed again and bent to pick his mask back off the floor. The lift stopped then, and he slid the mask back on right as the doors opened.

A set of troopers stood waiting at attention, and he gestured for you to step off before him. As you exited the lift hesitantly, they saluted you, and you paused, clearly confused by the sign of respect. He moved out as well, stepping to your side and glanced down at you before addressing the troopers.

"Escort the new Commander in training to her quarters."

"Yes, sir."

Your eyes widened and you turned to him, your mouth gaping. He couldn't tell if it was excitement or bewilderment, but he did know that he liked the look of shock on your face, and he vowed then that he would give you plenty more reasons to gaze up (...or down) at him with similar expressions in the future. He smiled warmly beneath his mask before backing away.

"Wha-" You started, but the troopers spoke in unison before you could get it out.

"Right this way, Commander."

You swallowed, turning back to face them - still in total shock, but gave a small nod. You glanced back at him one more time in disbelief before turning to follow your escorts.

Kylo backed away in the opposite direction, watching the entire time until you disappeared around a corner. As he turned to go, his mind wandered to all the things he could do to you in the privacy of his own quarters - when the new order was set and the only one he had to bow to was you.

And he'd do so happily. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get yourself a man who'll overthrow his oppressive master just to establish his own oppressive rule with you by his side. Ughh...A KING! JK lol
> 
> Hmmm...so not quite the direction we thought the conversation would go in. I don't know you guys...how is this going to play out?


	11. Tainted

  
You kept your eyes downcast, trained directly on the inky black floor of the bridge as you made your way across. Your heavy hood did well to help you duck further from the curious eyes that always seemed to find you – whether roaming the halls or tucked in the back corner of a briefing. They were always watching – always searching. Seeking confirmation that you were truly a valiant leader, dedicated to the cause as much as they.

The secret you harbored weighed heavier on your chest with each glance.

Around you, radar signals hummed, panel controls lit up alerting to new cargo arrivals, and officers and pilots stood chattering in small huddles. The busy sounds morphed into a chorus, creating an aggressive buzz like a million swarming bees - reminding you that in some way you’d been crowned the queen of this bleak and barren hive of a ship.

And you were a feared queen at that. Your subordinates were skittish around you, even as their eyes wandered in skepticism.

You were unaware of what reputation proceeded you, but you were sure it had something to do with your proximity to Kylo. You’d done nothing but shadow him for the last two weeks – always wordlessly assuming your position beside him wherever he so wished to go.

The respect granted seemed unfounded, and quite frankly...it was unwanted.

Now, even alone, officers and pilots turned and eagerly saluted you as you breezed past each station. Then they quickly return to their work - resuming casual conversations of genocide.

You tugged the cloth forward further past your brow and sped up your pace, your heeled boots clicking deceptively loud on the surface as you tried your best to just blend in. But even if you could be quieter, you knew eyes would still find you. Your new wardrobe had become quite a sight to see - even in its limited shades of charcoal grays and blacks.

You studied your reflection in the shiny surface of the floor as you brisked.

You weren’t wearing one of your long trained cloaks, which sleeves typically fell off your shoulders, or one of the silk capes that flowed around you, caressing the skin of your calves as you marched. You’d even rejected one of your precisely tailored pants suits.

No, today you’d forgone the more formal look – already growing tired of the rigid uniformity of the First Order – although Kylo liked to remind you whenever he could that you wore the look of authority well.

Now instead, you wore a hooded caped coat that rested atop your shoulders and hung loosely around you – swaying as you walked. A First Order insignia was stitched in red atop the left side, contrasting with the night-black material. Buttons of similar shade lined the front and remained open to showcase the sleek corset dress you wore beneath.

The dress was short, sleeveless, and constructed with soft, obsidian shaded leather. The material tugged tightly around your waist with minimum detailing, and fit snug on your hips.

Your exposed arms were lined with goosebumps - your skin reacting to the icy chill of space the closer you got to the edge of the bridge. You found some relief from the chill with the leather-gloved gauntlets that came up to your elbows. Your heeled boots also did well to shield you from the cold - made with a similar breathable leather as the dress and gloves. They came up to your thighs, stopping just a few inches below where the dress ended.

It was a little showy, but it suited your style more so than the sweeping cloaks. You always felt swallowed by those even in their elegant design. But now even as your outfit gave you more breathing room, the rooms aura seemed to materialize and snake its way around your throat.

You lifted your shoulders, bumping the hood of the coat further past your brow, and slowed as you neared the one who’d summoned you.

The view expanded before you - the large panel windows each adding to the puzzle, piece by piece. The ship was suspended at a slightly tilted angle – offering a glorious view of the new Starkiller base in its final days of construction. It was to be fully launched and tested within the next few weeks.

It looked desolate – hallowed out at the core and rebuilt in the image of a purely industrial base – the beauty of the mystic ice planet slowly being chipped away at by the dusty and uninspired decor of militarized weaponry.

You finally settled beside the caped man who had been standing with his back to you the entire time – unmoving and stoic. 

Just the two of you stood isolated at the end – the hum of the swarming bees slowly fading out.

Unease nipped at your fingers and your toes as you gazed upon the ticking time bomb of a planet down below. You’d set in the background of enough meetings over the last few days to know what its intended use was for, and it only made you long more for the days when the war was over. You prayed the weapon would be of no use once…well once the plan was executed.

You crossed your arms behind your back and cleared your throat.

“Commander Ren.”

“Commander.”

His response was immediate and un-emotive, and he made no effort to turn to you. The modulation of his mask was unnerving as ever.

 _Just keeping up appearances._ You had to keep reminding yourself.

And the last few weeks had been just that. Training yourselves not to engage in the longing stares you often shared across meeting tables. Avoiding proximity in passing in the halls. Maintaining curt professional tones as to not raise suspicion. Stealing small moments to lace your fingers when no one was looking.

Sprinkling sweet coded compliments into otherwise mundane conversations about squadron progress when others hovered nearby. Attempting to fully converse in private through the force connection once you were in the safety of your separate quarters. But it had seemed the force only liked connecting you when you were millions of parsecs away from each other. It was funny that way you were beginning to see.

All of this to suppress the true nature of your bond and how extensive the pull of it had become. All of this to not alert Snoke in his far off cave.

He hadn’t returned yet but had sent word that he was most pleased with your “progress”. Your skin had peppered up in feverish rashes at the sound of his voice on the holo recording - desperate to see his end and finally be with Kylo without the accusation of watchful eyes.

It had been pure hell – to be so close to him and as sure of your connection as ever, yet unable to express a single semblance of the affection that you bore just for him – the adoration that sat deep in the pits of your stomach and ached in the most satisfying way when you got even just a whiff of his cologne as he breezed by. A love that could never be fully equated or expressed because it was simply beyond the limits of every emotion known to man.

Seeming to sense your distress, Kylo slowly inched closer, sidestepping until his cape shielded you from behind, just enough to hide his fingers as they curled possessively around yours. His thumb immediately moving to stroke your knuckles through the leather fabric.

_Not much longer._

You could hear his voice clear as day as his message reverberated in your mind. You gave his hand a soft squeeze in response.

“Commanders!” A patrolling trooper breezed by and saluted you both, and you quickly let go of each other, feeling the warmth flee.

You moved back over a few inches to settle yourself before continuing the conversation as if nothing happened.

“You requested to speak with me, sir.”

“Yes.” He turned his body to face you completely. “I think it’s time we revisit your training.”

It was long past due. Your itineraries over the last two weeks had been filled with nothing but shadowing him in meetings and studying protocol – a schedule for acclimation, but you were growing restless.

You hadn’t set foot back in a training facility, but you wanted desperately to sharpen your skills. You didn’t care what he said. When the time came to end Snoke, you wanted to be by his side and prepared.

“I think that’s an excellent idea, sir.”

“We’ll start later this evening.”

Your eyes lit up with restrained excitement at the the prospect of getting some time alone with him.

“Yes, sir.”

You couldn’t see his face, but he paused for a moment and leaned in, cocking his head as he fully took in your outfit. You didn’t need to see his eyes to feel them as they wandered. The way he’d stiffened was enough for you to know he liked what he saw.

“Take off your hood. Let me see you better.” He demanded gently.

You lifted your arms and removed it, shaking your hair loose and awaited his inspection.

He was quiet for a moment - his mask hiding his reaction, but his silence spoke abundantly.

He offered a simple compliment anyways. “You look stunning…as always.”

Your eyes swept over him in all his glorious layers of black, wanting to pay him a compliment as well, but he spoke before you could.

“I sensed…your unease as you neared. You’re still not comfortable in your new role.” He observed nonchalantly, but the lift in his tone betrayed his genuine concern.

“I-” You shut your eyes tightly and took a shuddering breath. “I just worry about how this will play out…I worry about you.” You admitted lowly.

He turned away from you and resumed watching the base construction, clasping his hands behind his back again.

“I told you…there is nothing to be afraid of. I don’t want you hiding behind your hood and shying away from what you're owed.”

He paused.

“It’s just a matter of time until Snoke is handled.”

You squirmed slightly and watched a cargo ship land on the weapon below – ready for unloading.

He still hadn’t given you the full details of his _plan_ to kill Snoke, but speaking of the haggard bastard…

“When the Supreme Leader is gone…we’ll have no use for such a weapon, right?” 

He was quiet for a moment. “Ideally.”

You turned slightly. That wasn’t the answer you wanted, but it would have to do for now as Mitaka was approaching quickly.

Out of all of the upper-level officers, Mitaka seemed the least corrupted – seeming to carry out his duties simply because he was instructed rather than for glory. He was fidgety around you like most of the others but seemed harmless enough.

“Commanders.” He greeted with a slight bow.

You stopped yourself from doing the same – still not fully comfortable in your role of authority.

“We’ve just received word that resistance fighters were spotted on Takodana. We are preparing to send squadrons in the next few days with your command.” He spoke efficiently.

Your heart rate sped up. You hadn’t seen battle yet. Things had been rather slow since your return. And the idea of leading troopers to their deaths or encouraging them to deliver similar fates upon others, was something you still hadn't come to terms with.

Your worry seemed to lodge itself in your throat and the only way you could think to loosen it was to speak.

“Surely we shouldn’t waste our resources and time on a few pests.” You spoke level, sneering slightly to sell the act.

“Commander…Takodana is a heavy recruiting hub. We could snuff out most of their top fighters with this single strike.” Mitaka started apprehensively.

“Yes, but…”

“We’ll sit down and discuss which divisions to send later.” Kylo interjected, but you weren’t done.

“With all due respect, Commander I - ”

“You will do well to remember that your rank is still beneath me.” Kylo turned to you swiftly, cutting you off before you could continue with a stern point of his finger.

“You may have the title of Commander, but you are still under my training and supervision, so your opinion on this matter should be no more than an echo of my own.” He spoke harshly.

You bit down on your tongue hard and narrowed your eyes but ultimately dropped your head in mock submission. Mitaka shuffled anxiously.

“Yes, sir. My apologies.” You spoke softly.

He lowered his hand and turned his attention back to the frail man who’d gotten stranded in the crossfire. 

“You’re dismissed, Lieutenant.”

He gave you both quick nods then scurried away.

You stood in silence for some time, staring out at the view, watching cranes now piecing together the elevated structures of Starkiller Base.

Eventually, Kylo turned to leave but halted beside you – pressing his shoulder to yours as he spoke lowly.

“Never challenge me like that in the presence of someone else again.”

You made no attempt to respond, so he continued.

“Around these people, all you can afford to do is agree and sell your allegiance. You put yourself and the plan at risk by questioning my authority. We are at war right now, so we must play the part whether we like it or not. Do you understand?”

You nodded.

“Good. I’ll see you this evening, at 1900 sharp.”

His cape swept past you as he marched away, but his scent lingered – sweet and smoky, like leather and embers.

You remained and let out a soft sigh before placing your hood back over your head and clasped your hands behind your back - assuming the role of brooding Commander on duty.

* * *

He moved across the room at a quick pace, his cape dragging along the padded floor.

He’d brought you to a private training facility, one that was much smaller than the one where you’d witnessed his droid demolition, but it was fully equipped much the same. A large mirror made up an entire wall and several side rooms branched out with equipment and training droids. In the center was an elevated platform for dueling. 

As you followed behind him, you studied yourself in the mirror, tugging at the fabric of the training bodysuit you'd changed into.

You looked a lot healthier, you could not deny it. You’d practically gorged yourself on the food delivered to your quarters during the first couple of days. And then there was the sleep you’d been getting. Your massive bed swallowed you up each night, providing undisturbed rest. You hadn’t had a proper bed in years, so the new sleep was rejuvenating and nourishing. 

You turned your attention back to him as he stilled before a table against the back wall, watching his cape ripple slightly as he worked to adjust something in the case he’d been carrying. The black material fell from his shoulders in the most godly way.

It made sense though that he had embraced the cloaked and cape look. He’d always had more of a regal air about him. You’d been the spitfire – the unchained one. That was part of the draw to him. He was level, where you often were not. But at the same time, you were daring when he was far too reserved. Both dynamics served their purpose. 

You approached him at the table and peeked over, but he quickly shut the case, hiding its contents. You sucked your teeth and nudged him gently.

He couldn’t still be upset about earlier. Could he? Neither of you had a chance to discuss the little spat on the way over because of course the halls were busy with watchful eyes.

He turned his head just a little to look down at you –his mask still on and obscuring his expression. Now that you were alone, it seemed ridiculous for him to keep it on.

“Can you take that off, sir?” You nodded to the metal hindrance.

He chuckled slightly and leaned in closer.

“You don’t have to call me sir when it’s just us.”

You let out a soft breath, glad to see he was amiable.

“Okay…sir.” You cracked a smile. “But seriously, take it off.”

He cocked his head. “Why?”

You grumbled and reached for the damn thing yourself, placing your hands on the side and pressing the little buttons for release. He ducked down slightly and just let you have your way as you tugged it as gently as possible off of his face, watching his dark mane come into view and then finally his gorgeous face.

“That’s better.” You breathed slightly, gazing up at him and admiring once again the small red bruise that sat on the bump of his nose.

You reached to hold the side of his face as you used your thumb to massage the mark gently, soothing the skin. He closed his eyes for a moment and nuzzled into your touch - only opening them again once you pulled away.

It had been a minute since you’d seen those eyes so close and detailed after days of briefings and barely any time alone. Soft brown pupils that decorated his intense scowl - a stare that was tantalizingly dark in just the right ways. Even as a “Jedi” he’d always carried a ferocity in his gaze that could never be missed.

His eyes roamed you as well, revealing all of his suppressed urges. His shoulders rose rapidly, and a look of anguish flashed across his face before he spoke.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” He whispered. “I never want to speak to you that way, but you must understand how pertinent it is for you to follow my lead in this.”

You nodded and placed his mask on the table beside the case.

“I know, I know. I shouldn’t have spoken like that in front of Mitaka. But I guess I just haven’t wrapped my head around the...battles.” You whispered as your voice trailed off.

“A small price for the long-term peace we seek.” He sighed.

You dropped your gaze.

“I understand that this part is not easy for you, but I’ve had years to stomach the violence that is often necessary for the grand scheme. Let me lead the squadrons into battle, and you can work with prisoners – just talking and getting information.”

He spoke soothingly, tugging you closer by the fabric covering your stomach and rested a large hand atop your hip.

“No blood on your hands, okay?”

“No, just on my feet as I saunter around the beaten and tortured.” You mumbled.

He groaned and thrummed the table – tsking at you slightly.

“It’s just…can't we just go to Snoke and end this now?”

“He’d sense it. I have to catch him off guard.”

You pursed your lips. “What if we just take all the resistance fighters as prisoners and hold them for a while.”

Kylo shook his head. “It’s against protocol to take only prisoners. Hux would give us hell and send word out that could compromise everything.”

You were quiet for a moment, thinking. Your thoughts tripping over themselves with all the morals and values you’d been fed since you could remember.

“The Jedi never killed as an immediate means to an end, not even to deceive their opponents. Innocents’ lives were exterminated only as a last resort in the final hour.” You mused.

“We’re quite literally in the final hour.” He pointed out curtly.

“The Sith-”

“Fuck the Jedi and the Sith.” He hissed– his eyes suddenly blazing. “We’re neither. None of those bullshit codes apply to us anymore.”

You pressed your lips together. He was right.

He took his hand from your hip and gripped your wrists.

“And what we are facing right now doesn’t give a damn about our morals. Snoke is a parasite who has leeched off of me for years and will do the same to the galaxy until it's drained and dry."

You understood then that this was personal for him.

"If I must kill in order to strategically plan my plot against him, I will. That’s the clarity that the darkness has afforded me. I see the option most feasible – the one that provides the most immediate result." 

He squeezed your wrists gently. 

"You've always been better at talking to people than me – your persuasion, your grace will be good for diplomacy when everything settles, but for me…right now...this is how I win."

Your mind flashed back to your thoughts about his regal nature, and you wanted to argue back that he was equally yoked in intelligence and diplomacy as well, but he continued.

“I promise you, I’ll happily engage all your philosophical debates of the force once we have the liberty to do so. But _right_ _now_ , you _must_ trust my stance. _Right_ _now,_ we _must_ play the hands we’re dealt, and strike back when the time is right. I won’t let anything happen to you, and I’ll do everything I can not to taint you.”

He dropped your wrists and reached now to cup his large hands around your neck, stroking under your jaw with his thumbs. His eyes darted back and forth – brow furrowed and lip quivering just a bit.

“You must know that. You must.” He insisted earnestly.

You reached up to hold his wrist, offering a small smile.

“I do.”

And you did. It was so evident that this was his truth and not some malevolent excuse to satisfy bloodthirst. He wanted this to end as much as you, but your methods were just at a stark contrast. 

For once, you sympathized with Luke and how he must have felt about you for all those years. But you weren’t him, and you would not abandon Kylo now.

You’d agreed to his plan, so it was what you were sticking to.

“Now, we won’t discuss this any further.” His voice was stern but soft.

You nodded feebly, and he stroked your jaw one last time before letting you go and turning back to the case. You moved to peer at it as well. 

He released the latches and popped it open, slowly tilting the top back until he revealed two familiar hilts, resting in well-defined grooves of plush velvet. Your head spun slightly and your heart rate picked up as you braced your hands on the table beside him.

It couldn’t be. You’d left those behind years ago.

“How did…” You started as he reached and grabbed them out of the case.

“I found them…when I went back.” He admitted eyeing you curiously.

“Why did you go back?”

“To gather and destroy old artifacts.” He admitted softly.

You both were quiet for a while, gazing at the hilts.

He’d had them cleaned and refurbished with stunning matte black details. You reached and took them from his hands cautiously.

“I thought you’d like to have them back.”

“So many memories.” You whispered feeling the familiar grooves. Your thumbs hovered over the activation switch. “Good and bad.”

He swallowed and nodded.

You held the shoto in place as you twirled the longer hilt.

“Go on…ignite them.” He instructed.

You did so and watched the blades spring to life and start that familiar crackling hum. You were expecting them to be red, but no...

They were light purple - fuchsia almost at certain angles as you brought the hilts closer to inspect. You swung them around, practicing some of your forms watching as the blades seemed to fade into a soft red as the weapons whirled. The true color was unstable – unaware of what it wanted to be. And it was beautiful.

“Thank you.” You whispered, extinguishing them.

He nodded again, a small smile tugging at his lips as he closed the case.

“You like them?”

“I do.”

“Then, shall we begin?”

* * *

Gods, you’d missed training with him. Over the next 30 minutes, you both got into a steady rhythm of sparring and cracking jokes in between. Dueling with him didn't even trigger you. You had never felt less in danger of him, and it felt good to engage in friendly combat.

He tried to coach you most of the way, but the inclination to wield your sabers had never left you – even after all those years of rejected them. Having two hilts was most uncommon for Jedi, but the weight in both of your hands had always felt right.

Now you were on a roll, engaging in an almost dance like session with him atop the platform.

You spun away from one of his strikes just in time to block it and counter strike, but you saw something strange in the mirror as you caught sight of yourself – an image that felt familiarly foreign. 

He blocked you, and you went back on the defense, using your blades to catch an overhead swing, but your reflection seemed off again. You used your foot to nudge him away with a soft kick to his stomach and focused on the reflection in the glass.

And there you saw it again, clearer and as vivid as ever.

You.

It was you, but not you at the same time – a proud face with sharp features that were so striking they appeared to be carved. Your eyes flickered yellow - a haunting gaze set into your brow. And your smile was wicked and complimented by slightly sharpened teeth, salivating and hungry for the taste of power.

You was dressed in a long train silk robe that was black as the night. Red kyber crystal jewels dripped from your neck and ears and were scattered across your knuckles - placed atop golden rings.

You… _She_ was beautiful, and she was gazing at you with a look of pride – an expression of smug satisfaction. She seemed to call to you with the sweetest siren song – beckoning you to become one with yourself.

She wasn't just an altered version of your reflection. She looked to be the physical embodiment of sovereignty. But a chill sat deep in your spine at the idea of what that truly meant. 

The sound of a crackling saber brought you out of the trance, and you looked back just in time to see Kylo lunging at you again - unaware that you'd completely zoned out. 

You stumbled back away from his swing - still too distracted to block and counter in time. It came arching down just missing you, and the blade came down and singed the padding on the floor. 

Your rapid heartbeat thundered out of your chest as your shoulders heaved. He straightened himself back out and regarded you franticly before sheathing his saber.

_Light, light! I’m supposed to be the light._

Your eyes flicked past him at the mirror again searching for the temptress, but you saw just _you_ this time. Plain old you.

“Should we break?” Kylo's voice echoed for a moment.

You continued staring at the mirror watching yourself with wide eyes. You reached to touch your face, making sure that it was still you in control of your body.

He spoke your name and took a step forward. “Are you alright? We can take a moment, truly.” He sounded concerned.

“No…I’m fine. Let’s continue.”

“I think we should take a moment.”

“No.” You snapped, growing irritated with him. You were just trying to keep pushing forward to shake what you'd seen.

“Would it be easier for you to train with someone else, or droids maybe? I know I may be triggering you.”

Your eyes flicked back to him, and your irritation burned out. He was just concerned and fearful that he had frightened you.

“No, no. It’s not you. It’s me…just lost focus for a moment.” You assured and patted his cheek. 

He nodded once, and you both got back to work.


	12. Desired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Put ya'll seatbelts on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be advised: This chapter contains explicit sexual content.

The illusion that you’d seen in the mirror haunted you for days up to the mission. You found yourself staring longer at your reflection as you got ready each morning, willing the temptress to reveal herself again so you could shatter her image with your fist for good. The aspirations that you saw in her eyes were something beyond what you had agreed to do with Kylo. She wanted more – cursed with an appetite that would never be satisfied no matter how much she gorged herself on power.

That could not become you.

Ironically, your conscience was not further tested on the day of the mission. There were no prisoners on which to release any wicked temptations because there were no prisoners secured. 

According to the report you’d just received on your datapad, as soon as Kylo and his troopers touched down on Takodana, they'd been overcome by a fleet of resistance X-Wings that had been lying in wait. It was an assassination attempt on his life specifically, but most of the troopers had gotten the brunt of the blasts – entire squadrons wiped out.

It was evident that someone had alerted the Resistance before the First Order’s arrival, which meant you all had a spy in the very walls of this ship. This information almost sent you spiraling as you made for your door. Now, not only did you have to constantly look over your shoulder for Snoke’s minions, you had to stay alert for a Resistance spy too.

You almost wished you'd been able to question prisoners - to get some information out of them about who the spy could be. It didn't matter how you got it as long as you were able to get revenge on the person who'd done this - who tried to take Kylo from you. Your mind flashed back to the woman in the mirror, and you shuddered, pushing the thought away.

You tried not to appear so frantic as you marched down the hall, heading for the medbay where you’d been informed Kylo had been taken. Fear sat deep in the pit of your stomach.

_I cannot lose him now._

You’d been spared the details of the extent of his injuries in the report, but it didn’t stop your mind from swirling – only deepening the scowl on your face as you swiftly turned corners. You’d never walked these halls with such confidence – oblivious to the eyes. They didn’t matter. Only he did.

Officers and troopers fell back against the wall as you made your way – physically pushed back by your force energy as your fingers shook at your side.

You rounded the final corner and rammed into someone hard. You blinked as you stumbled back, looking up with irritation to see the smug face of Hux sneering down at you. You hadn’t seen him since your return. He’d been working remotely while he was stationed on Starkiller Base, overseeing the final preparations. It was his baby after all – his prized creation.

_Sick fuck._

You smoothed out your blouse and prepared to just push past him and continue on your way, but he extended an arm – blocking you as he spoke.

“Well, hello _.”_ He looked down his nose, eyeing the less traditional uniform you were wearing with poorly veiled judgment. “I see my guidance was able to steer you in the right direction. You’ve officially pledged yourself to the First Order and have already risen considerably in the ranks. _Commander?_ Is it now?”

“Yes, General.” You gave a closed-mouthed smile, eager to get on with it.

“Hmm. My work astonishes even me sometimes.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, relishing in his arrogance.

You took the opportunity to flick him off.

He opened his eyes again right as you lowered your hand, and his mouth twisted up in a weird smile.

“Heading to the medbay to visit Ren?”

You nodded and clasped your hands in front of yourself, hoping he sensed your urgency.

He glanced around and his voice dropped to a low whisper, “You know, you should really come back under my supervision. Ren’s losing his mind. I caught him talking to himself in the halls a few weeks ago.”

You switched on your feet and put your hand on your hip, “Really?”

“Yes. He looked downright insane. I thi-”

“Maybe you can tell me more over lunch? I really need to get to him.”

You finally just brushed past him and jogged the rest of the way to the medbay.

When you entered the double doors, you heard Kylo before you even saw him.

“I said…I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN ASSISTANCE!!!”

You smiled a little to yourself and relaxed your shoulders as you slowed your pace. He still had that fiery spirit, so he couldn’t be too battered.

“B-But Commander…” The soft-spoken medic didn’t stand a chance.

You heard something get hurled across the room he was in and sped back up.

“Sir, please.”

You rounded the corner just in time to see him towering over the quivering medic. He lifted his hand and flicked his wrist slightly, and the man’s body went flying towards you. But you raised your hand and froze the poor guy mid-air before he went crashing anywhere.

Kylo blinked, not processing what happened at first. Then his eyes slid to you. You watched his nostrils flare slightly, but he eventually just dropped his head and sighed – his tension levitating off of his shoulders as they sagged.

“Um…excuse me.” The medic croaked.

You glanced back, realizing he was still suspended in the air and slowly lowered him back down on his feet.

“Sorry about that.” You winced.

He swallowed as he smoothed out his white coat and gave you a curt nod before hurrying out of the room.

You looked back at Kylo who was still wrapped up in all his black layered clothing. You couldn't see any blood stains, but you could tell by the way he was standing that he was injured.

“You’re hurt.” You rushed forward.

“It’s nothing.” He grumbled, extending his hands to keep you from coddling him.

“Yes…it is.” You pulled from his grip and smudged at the soot sticking to his face- noting how matted his hair looked.

“You need to stay here and accept their treatment.” You scolded gently.

“Someone here plotted against me. I cannot look weak before them now.” He growled.

“Well, it’s just me. You don’t have to pretend with me. And you’re not weak for receiving care. You bleed just like everyone else.”

He swallowed and shook his head, gazing over your head.

“Hey…” You took his face in your hands and made him look at you. “Please stay and get some medical attention.”

His jaw tensed but he sighed, bringing his eyes back to yours. “I don't trust anyone here. I just want to be alone with you right now.”

You blinked, understanding his meaning. He was shaken and had the right to be suspicious of everyone on this damn ship after the events of today.

“If I take you back to your quarters, will you at least let me see the wounds?”

You could feel his breathing quicken as he nodded earnestly.

* * *

You walked slowly as he limped. He had thrown his arm around your shoulder and was using you for support as you both made your way through the halls. Coincidently, the path to his quarters was not busy. You didn’t bump into anyone. Not even a single droid. His ego would be spared for the time being.

“This way.” He pointed a weak finger and you gently steered him as you made a right.

Up ahead, was a long stretch of a corridor, and at the very end was a single door. His quarters you assumed. You’d never actually been before and had made sure not to get caught trying to snoop, even though there had been several nights when you'd craved the warmth of his body and the tenderness of his touch. You'd had to get by on other methods to suffice. 

You refocused when you felt him struggling with something on his belt. You paused to help him, and he was able to get his fingers around his keycard and shakily hand it to you. You took it and started forward again. As soon as you reached his door, you scanned the keycard and pulled him in. You were immediately enveloped by darkness as soon as the door hissed shut.

“Where’s your light switch?” You whispered.

“Oh, let me just-”

You could just make out the shape of his hand as he waved it in the darkness, then you started to hear a soft swoosh sound. You tensed slightly, as the sound seemed to come from all around the room. You were already on edge from the first attack, and you thought for a moment that you'd walked him into another ambush.

But you relaxed as you began to notice light seeping into the room and realized that the entire wall to your left was a massive window. The sound you were hearing was just the curtains being drawn back. All you did was blink and the next thing you knew, you were staring into space. The window was massive - taking up the whole wall and it ran from the ceiling to floor. You had never seen a more beautiful view of the galaxy. A soft glow expanded across the room as the shimmering lights of the stars seeped in - reflecting off the chrome walls.

You stood gaping, completely overwhelmed by what you were seeing. Your quarters were definitely nice and more than enough room, but it was nothing like this.

“Wow.” You finally exhaled.

“Ahm.” He chuckled softly.

“Oh, yeah…come on, let me look at you.” You began ushering him forward.

You were able to see the layout a little bit better as the stars lit the way. Everything was some shade of black or charcoal grey. To the right, there was a hallway that led off to what looked to be a kitchen, and a huge refresher was also tucked off in the back corner. You focused on what was before you though and began moving him to the huge lounge area that was centered in the middle of the room. You took quick note, however, of the raised platform that his huge bed set atop against the back wall.

You made for one of the long black leather sofas and began slowly ushering him down on to his back, crouching down beside him as he settled. There was no hesitation. As soon as you had him laid out, you started gently removing his layers to see the damage.

“Where’s your mask?”

“Blasted off in the attack. I just left it” He sighed.

He pushed up to help you, flinging his cloak to the side and pulled at the straps of the armored vest he wore. You swatted his hand away and nudged him back down. He glared at you and tried to push back, but the look you shot him sent him easing back down without another gripe.

He turned his neck to gaze at you as you settled on your knees by his side.

“My Gods.” You gasped.

You noticed immediately the fresh blackened and purple bruises that spotted his torso and arms, but a closer look revealed some underlying faded blotches on his skin as well – old wounds that were finally almost healed. Your grazed your fingers across his abdomen where one particular bruise was a sickly yellow shade and watched his muscles clench under your touch. You felt hot tears press at the back of your eyes as you began to comprehend what you were looking at.

“He did this to you.” You whispered.

He didn’t respond, just shifted slightly and turned his head to stare at the ceiling.

“Snoke…he tortures you, doesn't he?”

It wasn't really a question. You already knew the answer. 

The fresh dark bruises had startled you at first sight, but seeing the others and knowing what they meant - it clawed at something deep inside of you. The fact that you hadn’t noticed during the force bonds made it all the harder to bare. You’d been hurling insults at him, trying your best to emotionally batter him, while he was already in physical pain.

“Kylo, please talk to me.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

He pushed himself back up swiftly.

“You could have permanent damage from what he’s done to you, and you probably have internal bleeding from the attack today.” You hissed.

“Hm.” He shrugged. You tried to push him back down but he successfully maneuvered around you and headed to his refresher.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to take a shower?”

“You need a doctor.”

“NO, I DON'T!” He turned on your fast, spit flying from his mouth as he snarled. “I...am not...weak.”

His face was still covered in soot and dirt, and it just made his wide eyes seem more crazed. 

“I didn’t say you were.” You spoke gently.

But he’d already convinced himself of your accusations.

“I can beat _Snoke_.” He hissed. “I don’t need anyone’s pity. He will fall by my hand and pay for everything he’s done to me…and for what he made me do to you.”

His eyes twitched slightly as he ragged breathing filled the silence of the room. You opened your mouth to speak again, but he turned swiftly and made for the refresher again.

You followed behind him close on his tail, trying to reach for him, but he force slammed the refresher door in your face. You heard the lock click and sighed, pressing your head to the door as you inhaled a shaky breath. Eventually, you pushed back once you heard the water start running and moved back to the center of the room.

As you settled on the sofa, you allowed yourself to take in the ominous noise of space. Now that you were no longer locked away in some interior cell, you could practically feel the sound waves hitting the glass. It was almost overwhelming - like a coursing explosion of all the little happenings around the galaxy, rippling towards each other to produce one mass sound that was nothing but deafening silence.

You’d never felt the presence of the force so potent, and yet all it had to offer was... more silence.

You closed your eyes, trying to stabilize yourself before you started crying.

“Please...tell me what I’m supposed to do. How are we supposed to survive this?” You pleaded.

But before you got any answers you heard the refresher door hiss, and your eyes shot open.

Kylo lumbered out, dressed in nothing but low rise sweats – his torso, chest and arms still littered in the evidence of today’s attack and his abuse at the hands of his Master. He ruffled his damp hair with a towel and tossed it into a hamper before turning his gaze back to you. It wasn't as scalding as before, but it was definitely still guarded. 

“Feeling better?” You offered and a small smile, trying to slice some of the tension.

“Mhm.”

You swallowed, knowing that it was still probably best to keep the conversation light and not bring up Snoke again.

He moved to the sofa and stiffly lowered himself down beside you, watching you as you gazed back out the window - your pupils sparking with the reflection of all the stars.

“Do you like the view?” He spoke softly. 

You nodded earnestly, glancing back out.

“It’s beautiful! Wow. I just…do Hux’s quarters have this kind of view too?” You asked. 

He snorted slightly. “I wouldn’t know. He’s stationed on the other side of the ship, and I’m not exactly having sleepovers with him.”

You giggled a little and looked back out at the view, feeling his gaze bore into you.

“If you want, you can stay he-”

“Can I try something?” You blurted.

He swallowed and narrowed his eyes for a moment, then nodded.

You started nervously “You know how Luke healed me right?”

He sighed, but you continued.

“So before I left the temple, I was able to find one of the few books not burnt in the explosion. It had some information about the healing practice he performed on me. I held onto it for years, but I lost it at some point. However, I was able to remember some of the instructions and-”

“And you want to try on me” He cut you off with a clipped tone.

“Yes.” You dropped your eyes and wrung your hands.

He was quiet for a moment, then he shifted closer on the couch until his thigh hit your knee.

“Okay, let’s see what happens.”

You smiled softly and turned a bit more to face him, raising your hands and pressing them to his chest. You felt his heart beat thrumming gently, the damp feel of his skin, and could smell the rich mahogany scent of whatever he’d used in the shower. The combination of it all made you want to swoon, but you kept your wits.

“I don’t know if it’ll hurt. I was kind of unconscious when he tried it on me.” You admitted gently.

“You won’t hurt me.” He promised softly.

Your eyes flicked up and you saw his trusting smile.

It gave you the confidence to go for it. You settled and began trying to project healing energy into him as you simultaneously extracted the pain from his wounds. It was a high effort activity, that required a lot of focus and intention. You felt you skin grow feverish as your body began to take on the brunt of his trauma - your chest tightening up as you saw flashes of the attack from his perspective. You wanted to take it all away, not just the physical hurt, but the mental as well. You persisted on, even as your fingers began to tremble against him.

His breathing hitched slightly and he straightened up in the seat. You paused, but he only nodded for you to keep going on. You could see the discoloration starting to fade away – most notably the older bruises completely vanished first. But even the more recent bruises faded into almost nothing, blending in eventually with the smooth ivory complexion of his skin.

As his improvements came about, you felt your energy begin to wane, and your eyes started drooping. You started leaning forward into him and you dropped your hands from his chest. He caught you by your chin before you could collapse into his lap, and lifted your face gently.

“What’s wrong?” He demanded.

“Nothing…I think…it just takes a lot of energy.” You mumbled and tried to pull back from his grip, but he pinched your chin a little firmer.

“Kylo, come on. Let me finish.” You whined.

“No, you’re exhausted. Besides, you’ve done more than enough. I barely feel anything now."

He let your chin go and grabbed your shoulders to steady you as he propped you back against the couch.

A moment passed as you blinked the drowsiness out of your eyes. Then you looked back over at him. He had moved his arm behind your head and seemed even closer than before. You swallowed slowly and smoothed out your blouse as you glanced down.

He spoke your name quietly.

“Mhm?” You yawned.

“Look at me.”

You did as you were told, and smiled softly noticing for the first time that the jagged scar on his face had healed as well. Your eyes shifted down to his chest to see that the other scar had also vanished. You'd been too focused on the bruises to notice. You started to tell him, but he spoke first. 

“Thank you.”

You blushed. “It’s nothing, really.”

He shook his head and turned his body more to you. Then he raised his hand to speak, but dropped it - taking a deep breath before proceeding. 

"No, I mean thank you for everything. Thank you for being my only friend at the temple. Thank you for putting up with all my bullshit and being patient with me back then _and_ now. Thank you for forgiving me and coming back to stand with me after everything I've done. Thank you for accepting who I've become, and somehow still having the faith that I might be the man I was before." He spoke softly. "When I think about the few periods of my life when I've had the most clarity, when I felt my strongest...it's whenever you were right beside me. It's never mattered if we were at odds or not. I just always knew, I could find my way if you were near."

He reached to cup your face before he spoke again.

“I love you so, so deeply...and I don’t think I’ve ever truly expressed that to you, nor do I think I'll ever be able to truly convey what you mean to me.” He paused, his voice shaking as he continued. “And I don’t care if you never feel that strongly about me…again. I…I just need you to know how much I care for you.”

“Oh, Kylo…” Your voice caught in your throat as you felt your tears well back up from early . “I…”

“You don’t have to say it back.” He whispered earnestly.

You swallowed, thinking about how cruel you’d been to him the majority of the time back, how difficult you’d made it. You had your reasons of course, but a wave of guilt slammed into you. Now you knew the truth about everything, about that night.

_How could I have ever thought he truly meant me harm?_

And here he was, laying his affection open and on display at your feet, giving you the power to trample over it all if you so cared. He truly believed deep inside that you could never see him the same as you had before when in truth you’d never stopped. You’d been in love with him for so long, so helplessly drawn to him that it physically hurt sometimes. All six of those years apart, your love for him had only grown stronger – trailing you daily like a hungry loth-wolf awaiting the day you’d finally collapse and give in so it could feast on your flesh, gnaw you to the bone, and lap at the juices that ran from your bleeding heart.

And to think you had almost lost him today. The realization that he could’ve died not knowing how damn much he meant to you hit you in that very moment, and you knew then that you couldn't allow another second to go by with him not knowing.

He didn’t even have a chance to react as you quickly hoisted yourself up onto his lap and pulled his lips to yours – cradling his face with desperate trembling fingers as you kissed him with a sensuality you had only ever saved for him. No other man would ever get to see you so vulnerable and needy. Only him – it had always only ever been him.

He shifted quickly in response and pulled you closer, wrapping his strong arms around you as he set up more to support your weight on his legs. You could feel something hard, press between your spread thighs and you whimpered into his mouth as you quivered slightly.

He used the opportunity to gain more control of this kiss, turning his head slightly as he moved his hands up to hold the sides of your neck. His nostrils flared as he gained more dominance, kissing you with unrestrained passion, extracting shaky gasps from your lips as he tenderly sucked on your tongue.

You pulled back to get some air, looking at him with wide eyes. The intensity of his stare had never been more staggering, more paralyzing. Your eyes flicked down to his pouty lips - wet and swollen.

Your voice came out in a whisper, “You’re beautiful, Kylo.”

Tragically so.

He flinched back slightly at your sentiment, and his cheeks reddened. His eye twitched like the compliment wasn’t computing and for a moment, you thought you’d said the wrong thing and completely ruined the mood.

“Kylo, I lov-”

But he was on your lips again before you could complete your declaration, fumbling with the buttons on your blouse as he kissed you more frantically this time. You helped him work the buttons loose until his hands started working on unsnapping the back of your bra. Whatever drowsiness had fallen over you earlier was gone. You were wide awake and energized now.

You helped him unclasp your bra then jumped up from his lap as you flung it to the side and started shimmying out of your pants. He stood quickly too, tugging down his sweats hurriedly, hopping on one foot as he struggled to get one leg out. You wanted to laugh at the desperation of it all. Both of you so touch starved that you didn’t know how to be coy about this part.

You almost tripped out of your panties, but caught yourself, bringing your eyes back to his. His eyes were already on you, but you tore your gaze from his and let it wander over him fully, processing his naked body for the first time.

He truly was a beautiful man. A mountain of lean muscle topped off with broad-defined shoulders, pale skin freckled with moles, a thick long mane of sable colored hair, and the face of a God. He exuded strength, power, and grace.

He was right. He was not weak. He was glorious.

He moved forward slowly, and your heartbeat started hammering out of your chest as he took you in with much of the same admiration – such longing and suppression haunting his dark eyes.

He towered over you, the yearning growing thick in the little space between your bodies. He lifted a hand to lightly stroke his knuckles across your cheek – his fingers practically trembling from the restraint he was practicing.

“I-I’ve never done this before.” You whispered, crossing your arms over your breast as you suddenly grew self-conscious.

Something like pained relief flashed across his face, and he dropped his eyes slightly.

“Me either.”

Your eyes widened. “What?! I thought you’d – All the influence you have, I-”

He shook his head roughly, his lips trembling slightly as he spoke. “I never thought about sharing myself like that with anyone else but you…and well I thought you were…” His breathing hitched and he shut his eyes tightly, dropping his hand from your cheek. He couldn’t even say it.

You reached to cup his face, feeling your confidence bloom again – expanding in your stomach and settling in your core.

“Then how beautiful is it that our first time will be together?”

His eyes fluttered back open and he turned his face slightly to kiss your wrist.

“Yes, beautiful indeed, but the things I want to do to you are filthy.” He whispered.

You glanced down at his length, noticing how hard it was – the skin flushed. His lower abdomen clenched slightly as it bobbed. Your own skin flushed at the sight, and you fidgeted on your feet anxiously, feeling a slickness sliding its way down from your core. Gods, you wanted him inside of you now.

He brought both hands back up to cradle your face gently as he ducked his head down to resume kissing you, walking you slowly backward toward the platform where his bed was. You could tell he was trying to savor the moment and not immediately start letting his hands wander, but you were growing impatient and wanted nothing more than for him to throw you down on his bed and have his way with you.

His demanding and intoxicating lips were enough on their own, but you had enough of your wits to notice that the curtains were still wide open and you both were very much exposed to the galaxy. You pulled back a little.

“Wait, shouldn’t we close the curtains? What if a ship flies by?”

“Let them see.” He murmured and tried to chase your lips, but you ducked back.

“Get back here.” He laughed softly, completely drunk on his lust.

“K-Kylo, wait.” You whined.

But he was too quick, he caught your chin and pulled you back to him.

“I need you…like right now.” He whispered against your lips in between soft sensual kisses.

Your knees buckled slightly, but he kept you steady as one of his arms snaked around your waist, pulling you closer and pressing his swollen cock against your thigh. Your breast squished against his chest, and his hold seemed to tighten as your nipples grew even harder against him.

He nuzzled his nose against your cheek inhaling as he raked his hand through your hair, before bending your neck back so he could move his kisses there. He groaned slightly when you brought up a hand to rest on his side.

“Wait are you still a little hurt?” You whispered.

“It doesn’t matter.” He sighed against your skin.

“But-”

He tugged your hair a bit harder and you gasped as his kisses turned into soft bites.

“Let’s…not argue.” He warned, inflicting your punishment tenderly as he teased your flesh between his teeth.

“Fuck.” Your arms hung lamely at your side as you let him support your entire body weight.

You were helpless to his touch, left stunned by his wandering hands that squeezed and groped your hips and ass as he left scattered love bites all up and down your neck – showing no mercy.

You whimpered as his teeth slightly broke skin, but he quieted you right up with a soft kiss to the spot, mixing the pain with a pleasure that trickled down to your core. You could feel the slickness oozing out onto your thighs now.

“What are you doing to me?” You whispered.

He pulled back and rested his hands on the side of your neck again – massaging the skin he’d just feasted on. “What I should have done a long time ago.”

You needed to touch him back, to make him feel as good as he was making you feel. You let your hands come up and trace his sides, feeling the weight of his cock press more firmly into your thigh. Hesitantly, you reached for it but paused not sure if that was what he wanted right now.

“Gods, yes. Touch me.” He urged, looking down at you through hooded eyelids.

You blushed and grabbed it gently at first, pumping him slowly in the space between your bodies – relishing in the girthy feel of the pulsing flesh in your palms.

His breathing hitched, and he started rocking his hips slowly, watching you work with parted lips. Eventually, he leaned back in to kiss you again, groaning softly into your mouth as you sped up your pace. You let your thumb swipe over the head and felt him shudder slightly. You smiled against his lips as he sighed – loving his reaction to your touch.

“Fuck.” He rasped slightly as he broke the kiss.

Your hands continued to stroke him, but he suddenly grabbed your wrist stopping you.

“Lay down.”

You swallowed and glanced back to step up on the platform before settling on the base of the bed. You looked back up at him, expectantly, eying his cock with a lustful haze, not knowing what to do next.

“I said, lay down.”

He gently pushed you back down on the bed, urging you to scoot further towards the headboard. You wiggled against the silken black sheets, settling on your back.

His knees hit the bed, and you watched his cock swing around, finally taking in his huge size and width. You swallowed again and blushed as he crawled forward and settled on top of you.

He hovered for a moment, letting his legs get tangled up with yours as he propped himself up with one arm, his eyes wide and curious as he ghosted his touch up your thigh, groping and massaging the soft flesh with his massive hand. He then moved his hand to your stomach, catching sight of the scar you’d lived with for 6 years. No amount of projected healing could ever remove it completely, but right now, you didn't care. 

He paused, etching his fingers across the jagged warped flesh near your belly button – his touch, feather-light as his eyes glazed over slightly. You quickly caught his chin in your fingers, bringing his eyes up to yours. Guilt and sudden hesitation evident in his expression.

“Don’t.” You spoke firmly. “We’re past that.”

You were not about to let it ruin the moment.

He swallowed and nodded gently before continuing to trail his fingers up between your breast, until he eventually splayed his hand across one, teasing your nipple in between the slightly calloused flesh of his fingers.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful. I can’t wait to taste you.” His words were muffled as he began placing slow kisses to your neck again– his lips leaving sloppy stains.

You squirmed under his weight feeling your slickness rub against his thigh and tried to push your hips up to get more friction, but he stilled you by firmly holding your thigh down.

“Please…let me take my time with you.” He crooned in a raspy groan, still pressing wet kisses across your neck as he played with your nipple.

“Oh Gods, Kylo.” You whined.

He ducked his head and caught the nipple in his mouth, sucking gently as he flicked his gaze up to you with dark eyes – searching for your approval. Seeing his plump lips latch around you like that, made you squirm more.

“Please, please.” You panted.

He teased his tongue over the perked bud as he nuzzled his nose further into your breast, giving your nipple one last flick before unlatching. He kept his gaze on you as he moved to make for the other one, but you shot up a hand and snatched his chin, your neediness making you more clear in your demands.

“Enough of this. You know what I want.”

A devilish grin spread across his face, and he reached down to grip your other thigh. He slid further down the bed, spreading you even wider as he settled between your legs.

“Yes ma’am.” His warm breath tickled the swollen flesh as he made himself comfortable. “Now, keep these legs open for me.”

Then he paused, gazing up at you.

“Your body is remarkable.” He whispered.

You pushed up on your elbows to peer down at him and shifted irritably, but he kept you situated exactly as he wanted.

“Thank you, I really appreciate it. Now, will you plea-”

His tongue darted out, quickly curling around your clit before you got a chance to say another word. Your head fell back on the pillow as he started lapping you slowly from your entrance back to your bundle, where he repeatedly swirled his tongue. Your legs started kicking, but he kept you from wiggling as his fingers dug into your thighs.

“Mmmm” you arched your back.

“What was that?” His warm breath fanned out against the wet sensitive flesh, making you mewl slightly.

“P-please s-stop talking.”

“Happily.” He chuckled before diving his face back in.

His mouth was hot and wet against your pussy, immediately exploring your folds with curious flicks at first. You gripped the sheets at your side and squirmed under his hold as his lips latched around your clit. You gave up trying to control the sounds coming from your mouth. You didn’t care if the whole ship heard you.

He wasn't any better, groaning loudly as he worked, slurping every last drop of you. He’d moved his hands to cup under your thighs now, and dragged you even closer. His nose now pressed into your clit, as his tongue worked your folds and eased its way down to your entrance. You damn near saw stars when he curled his tongue and pushed in slightly.

“Fuck!” You gasped, seizing up slightly and gripped the sheets harder.

He quickly responded to your reaction, pushing his tongue deeper and wiggling it as he kept pressure on your clit with his nose. Your hips started to buck up against him, but he was unrelenting, keeping his tongue curled inside of you as your breathing started to speed up.

He released his grip on one of your thighs, now moving to lift one of your legs over his shoulder. You cried out, as the new angle made his tongue dive deeper. He then moved to snake his arm underneath your lower back propping you up slightly, so you couldn’t squirm away even if you tried. Your other leg instinctively jerked from his grasp and you threw it over his other shoulder – trapping him. His face was quite literally buried between your legs now but he didn't seem eager to come up for air.

“D-don’t stop.” You stammered, reaching down to grip his hair, pressing his face in to get even more friction.

He grunted slightly but did as he was told. Continuing to work his tongue, even rocking his face from side to side to reach every angle of your pussy he could reach. You moaned and fidgeted as he worked – releasing his hair as you gripped the sheets again. Suddenly, he directed all of his attention back to your clit, resting his chin on your entrance to keep pressure there as he taunted and teased the sensitive bundle with slow swirls of his tongue, gazing up at you to see you come completely undone.

You felt something clench in your abdomen and coarse its way slow and steady through your limbs as you caught his gaze.

“Gods, Kylo. Shit!”

You threw your head back on the pillow and gasped, clutching the bed sheets hard, feeling your breast jiggle as you trashed in his hold.

Your hips bucked up, but he quickly splayed his hand on your stomach and held you down as your legs began to tremble - never once breaking contact with your clit – sucking slow and deliberate as you came hard on his face.

You were left panting and somewhat disoriented - your vision a bit blurry. You watched him pull back slightly and flash a wicked smile - evidence of his hard work glistening on his lips and chin.

“Fuck.” You rasped.

He leaned back in, pressing soft kisses to the swollen flesh and massaged your lower stomach until your trembling completely subsided.

Through the haze of your fading orgasm, you watched him push back up and crawl forward, positioning his knees between your legs. You bit your lip and trailed your gaze down to his cock. It was even more swollen and red, already oozing with pre-cum.

You wiped the sweat from your brow as he stroked himself slowly, his eyes still locked on yours.

He wiped at his chin and licked his lips, savoring the taste. “Gods, you’re delicious.”

“Please.” You whimpered, watching him.

“Please what?” He taunted.

“Please…Kylo…I need to feel you inside of me.”

He smirked and dragged you closer by your hips. You could feel him teasing himself at your entrance, and you reached to push him in your damn self, but he stilled you.

“Slow.” He warned. “I need to open you up a bit more. I don’t want to hurt you.” He spoke as gently as possible, but the husky tone of his voice betrayed how animalistic he’d become.

He slid a finger down to your entrance and pressed in slowly, watching your expression. Your breathing hitched, but you mewled at the feel of his thick finger filling you. He slowly added another and began rotating his wrist. His lips were parted as he watched you, nodding in approval as you began rocking your hips back and forth onto his fingers. He pressed his thumb to your clit to get a rise out of you, then he pulled out completely.

You started to complain, but froze as you watched him take those very fingers and smear your juices all over his cock – the swollen pink flesh glistening as he began pumping himself slowly. His lips quivered slightly as he did, and you watched his stomach clench.

You squirmed– the lewd visual of it setting your skin ablaze. Your cheeks flushed and you pushed up on your elbows, feeling your pussy start throbbing as if he hadn’t just wrecked you with his tongue alone.

“I need you to fuck me…right now.” You spoke just above a whisper, but your tone was firm.

His eyes flickered to yours, and a cocky smirk pulled at his lips. He moved to position himself and started pressing into you at an agonizingly slow pace. You felt your walls expand and you tensed slightly at the dull sting, but swallowed it down as the slight pain became a pulsing ache for more.

He hissed slightly as he settled deep inside of you, sweat already beading on his forehead.

“Fuck, you feel so good.” He took a deep breath as he pulled out slightly and slowly pushed back in, watching himself penetrate you.

You cried out at the sensation, hearing his cock squelch inside of you as he settled again – it’s thick width and length stretching you out even more in the most satisfying way.

“Am I hurting you?” He asked.

“N-no, you're perfect. It’s perfect. Fuck, you feel amazing.” You panted softly - glancing down to see where you both were joined.

The muscles in your stomach rippled as you continued to breath and adjusted to him. He flashed a wicked grin, taking you by your waist and started rocking into you slowly at first. You moaned softly, biting your lip as you took in the sight. That got a rise out of him, and he shifted you closer - picking up the pace of his thrust.

“You’re so beautiful.” He murmured, massaging your waist as he rocked his hips

You smiled gently, knowing you probably looked a disheveled, sweat-drenched mess right about now, but appreciated the compliment anyway.

You were about to tell him to just shut up and focus on going deeper, but he was already one step ahead of you. Suddenly, he gripped the top of the headboard with both hands, letting his arms hang and used the momentum to pound into you with more force. You gasped at the new depth in which the angle allowed him to explore - practically feeling him in your stomach. You eagerly hiked your legs up over his thighs as his strokes grew more raunchy and untamed. Not wanting to lose the friction, you reached forward to grab his waist and steady yourself against his gyrating hips.

“You’re taking me so well.” He groaned, slowing his pace to watch himself enter you.

The slick noises were music to your ears.

“Such a good girl.”

Gods, you loved his praise. This feeling of submitting to him was euphoric.

“Fuck, Kylo.” You whimpered.

Your body moved with him, in perfect rhythm – your head hitting the headboard with each thrust, bliss sparking through your veins. You turned your head slightly, starting to lose your senses as you felt another orgasm welling up inside. He reached down to grab your jaw quickly, turning you back to look up at him – his eyes dark and primal as he sneered slightly.

He wanted you to look at him as he fucked you senseless – digging in deeper and deeper with each snap of his hips – determined to claim you and desperate to see your face as you came undone from this angle. Your breast bounced wildly as he took you in. Your head hit the headboard again and you saw him grit his teeth, holding on to the frame tighter. Then there came a cracking sound.

“Shit.” He hissed.

He slipped out momentarily and shifted back down directly on top of you with his elbow resting on the side of your head. He pressed himself back into you as he hovered.

“What happened?” Your eyes were wide.

But he shut you up with a particularly deep stroke as he resumed fucking you, and reached down to pinch your clit. 

“Fuuuck.” Your eyes rolled back in your head slightly, and when they resettled, you looked up to notice the headboard was cracked down the middle where he had been ramming you.

He pulled away from your clit and grabbed your jaw, turning you back to face him as his thrust picked back up.

“Fucking look at me.” He demanded. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted this? To have you like this?” He hissed. You could see an angry vein bulging on his forehead.

You reached to grip the back of his head, raking your hands through his hair as you pulled him closer. You’d been waiting a long time too.

The closeness of his body and the angle allowed his pubes to brush across your clit with each stroke. The added sensation only made your walls flutter more rapidly as you took his cock. You could feel your sweat trickling down and joining his at the base of where you were connected, and it felt sublime – just adding to the slick mess of all your fluids that had gathered there.

“Is this how you like it? Pinned down beneath me and taking my cock in that tight little pussy?” He hissed, still holding your jaw in place.

“Yes, fuck yes!”

He pressed his forehead to yours, staring straight into your eyes as he deepened his strokes. You could feel him stretching your walls - forcing you to accommodate his length and width as he started to twitch inside of you. He fucked into you savagely, but the tenderness in his eyes made you melt.

You reached to cup his face pressing frantic kisses around his mouth and chin, just desperate to return the affection – show appreciation for how good he was making you feel. He caught your lips and kissed you fervently before turning his attention to watch your breast bounce against him – caught in a trance.

You bit down on your lip suppressing a whine as you took in the beautiful sight before you – sweat trickling down his nose as he fucked into you, his hair hanging disheveled around his perfectly sculpted face – his pants rapidly increasing, steady and in sync with your own.

You’d always imagined that sex would feel like something was being taken from you, but this felt like being gifted a part of yourself that was always yours to claim – like something was being poured back into you that you didn’t even know was missing.

His heavy breaths only pushed you further toward the edge. Knowing it was you who made him this primal, that it was you he was so entranced with, that it was you who he was using every last bit of his strength to satisfy was beyond just primal lust, it was enlightening.

You could feel his pleasure rippling through you, coupling with your own as it began clawing its way back up your abdomen – making your nipples harden even more against his chest.

His pleasure was yours because it pleased him to please you.

Your back arched off the bed as he hit your cervix right at the same time that you had the realization.

_I am desired._

“Yes…” He panted in your ear. “Yes, you are. Now, cum for me baby.”

The racking wave hit, and your body was convulsing beneath him. Your forehead crumbled and your lips quivered as you came hard – wrapping your legs around his waist moaning out obscenities as he stroked you through it. He bent to capture your lips in a lewd open mouth kiss, sticking his tongue so far down your throat that you almost gagged. Your muffled moans caught in his mouth as he demanded everything from you – extracting your ragged breaths. You got a little bit more control of the kiss, savoring the flavors of yourself that were leftover on his tongue from earlier. 

His hips started jerking in response and he tore his lips from yours as he groaned, scrunching his face into a tight grimace as he started to come undone on top of you as well. You could feel his cock jerking inside of you, and it only made you wrap your legs tighter. Your walls continued to flutter rapidly around him. You wanted everything he had to offer.

“Give it to me.” You whispered.

You felt him stiffen and watched his lips curl into a slight snarl as he poured his hot seed deep into you, feeling you up beyond capacity. You could feel some of it ooze out onto your thighs – sticky and warm against your flesh.

“Fuuuuck.” He closed his eyes tight, and you noticed a single tear squeeze out the corner as he let out a final gasp - his chest heaving and racking as his hips stuttered.

With his last bit of energy, he fucked you with a few final slow and deliberate strokes, making sure you felt him – that you understood what you had the power to do to him.

Finally, he collapsed on top of you, sweat making him feel clammy and feverish against your skin – the soft buzz of your orgasms still vibrating between you.

You stroked your fingers up and down the dip in his back, feeling his muscles contract as he settled.

He turned his head slightly and wrapped his arms around you, breathing heavily as you panted softly.

“Gods.” He whispered and pressed a sloppy kiss to your neck. 

One of the strongest men in the galaxy was slumped on top of you, nestled in between your breast and holding on to you for dear life like he was afraid you'd fade away. His brooding and intense demeanor melted down into a puddle of tender affection for only you.

You brought up your arm to cradle his head as he laid there atop you, curling a strand of his hair around your finger and just basking in the feel of his warmth as both of your bodies continued to tremble.

Finally, he began pushing himself up – his arms still a little wobbly, but he steadied and pulled out slowly. He pushed back to rest on his knees for a moment staring at your splayed body – a small smile tugging at his lips.

You took a deep breath, still slightly reeling from the intense passion, "That was...whew."

"A longtime coming..."

"Yeah...definitely." You chuckled. 

You both just sat staring at each other for a moment. Things definitely felt different, but not in an awkward sense. If anything, there seemed to be more clarity between you now. Like all the tension, good and bad, that had defined your relationship for so long had finally fled your bodies. You weren't blinded by rage, resentment, or anything else for once. You just saw him...your best friend and now lover. 

You reached forward - urging him back with your index finger. He crawled and leaned down as you pulled his lips to yours for a gentle kiss - one not so heavily passionate, but rather sweet and plain. A simple gesture of appreciation. 

He pulled back slightly, and smiled against your lips as he whispered. 

“Stay here.”

He hopped up and disappeared into the refresher. You heard water running as you continued to lay in your exhausted heap, relishing in your after glow. He came back out with a rag a moment later and stretched over the bed.

“It’s warm.” He promised before pressing it gently between your legs and wiping your thighs clean of his cum.

You blushed slightly, but laid perfectly still, letting him clean you up until he turned and chucked it into the hamper.

“I should probably go pee.” You laughed as you sat up.

You tried to stand up, but your legs quickly gave out.

“Hey!” He rushed to catch you before you could hit the floor. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” You chuckled.

Once you were steady, you made your way to the refresher on wobbly legs - silently relishing in the feeling of being spent at the expense of his cock. 

When you re-emerged from the refresher, he was waiting for you with a glass of water, which you eagerly gulped down. He bent down to peck your lips when you finished and picked you up, wrapping your legs around his waist.

"Hey!" You laughed.

He nuzzled his face into your neck and carried you back to the bed, laying you down first before settling beside you. You reached to place your glass on the bed side table and glanced back at the headboard.

“What are you going to do about your bed?” You laughed, eying the huge crack.

“The droids are used to it. I’ll have a new frame by tomorrow afternoon.” He yawned as he blanketed the sheets over your bodies.

Once he had you covered, he pulled your body to his - wrapping one arm around you and massaging your hip. As you nuzzled into his neck, he rested his chin on the top of your head. Eventually, he lifted his hand, willing the curtains to close. You giggled to yourself as the soft swooshing sound filled the room again - hoping and praying that no ships were on patrol recently.

"What?" He peeked down at you.

"Nothing." 

The room became shrouded in darkness, and you both were silent for a while as you laid tangled up together, drenched in the perfume of sex.

Eventually, you spoke.

"Kylo."

"Mhm." 

"I love you." You whispered against his chest. 

Even in the pitch dark, you could see him swallow thickly. He shifted you in his arms, pushing you further up, so he could look at you head on.

"Say that again." He demanded.

You pressed a sweet soft kiss to his lips, and pulled back a hair.

"I love you." You repeated.

He stared at you for a moment, expression blank an unreadable. You bit your lip anxiously, needing him to understand that you were serious.

"I thought I lost you today, and I...I was so scared." Your voice cracked a little and you glanced away.

He cradled your face gently, turning you back to him.

"I love you." You insisted. "And I need you to forgive yourself and accept that."

His lips quirked up slightly, and he leaned in to nuzzle his nose against yours, inhaling softly.

"I do." He whispered. "I just wanted to hear you say it again." He grinned slightly.

"Asshole."

You reached up and flicked his ear, and he ducked away from you as he started laughing. It was like music to your ears as you realized that you hadn't heard the authentic sound in so long. His eyes crinkled even as his laughter started to subside, and you smiled softly - reflecting on how far you both had come. 

"I love you." 

"I love _you."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😅 "Did everyone try the chicken? I thought the chicken was lovely?"


	13. Stoking the Flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I first want to apologize for the wait. So many of you have been super supportive, and I want to keep some level of consistency for you all. I love interacting and appreciate all the kind words! It's just a lot going on right now, and I needed a breather, but I'm back!
> 
> I'm also going to apologize in advance for the lack of real smut in this chapter. It will come and go because this story is definitely more plot based, but I will feed you guys. I promise 😈
> 
> I love you all, and I hope you enjoy!

> _The temple cots were comically small and no matter how many times the force was invoked to soften the mattresses, they remained back-achingly uncomfortable. But somehow Ben had gotten himself pretty snuggly situated in the small space beside you – large stature and all. His long legs were sprawled out over the covers as he observed you seated in a hunched over position, scratching your pen furiously into your notebook._
> 
> _You both were older now- around age 18 at this point in your training. He towered over you, dwarfing you on all accounts of physicality, and it was obvious that he was only going to keep growing. You’d grown too - in a lot of ways, and he’d begun to look at you a lot differently from how he first perceived you when you both were children. During training sessions, he often found himself studying your curves, taking any opportunity to touch you when he could, and often scaring off other padawans from even looking at you - let alone ask you to be their partners._
> 
> _He swallowed as he watched your pen dig deeper into the paper – your frustrations and grudges being taken out on the poor thin sheet. You were writing an essay per the request of Master Skywalker, who had punished you for questioning his teachings…once again. His demand was a 1,000-word count explanation of some phenomenon of the Force or a deep dive into a particular teaching of the Jedi – his leniency only extended to giving you the choice of the topic._
> 
> _Ben smiled softly, watching your lips twitch as you wrote._
> 
> _You were a force your damn self, and no teaching of the Jedi would ever change that._
> 
> _He’d agreed with what you had to say. He just knew better than to so boldly state it. But that’s why he admired you, why he loved you he supposed – even though he hadn’t quite expressed it yet._
> 
> _Because you were everything he wasn’t -daring and sure of yourself while his own conscience flickered like a flame. Always threatening to blow out altogether or catch fire to something else._
> 
> _But with you, like he was now, so close, and intimate - his flame felt steady._
> 
> _He sighed and let his head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes to rest as the scratching sound of the pen began to lull him to sleep._
> 
> _“Lift your butt.” Your voice came._
> 
> _“Hm?” He opened an eye and peeked down at you._
> 
> _“Lift your butt.” You repeated._
> 
> _He did as he was told without further question, watching as you yanked the part of the covers he had been sitting on down. He pulled his knees up, understanding what you were trying to do, letting you position the covers back over his legs._
> 
> _“I can stay?!” He tried not to sound so excited._
> 
> _“Of course. You’re so close to falling asleep, you might as well. I don’t want to have to fight with the covers when I’m ready to sleep because your heavy ass is knocked out over them.” You giggled, nudging him slightly._
> 
> _He flashed a sheepish grin and settled again, but this time, he kept his eyes open, watching as you resumed writing._
> 
> _“Master Luke is such an ass.” You mumbled. “He’s making this due tomorrow. Can you believe that?”_
> 
> _“Mhm.” Ben hummed. He wasn’t really listening, just watching your side profile. Observing your eyelashes flutter, taking in the feminine slope of your neck, salivating at the teasing dip of your clavicle, and admiring the rosy tint of your cheek as you yawned trying to fight sleep._
> 
> _He watched through hazy eyes as his hand lifted instinctively towards a piece of your hair that was obscuring his view. He took hold of it, rotating it gently between his fingers before pushing it back._
> 
> _You stilled and placed your pen and book down on your lap to look over at him. When he realized he had your attention, his hand lingered near your face for a few more seconds until he gently cupped the back of your neck and began stroking your jaw with his thumb. All the while, he watched your expression for any sign that you wanted him to stop, but you only stared – seeming to be just as caught in a daze as he._
> 
> _It felt intoxicating and sobering at the same time – like he was heading somewhere he didn’t know how to navigate, but if he took his time, he’d soon be an expert. And apparently, you wanted to help him get there because you suddenly pushed your pen and paper off of your lap completely – letting them fall to the floor with a soft thud as you shifted to lean further into his touch. He stroked your jaw again and you smiled softly up at him._
> 
> _She wants me too?_
> 
> _He sat up straighter as you slowly moved to sit up on your knees – expectantly. Realization set in that this was going to be one of the few times you let him lead. His hands trembled slightly as he grabbed at your waist, lifting you on top of his lap. Face flushed and still shaking, his heartbeat slowed as your pretty fingers found his cheeks – cupping him loosely as your foreheads connected._
> 
> _You both sat breathing in rhythm with each other in the low lamplight of the hut. His eyes searched all over your face as yours scanned his as well. Both seeking permission in the secret of the night. His hand found the side of your face again and he pulled you even closer, your lips now centimeters apart. He could almost taste the sweet ginger candy you’d been snacking on earlier. He quirked a shy smile, losing his train of thought, and mumbled the most insignificant word that came to his mind._
> 
> _“Hi.”_
> 
> _He didn’t know what else to say. He only knew what he wanted to do, but he was terrified._
> 
> _Your smile betrayed your anxiety as well. You looked stricken as you shifted slightly in his lap, bringing your arms around his neck to secure yourself. He sucked in a breath at the feel of you unintentionally planting yourself firmer on his erection. He glanced down before looking back up at you, finding you still a bit nervous but slightly calmer - as if you trusted him to guide you through whatever the two of you were about to do. You had never looked more beautiful, and he was eager to quell your concerns, meet your needs, and satisfy you in all ways._
> 
> _It was instinctive and without warning as his lips pressed into yours – awkward and desperate as his fingers clutched at the starchy fabric of your Jedi robes. It was not at all what he had planned for his first kiss with you to be, but it was sincere nonetheless – a goofy and ill-executed bumping of your lips together as you both giggled nervously. You aggressively raked your hands through his hair and he clutched at your waist tighter as you both tried to simulate what you’d seen on the holo-dramas you sometimes snuck and watched when you were able to get your hands on a datapad from the library supply._
> 
> _It was chaotic and ridiculous, but it got you both going._
> 
> _You pulled back and started unraveling your robe and he immediately started doing the same – both of your fingers struggling to untie the knots as your anxieties set back in. Once he had his pulled back exposing his broad chest, he reached for you impatiently as he helped you untie your last few ties. Your bound breast and bare skin emerged from under the layers a second later and he paused, letting his fingers skim across your clavicle._
> 
> _“Ben.”_
> 
> _“Mhm?” He mumbled – but he was lost in lust, pushing your robe from around your upper body to get a better view._
> 
> _It crumbled around you, and he let his fingers wander down your stomach to the waistband of your trousers._
> 
> _“Take these off.” He murmured._
> 
> _“Ben.” You repeated._
> 
> _He finally brought his eyes up to you. “Yes?”_
> 
> _“You’re so beautiful.”_
> 
> _He frowned and narrowed his eyes. That was supposed to be his line, but that was just like you - beating him to the punch and just saying what you meant without overthinking it before it was too late. He felt his cheeks redden at the compliment, but he didn’t feel at all beautiful. He was hoping your body would change that._
> 
> _“No, you are.” He whispered._
> 
> _And at that, he made for your lips again._
> 
> _This second kiss was more forward and less awkward as you both now understood how best your lips moved against each other. He shifted you closer and ran his hands down your sides – fingers not daring to grope your covered breast just yet as you braced your palms on his shoulders – rocking your hips slowly in his lap. He groaned softly and squeezed your waist to press you down harder as he bucked his hips in response._
> 
> _He could feel the force consciousness you both shared seeming to swell and grow in power. He couldn’t make out much of your thoughts because everything felt like a whirlwind, but the sudden shift was undeniable. Like scissors to a string, his access to your mind was severed off and your body tensed in his hold. You quickly pulled back - gazing at him with a terrified expression._
> 
> _“What? What’s wrong?” He demanded, gripping your shoulders._
> 
> _“I…attachments…we’re not supposed to…” You stammered._
> 
> _He blinked, having completely forgotten where he was and who was asleep just across the field. But the plummet back to reality wasn’t enough to shake what he was feeling. He licked his lips and swallowed slowly – wiggling a bit beneath you to relieve some of the strain in his tightening trousers. Dropping his hands on your spread thighs, he began thrumming his fingers slowly as his eyes lingered on your heaving chest – trying to find the right words to alleviate your concern. He took a shaky breath and spoke the poetic words:_
> 
> _“I thought we agreed that it was fuck the Jedi code?”_
> 
> _He watched the pulse point on your neck as you swallowed and ran his hands up and down your arms._
> 
> _“I know, I know…We said a lot of things when we were younger, but...” you shut your eyes and grimaced. “But…I…what if we get in trouble?”_
> 
> _“Then we run! We can run right now!” His eyes lit up, and he took your hands in his, lacing your fingers. He was deathly serious too._
> 
> _“Ben.” You whimpered. Tears were welling in your eyes, and he could feel each brick of the wall you were building pile up in his chest._
> 
> _“No, no, no” He begged._
> 
> _You were trying to push him out, trying to keep him blocked from your mind. He knew that you knew if he got even a taste of your pure thoughts about him, there’d be no going back to normal. If he got even the slightest idea that you wanted him, you’d have him for the rest of your life – and there would be no return policy._
> 
> _But it was he who needed you the most right now. The voice had grown louder and more demanding. He needed an outlet – someone to bring him back down from the hell disguised as heaven that the voice spoke of. The euphoric rush of darkness always seemed to come with a price in the end, and he wanted to reject it once and for all so badly. He needed to hear that he was enough without it. You’d said it in so many plain ways over the years, but he needed to hear it explicitly now._
> 
> _"You're so beautiful" would not be enough._
> 
> _“Tell me. Tell me everything. I want to know how you truly feel about me.” He pleaded, tears beginning to sting his eyes as well. “You don’t have to hide from me. I feel you all the time, baby. I know you. Don’t push me out. Open for me.” He cooed, reaching for your face again, but you ducked back, gripping his wrist._
> 
> _His eyes twitched and he yanked back._
> 
> _Shaking your head and blinking back tears, you spoke. “We can’t. We’ll be cast out with nowhere to go. I have no home to return to. I don’t even know who my parents are, Ben. You know that! I don’t have anyone!”_
> 
> _“You have me!” He insisted. “You have my family. My parents adore you. We’ll go back to Coruscant with them and start a new life.”_
> 
> _You shook your head roughly. “No…they’d grow to resent me, and one day you would too. I don’t want to be responsible for corrupting ‘Ben Solo’”_
> 
> _You wiped tears from your eyes and he studied you with a stricken expression – processing what you were saying and how wrong you were. He could never resent you, and he’d reject anyone who did._
> 
> _You crossed your hands in front of your body as you continued to straddle him – avoiding his gaze. “You have so much promise, Ben. You’re a Skywalker by blood. You have to complete this training. It is your destiny.” You whispered harshly – defeated._
> 
> _He let out a growl and threw his head back against the wall, covering his eyes with his palms. Where was this coming from? You were the rebellious one. He’d expected more from you than silly talk of destiny and purpose._
> 
> _He felt you sigh and push back off of him as you settled at his side once again. He jumped to his feet as soon as your weight was gone and started pacing. His hands twitched as his sides as he tried to find the words. Spiraling was an understatement. He damn near felt like the air had been let out of him and he was helplessly whizzing across the galaxy._
> 
> _“I don’t care about being Ben Solo or a Skywalker, and I don’t want to be a Jedi.” He blurted. “I care about you! I want you!” He was sobbing now as he dropped to his knees._
> 
> _You wiped away your tears and rubbed your arms – refusing the hand he had extended to you. His teary gaze went to his empty palm, and he lowered it slowly._
> 
> _“Ben…we can’t. We’ll never be the same if this doesn’t work out. If we’re caught...” Your voice trailed off._
> 
> _He stood swiftly towering over you - his breathing heavy and his body humming with arousal, agitation, anger, rejection, love? It all felt like a blend of emotions. The only thing he could seem to find in all the murk was the voice chiding him._
> 
> _“I told you, she could never love you…that she would never choose you. The Jedi are bound by their honor and committed only to things they deem worthy of care and saving…and you clearly are neither.”_
> 
> _He gasped softly, feeling something malignant swell within him, begging for a target, seeking retribution. But he maintained more control than he would in the near future. Instead of giving in, he took a deep breath and steadied himself – experiencing nausea as he came back down from the high._
> 
> _There was still enough of the boy his mother had raised inside of him to know that the last thing he wanted to do was harm you._
> 
> _But it seemed to be too late to hide where his emotions had taken him. He knew you’d felt the vengeful surge run through your body as well by the way you were gaping up at him. You were terrified – not for the first time in the night, but for the first time of him. And he hated it._
> 
> _“Ben I-.”_
> 
> _“Don’t.” He spoke softly. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed before plopping back down next to you._
> 
> _“I…I’m sorry.” You offered anyway._
> 
> _“I am too.”_
> 
> _You both sat in silence for some time. The fire in the lamp had started to go out, casting your shadows in unrecognizable, deformed shapes against the wall._
> 
> _Out of his periphery, he could see you suck in a breath to speak, but he passed a hand over your face before you got a word out – too afraid to hear what you had to say now that you’d seen and felt him at his worse._
> 
> _“You will not remember this night.” He spoke, his voice cracking slightly._
> 
> _You slouched. “I will not remember this night.”_
> 
> _“You will go to sleep.”_
> 
> _“I will go to sleep.”_
> 
> _He reached for you, catching you in his arms before you could fall forward, and pulled you back to cradle against his chest. With a sigh, he reached to grab your top robe and worked your arms back through the sleeves. Once he had it secured back around you, he lifted you bridal style and turned to place you down on the cot. His lips trembled as he pulled the covers back up around you – guilt swarming him as he remembered your terrified expression._
> 
> _I could’ve hurt her._
> 
> _He balled his fist at his sides and closed his eyes for a moment before reaching to gently tug his top out from underneath your head. Tying it, he made his way across the room to blow out the lamp and glanced back once before exiting the small hut._
> 
> _The next morning before lessons, he sat alone at a table in the mess hall eating breakfast. He felt you before he saw you. That carefree light energy seeping into his pores – it seemed to taunt him today. He glanced up as you came bouncing towards him and smiled sadly._
> 
> _“Hey!” You plopped down._
> 
> _“Hey.”_
> 
> _“I slept well last night.” You yawned and pulled a meiloorun fruit from your bag._
> 
> _“I’m sure you did.” He spoke flatly._
> 
> _Part of him wanted you to catch on to his mood so he could rant again. He’d been up all night replaying the scenario, but he knew his decision to take your memory had made that conversation final._
> 
> _He watched you pause mid-bite and place the fruit down before crossing your arms on the table and leaning in. “What’s wrong?”_
> 
> _“Nothing.” He forced a smile._
> 
> _You narrowed her eyes._
> 
> _“Something’s wrong.”_
> 
> _“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He grinned and stood from the table. You rolled your eyes but put your focus back on the fruit._
> 
> _“Oh, here.” He reached into his bag and rummaged through it until he retrieved a piece of paper._
> 
> _He placed it down before you and watched as your eyes widened._
> 
> _“Oh shit. I forgot about this.” You gripped the paper as you skimmed a couple of words._
> 
> _He noticed you didn’t pay attention to the title._
> 
> _“You went to bed early last night, and I figured you’d forget, so I typed this up.” He shifted awkwardly._
> 
> _“I don’t even remember falling asleep. I must have been exhausted. You saved my ass, Ben.”_
> 
> _He scratched his head, not knowing what to say. Then you both turned at the sound of someone else entering the hall._
> 
> _“Master Skywalker.” You spoke in unison._
> 
> _“Good morning.” Luke nodded and turned to you as you stood._
> 
> _“I hope you have the essay I requested.”_
> 
> _“Um…yes.”_
> 
> _Ben saw you glance at him before shoving the paper at his uncle._
> 
> _Luke took it and rubbed his beard - skimming a couple of sentences. “I asked for it to be handwritten” He flicked his gaze up to you, and Ben stiffened. “But I’ll let it slide…this is an interesting topic” he mused. “You chose to talk about…attachment?”_
> 
> _Ben could feel your anxiety as you internally begged not to be asked about the content of the essay. He watched you nod quickly and cross your arms behind your back._
> 
> _“I like this quote,” Luke spoke again. “The danger of attachment is that it prevents a Jedi from reaching their true destiny. It weakens their power by placing an individual desire over that of the intentions of the force.”_
> 
> _You swallowed again and flashed a toothy grin. Ben couldn’t help but snort and quickly glanced away._
> 
> _“It seems like you’re learning.” Luke smiled._
> 
> _He gave you both nods before walking off._
> 
> _Once he was out of earshot, you turned and hugged Ben tightly. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” You whispered into his chest._
> 
> _He stiffened and slowly raised his hands to pat your back. As you pulled away you glanced from side to side as if you were expecting the Jedi legend to re-emerge._
> 
> _“That wording sounded nothing like me. I don’t know how he bought that.” You chuckled._
> 
> _Ben gave a tight smile and began clearing up the table. “No…it sounds like you.”_
> 
> _There was an awkward silence that ensued, but he refused to meet your eyes as he continued to sweep away. Finally, you spoke._
> 
> _“Are you sure that nothing is wrong?”_
> 
> _“I’m sure.” He threw his bag back over his shoulder and looked up at last. “Let’s head to training.”_
> 
> _He offered a small smile and began leading the way._

Mini breakdown and mind manipulation aside, he could look back and find humor in the whole situation now. Your first time would’ve been catastrophic on that small cot and you both were so damn immature and repressed, that it most likely would’ve been a bland experience.

He was beyond satisfied with how it had actually played out - a perfect balance between tenderness and filth with a beautiful backdrop of the galaxy. Most satisfying to him, however, was that this time you had been the one to initiate it. 

Of course, he would’ve eventually made a move if you didn’t. How could he not with your bodies so close and your face so flushed with concern for him? But you’d kickstarted the moment with a kiss that had been quite dizzying, and from that point on he’d pretty much let his body do most of the talking.

A soft snore rumbled against him, and he glanced down at his chest where your head lay. You’d crawled on top of him at some point, and your warm body now cocooned him as you clung possessively. He smiled smugly, leaning down to kiss the top of your head. It also hadn’t gone unnoticed to him that this time, he hadn’t had to use the force to put you to sleep.

Your breasts were squished against him – nipples still perked as you lay peacefully, your body rising and falling with his deep breaths as he fought to stay awake, just to watch you at peace – his mind still buzzing from your praise and those three simple words you kept repeating.

_I love you._

His body was still reeling as well - from your scent, your taste, your touch, and the depths of you that he hadn't known were even reachable. You had opened up to him finally, and he was just now coming down from the euphoric shock of it all. He had you now. Everything had come full circle and he’d be damned if he let you slip away again – by his doing or your own.

He raised his hands to massage up and down your back as you stirred slightly. You threw your arms around his shoulders and wiggled your way back up to nuzzle your face into the crook of his neck. One of your hands moved into his hair as you got more situated, and he turned slightly to plant a sweet kiss to the inside your arm. Even though you were rather awkwardly situated on top of him, he was just happy to be enveloped in your warmth.

But guilt always seemed to find him, even when he was seemingly at peace. His hands grew clammy against your skin as the memory of what your first time could've been continued to play in his mind. He'd always known it was a major violation to take your memory of that night. But fear of losing you as a friend and fear of your reaction to the intensity of his dark signature had taken precedent in the moment. He never wanted you to know him that way.

He frowned realizing just how funny fate was. Years later and you'd gone on to see the absolute worse of him, and even now your relationship was...complicated. He pulled his hands back from your body, feeling all his self-doubts re-emerge.

A soft sigh escaped his lips as he laid his head back on the pillow. You shifted again and clutched him tighter as you pressed your forehead to his cheek. Your warm breaths fanned down his chest and across his nipples, immediately stirring something within him. His primal urges called to him, and he thought maybe he could find clarity between your thighs again. He started to nudge you awake, but as if on cue, there came a buzzing sound from one of the drawers on his bedside table. He tensed and dropped his head back on the pillow.

Being requested for a debriefing of the mission was the last thing that he wanted to do right now. Reliving the attack could wait…forever if it was up to him. He didn’t want to admit it, but part of him was truly shaken by the whole ordeal. He’d been responsible for wiping out entire Resistance squadrons and several fleets, so he knew he deserved everything he got. But still, he couldn't help but take this attack...personal.

He knew better than anyone, that the call for such an ambitious strike had to have come directly from command of the Resistance – his mother. And he damn near knew her attack strategy like a playbook of his own. He hadn’t sat through numerous lectures from her when he was a young boy to not know what an Organa crafted air strike looked like. She'd made sure he understood what had all been at stake in the previous war before he had his comfortable life as a Senator's son.

He reached for the datapad, trying not to stir you too much as tensions turned in his stomach – realizing that Leia was a discussion the two of you were going to have to dive back into soon. You still idolized her to his dismay. A few home visits back to Coruscant and you had practically become a part of the family. She and Han had taken to you like you were their own, but Leia had gone the extra-mile - letting you shadow her to Senate hearings whenever she could and always sprinkling little tidbits of wisdom here and there.

He’d seen guilt pool in your eyes each time the name “General Organa” was brought up in strategy meetings. If you needed another reason to resist your place in the First Order, being in opposition to her was it. There had been a tense private conversation early on about joining forces with Leia once it was all said it done. So optimistically, you had already started planning peace talks. And while he had always intended on sparing his mother in the end, he wasn’t exactly jumping at the idea of an allyship with her just yet. He had his reasons for resentment, and based on today's attack, they were still pretty valid.

He shook the thoughts from his head and focused on the bright screen before him now, swiping up and blinking his eyes to focus. His gaze darted around for the dreaded message calling him to the command center, but he didn’t find it. Most were about unimportant maintenance updates, and there was one from the medbay director urging him to consider returning for aid.

_Fuck that._

He swiped them all away agitatedly then paused – hovering his finger over the most recent message. His mouth grew dry as he skimmed the words. They made him want to put the pad back in the dresser and disintegrate the whole thing with just a twitch of his brow.

_Fuck..._

The Supreme Leader was requesting him for a holo-call.

He bit the inside of his cheek and glanced back down at you as a queasy feeling settled in his stomach. The timing was ironic, he had to admit, but there was nothing funny about it. He couldn’t seem to catch a damn break.

He pushed himself up slowly and began prying your fingers from around him, but you were stuck on him like glue -stubbornly grumbling in your sleep as he fought with your grasp. Each time he thought he had you off, you were crawling back on top of him, and while he found it adorable, it was insane that you were doing this all while still unconscious. Finally, he was able to get ahold of your waist and plop you down beside him. You frowned in your sleep, but eventually rested and settled with your back to him. He wiped his brow and let out a soft chuckle.

_Damn woman._

But you weren’t done yet. As soon as his feet hit the floor, he felt you stir again, and he sighed heavily before peeking back to find that you had pushed yourself up to face him. You rubbed your eyes and yawned.

“Baby, where are you going?” You whispered still half-sleep.

A normal man could relish in hearing his lover refer to him as an endearing term for the first time, but he was no such thing. Even as his fingers tingled and his cheeks reddened, a sickly feeling weighed down in his stomach – spoiling the moment.

He put on a fake smiled and ushered you back onto the mattress gently.

“Just to the refresher.” He promised as he reached to pull the covers back up over your shoulder.

You blinked at him a couple of times but eventually nodded – nuzzling back into the pillow without another word.

He swallowed and headed for his lounge area – his eyes adjusting enough in the dark to guide him as he kicked through all of the discarded clothing. His feet made contact with his sweats, and he quickly pulled them on. Stiff legs then led him to the huge wall to his right, but he paused for a moment to make sure you were still asleep. When you didn’t stir again, he turned back and extended an open palm towards the chrome material. Slowly, it began opening– metal quietly shifting apart to reveal a large room.

To the average eye, it was nothing but a walk-in closet, but as he moved forward dim lights flickered on with each step, revealing a second hidden entrance behind a rack of his cloaks.

He grabbed one to pull on and brushed past the others to press his palm against the door. It lit up at his touch and immediately opened into another room that was much smaller and extremely bare. Its centerpiece was nothing more than a bleak shrine – a shrine he’d spent numerous hours seeking counsel from – counsel that never seemed to come. He stared at the charred, dented mask, eyes narrowing as he took a seat on the stool across from it.

“Any words of wisdom, grandfather?”

“…”

“Right...”

He shook his head – cursing himself for still believing that a ghost could somehow aid him. Not even the living seemed capable of such a task – well except for you. And you were what was most at stake right now. Depending on the direction that this conversation took, you could be in danger. Clearing his mind, not agitating it, was what he needed to do if he was going to keep up the façade of allegiance to Snoke.

A brief meditation later and he was propping the datapad up on the edge of the shrine just out of the way of the ash pit. Leaning in to catch his reflection in the glass, he quickly fixed his hair and tried his best to shake away the freshly-fucked look. He pulled the cloak tighter around his body to hide some of the scratch marks you’d gifted him and finally pressed the button to take the call.

Snoke beamed up from the device a second later – projected as a translucent and crackling image about 12 inches high. His presence still domineering nonetheless.

Kylo slid off the stool and knelt in respect instinctively.

“Oh, let’s skip the formalities shall we?” Snoke’s voice came – his tone already laced in that cold teasing that left his apprentice with more anxiety than solace.

Kylo peered up through his fallen hair and slowly pushed himself back onto the stool– his breath already quickening in pace.

The grainy projection smiled at him tightly. “…How are you, my boy? I received word of the attack on your life. I meant to contact you earlier, but I had other matters to tend to.”

_Of course, you did._

“I’m fine, Master.”

Snoke narrowed his eyes, appearing to lean in for better inspection.

“You look as if nothing happened…”

There was a brief pause, then came the first lie. “The medical team was most efficient. I received immediate aid.”

The ghoul furrowed his brow and rubbed his lips. “Your scar…it’s gone too.”

Kylo blinked and reached up to touch his face – fingers gliding over smooth rejuvenated skin.

_She fixed that too..._

He fought the twitch that pulled at his lips and kept a stony face.

“I was unaware, but I suppose the medical droids did some experimentation while I was unconscious.”

Snoke peered harder, not seeming convinced.

“Hmm…you look rather weak without it, like the scared child you once were…”

Kylo remained silent. How the fuck was he supposed to respond to that?

Snoke waved his hand absently at the insult as if it had been nothing more than an afterthought. “Nonetheless, I’m sure today has been an awakening for you…”

Kylo swallowed slowly, shifting on the stool as images of your naked body squirming beneath him flashed through his mind. He cleared his throat.

“Yes…yes I would say so.”

“Mentally, how are you?”

“I am well, Master. I’ve never had more clarity than I do now.”

“…But surely you’re upset.”

He blinked. Why did it always go this way? Why was it so pertinent to Snoke that he be miserable?

His Master continued – his voice fading in and out as the connection wavered.

“An attack so direct and intentional like that…from your own mother…”

Kylo averted his gaze.

“And to think, for so long you questioned me about her affection for you.”

“We are at war, Master…I’d expect nothing less.”

“Yes, yes, but you see now that I was right, don’t you? That she never could’ve grown to understand you.”

“Yes…Master.”

“And the girl…”

His gaze flicked back to the projection without hesitation – his stare suddenly colder and stronger than before. You were an entirely different subject.

“How is she coming along?”

He restrained the bite in his tone. “Just fine. Her commitment to me…” He caught himself. “…her commitment to the First Order is…unrivaled.”

“Good…That’s good to hear. I look forward to finally meeting her in the flesh.”

_Not if I can help it._

Snoke continued with amusement. “Such a fiery spirit she is. To think Skywalker had two of the strongest Jedi in his care and somehow lost you both. When we find him, he is sure to be broken from his failure.”

Kylo blinked realizing how the search for Luke had so easily slipped his mind. That was how this had all started, where most of his resentment stemmed from. His uncle was one area where master and apprentice remained in agreement. He still wanted him dead.

He shifted forward on the stool. “Have you gained any more information on his whereabouts?”

Snoke sneered. “My informants are still searching. The old fool is good at hiding, but I am sure his shame will run him out soon enough.”

Kylo nodded. He hoped it would. But there was an even more pressing matter at the moment.

“Master, about the attack today…it’s apparent that the Resistance is in contact with someone here in our ranks.”

“Yes, yes. I know.” Snoke nodded calmly, not appearing at all like this was a major concern. “That’s why I’m primarily reaching out. General Hux has offered to conduct a full investigation into the situation. And for the time being, I feel it’s in your best interest to base off of the Finalizer for a while. It is not safe for you there, and to lose you now, would be most…unfortunate.”

Kylo straightened, panicking at the idea that his plan may be thwarted – or worse that the two of you might be separated again. But he kept his voice steady.

“Where shall I go?”

“I’m still deciding. It will be somewhere where we have established connections – somewhere you can lay low and gather intel, perhaps. It may be more than one location to reduce the risk of being trailed, but I will keep you updated. Now, as for the girl-”

“She goes wherever I go.” Kylo blurted before he could think and immediately pressed his lips together.

Snoke paused and sat back, grinning slightly. “I see the Master has become rather fond of his apprentice….however, it is necessary that she stay. I’ll be returning shortly, and her training will resume under me.”

Kylo closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“No.”

He waited. The seconds ticked by and he slowly gained the courage to reopen his lids, finding his Master’s projection scrutinizing him with an amused expression.

“…What?”

He swallowed and shifted again as the sharp edge of the stool began to cut against his thighs.

“Master…I am forever in debt to you. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without your guidance...” He tried hard not to spit the words out. “But I ask now, that you trust my resolve.” He paused trying to gauge a reaction. “Our abilities are best coupled together. Let me bring her with me, and together we’ll grow stronger in the force. And when we return…we’ll be prepared to do what is necessary to destroy our one true enemy, once and for all.”

Snoke narrowed his eyes, tapping his spiderlike fingers against his lips. The holo fizzled as the silence endured. Eventually, he spoke.

“So confident in your commitment to each other, are you? How sure are you that she’s truly turned?”

Kylo’s heartbeat sped up, but he maintained eye contact. This is what he feared – that the plot had been found out. Snoke pressed on.

“How sure are you that she won’t kill you and run as soon as you touch land? How sure are you that she’s actually _chosen_ you?”

At that, he blinked to keep his eye from twitching. He hadn’t thought about the possibility that it was you who was plotting against him, seducing him all this time just to plan out the coldest revenge. It’s what he would do. He still hadn't truly forgiven himself for what he’d done. Should he really assume that you had?

He squeezed his fist in his lap to pump blood back into his cold palms – trying desperately to simulate the warmth he’d felt from you just minutes ago.

_We are a unit. He knows nothing._

“Do you think I don’t know?”

He glanced up, heart-stopping. He had to be more careful with his thoughts. A few tense seconds passed with Snoke just staring at him, donning an expression that was neither accusatory nor approving.

“Your interest in the girl goes far beyond your purpose to train her in the ways of the dark side…That is rather clear.”

Kylo took a breath – relieved that that was all he thought. Snoke raised his hand to keep him from speaking.

“There is no need to deny it. I do not fault you. A young man such as yourself is bound to seek out companionship in such a way….I just hope your physical urges don’t make you forget the code you swore an oath to.”

He shifted again, growing uncomfortable at the implication.

“Peace is a lie, there is only passion,” Snoke spoke slowly. “Remember those words? Hm?”

Kylo worked his jaw and nodded.

“So whatever _serenity_ you may think you have found with or _within_ the girl…do not be so _eager_ to chase it. It’s an illusion. You should always assume she is your enemy.”

For a moment he blanked and spoke without thinking.

“I trust her with my life.” He snarled.

_Idiot._

Snoke chuckled, unbothered by the sharp tone.

“Do you?”

Kylo swallowed.

“Or the question maybe should be, does she trust you with hers? I mean your history is rather…complicated.”

An uncomfortable silence settled and Kylo started to feel the beginning of a headache coming on. He grimaced and rubbed his forehead. All the sweet praises exchanged between the two of you just an hour ago seemed pointless all of a sudden. He wondered if he'd convinced himself for his own sake that you had chanted those three words.

Snoke cut back in - happy to stoke the flame of doubt.

“But if you insist on taking her along, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt." He sighed. "Who knows. Perhaps you’ll gain better insight into where her loyalties lie…I’ll leave her fate to you, and _yours_ to her.” He grinned slyly, cocking his head to observe his apprentice’s reaction.

Kylo cleared his throat and focused his attention on the floor.

_What the fuck is going on right now?_

Then Snoke’s tone switched back to one of disinterest as if he hadn't just encouraged dissension between his two prodigies.

“Nonetheless, I hope you continue to improve in health, my young apprentice. The information on the assignment will be sent shortly.”

And at that, the holo cut off, and Kylo sat there for a moment unmoving, processing the mind-fuck that he'd just experienced.

Eventually, he stood and made his way out of the space wielding the door closed behind himself gently – mind still swarmed and body still on edge. He turned hoping he hadn’t woken you, but of course, he found you wide awake, sitting up wrapped snuggly in the covers, waiting for him.

He swallowed – praying to the Gods that you hadn’t heard that conversation. Your eyes were visible, but your expression was a mystery to him and that made him antsier. He opened his mouth to speak as he approached but stilled, noticing for the first time that you had a death grip on something in your lap. Your legs were crossed, so he couldn’t fully make out the shape.

He spoke your name softly, trying to hide the trimmer in his voice as he stepped closer.

A sudden flash of red light blinded him, and he jerked back blinking rapidly as his saber sprang to life in your hands. Your eyes were wide with wonder as the red glow lit up your features.

He stood frozen – heart galloping at a thunderous pace as he raised his hands impulsively. So many thoughts were going through his mind as he processed the sight of you.

_She wouldn’t…would she?_

Your eyes gleamed over the weapon one last time and then trained themselves back on him. What he could make out in your expression wasn’t a look of murder. It was more so curiosity, but that didn’t make him any less unnerved. It was eerie seeing the red light cast across your face, and dare he say…strangely arousing.

“Don’t look so scared. I just wanted to hold it.” Your soft laughter came. “It always looked so ridiculous, but I actually like the design.” You mumbled as you moved the blade slowly.

He let out a puff of air and lowered his hands with hesitation – still on guard.

Where you’d even gotten it from was beyond him. He thought the thing had been destroyed in the attack, but clearly it had been salvaged and brought back to his quarters at some point when he was in the medbay. That just made him antsier. Who the hell had entered his quarters?

“Where did you find that?” He demanded.

You glanced up innocently. “It was in your dresser.”

“Why were you going through my dresser?”

“Babe…”

“Why…were you going through my dresser?” He repeated.

It wasn’t like anything was in it that he didn’t want you to see, but the seeds of worry that had been sprinkled in his mind were already beginning to take root.

Your eyes narrowed, the red light still flickering across your face.

“Why were you coming from that direction when you said you were going to the refresher?”

You had him there, but he wasn’t going to be deterred.

“I don’t have to answer to you. You’re in my quarters. Now answer me.” He snapped.

He watched you swallow and drop your eyes before extinguishing the saber. Its hum died out, leaving you two in uncomfortable silence.

“I thought you might have some capsules. I have a slight headache, but you’re right…I shouldn’t have gone poking through your things. This is your space, and I’m sorry.” Your words sounded sincere.

He remained unmoving still – literally having to walk himself back down from seeing red. A long stare passed, then he wordlessly went into the refresher to grab some pain capsules and returned, extending the bottle to you.

“I’m sorry too.” He spoke softly, watching you pop it open.

“It’s okay. Today has been a lot for you, and things are still triggering. I shouldn’t have done that…it was stupid.”

He glanced over and noticed you’d sat the hilt back on top of the table. His feet shifted anxiously.

“It…it wasn’t too heavy for you?”

You shook your head as you swallowed down a pill. He noticed that your eyes stayed on him - clearly just as on edge as he was. He cursed softly. What a way to greet each other after sex. The bubble of bliss had been successfully popped. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, knowing he had to get you all back on track. You’d come too far.

Stepping forward, he smirked as he spoke. “So if we’re ever in battle and I throw it to you, do you think you could handle it?”

You returned the smirk as you laid your glass of water down.

“I think I’ve made it pretty obvious that I can handle anything you throw at me.”

He watched as you let the sheets fall back down around you – exposing your body for his pleasure. You uncrossed your legs slowly and spread them with an inviting look.

He inched closer and took ahold of your neck, tilting it back to get a better look at the love bites he’d decorated you with earlier.

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

“…We’ll see.” He whispered.

You cocked your brow and pulled from his hold to sit up on your knees. He held his breath as you leaned forward, peering up at him with those big pretty eyes. You began peppering slow soft kisses down his abdomen, holding his gaze like the good girl you were until you stopped just above his waistband. He waited silently for your next move, enjoying your forwardness. A second later, you tugged at the material and peered down at his throbbing length with parted lips. Your eyes flicked back up to him - his longing already reflected in your stare.

"Take these off." You whispered.

That was all the cue he needed. He slowly stepped out of his sweats, wanting to watch your face flush in anticipation. Your eyes stayed glued on his cock once it sprang out, even as he made a show of removing his cloak. He could tell by the way you were salivating, that you were desperate to taste him, but that would have to wait.

Right now, what he wanted was to sink back into you and lose all sense of his worries like he had before. He took hold of your face to tear your gaze up to his, squeezing your cheeks to watch your lips pucker out.

"Such pretty lips." He murmured, turning your face from side to side as he admired. "Don’t worry. I'll put them to good use soon, but right now...I want you bent over on your knees."

He watched your pulse point as you nodded quickly, still in his grip.

"So eager..." He groaned.

He gave your cheeks one more squeeze then turned you loose so you could flip over, but you remained seated, chewing on your bottom lip like something was bothering you.

"Oh, my Gods." You gasped softly.

He tensed. "What?”

"Condoms!"

Your voice was slightly panicked, and he cracked a smile realizing where you were going with this. But before he could quell your concern, you started speaking quickly.

"We didn't use any type of protection the first time, and as fucking amazing as that felt, I'm not ready to have any mini-yous running around here. Why didn’t we think of that?! OH MY GODS! I can't be a mom, Kylo! I just can’t! Not anytime soon! I can’t!"

He stared down at you as you blabbered on - his smile stretching wider, watching your face get more and more flushed. You looked so cute, but you were about to give him a fucking headache.

“Calm down. Calm down. I have one.” He interjected finally, cupping your cheeks to reel you back in.

“A condom?”

“No, an implant.”

He watched your eyes widen and he laughed.

“…They make those for men now?”

“Yes, babe.”

You chewed your bottom lip, something clearly still bothering you.

“But…you said I was your first.”

He chuckled softly and pulled back to scratch his head. “You are. I…um. I got it a little while ago because well…I just assumed...”

He didn’t even need to finish because your smirk told him you knew his meaning.

“So, how does the implant work for men?” You asked genuinely.

He shook his head in slight disbelief. You really wanted to have a conversation about the male anatomy while it was quite literally hanging in your face. But at this point, the topic of discussion had become uncomfortably swollen, and he was growing tired of your endearingly, ill-timed curiosity.

“Trust me, you don’t want to know. Now come here!”

He pounced before you could get another word out, and the room filled with laughter and squeals a moment later.

* * *

He massaged your neck gently, watching water droplets trickle down your back through half-lidded eyes.

“So Snoke is sending us off to gather intel?” You yawned.

“Mhm.”

You both were enjoying a hot bath at the moment, filled with all types of salts and oils gifted from conquered planets - items he'd never cared to use. But as soon as you'd gotten into his cabinets and found the untouched luxuries, you'd sprinkled the water in a nice mix of soothing aromas, and he was feeling the impact now as his eyes struggled to stay open.

He'd never felt more deservedly tired in his life. You’d been the one to wear him out this time, having indeed handled everything he'd thrown at you. But at the slightest mention of your neck hurting, he'd fought to stay awake to soothe away the pain.

You seemed to sense his exhaustion and reached back for one of his hands, pulling it under the foamy water to stroke it with your thumb. He dropped the other one and closed his eyes.

“Does he have any clue who the spy might be?”

“He claims Hux is going to run an investigation.” He shrugged.

“Pfft. It’s probably him.”

He peeked out of one eye. “That weasley bastard wouldn’t dare try.”

“He does resemble a weasel, doesn’t he?”

Kylo grumble in agreement and rested his head back on the wall as you re-situated yourself in between his legs, just chattering away.

“I think this could be good for us though. Going off on our own for a while, learning how to negotiate as a team.”

He watched your toes peek out of the water as you squirmed around, and he chuckled softly.

"Would you sit still?"

"I'm trying."

“Mhm.”

When you finally settled, you spoke again.

“Maybe while we’re there we can make some allies and start laying the groundwork for the future.”

He sighed heavily. “That’s a dangerous game to play…too many still swear allegiance to the Supreme Leader.”

“Well, what type of legitimacy are we going to have once he’s gone if we don’t start establishing connections now?”

“We’ll figure that out when we get there.”

“I think we need to start now. You promised me no more bloodshed. I don’t want to fight with anyone else once it’s all said and done. We need allies and networks if we’re going to successfully establish a peaceful… _democracy_.” You mumbled the last part.

His eyes shot open. “A democracy?!”

Some of the water splashed over the edge as he pushed back up. He was wide awake now. You tensed in his lap, and he took a slow breath to hold back some of the bite in his tone.

“We’ve talked about this…”

You sighed. “Would it be so bad though? Us restoring balance and then handing back all the responsibility.”

He sneered. “So what? Another war can break out after someone inevitably decides they have a claim to the galaxy again?”

You shifted against him and grumbled softly. You were silent for a moment as you thought.

“Maybe…we could set a precedent so all this back and forth ends. It keeps happening because cocky force sensitives always try and play politics. But imagine _us_ as a _dyad_ rejecting that type of control, Kylo. Imagine the message that would send!”

He sighed.

"Come on!"

“And what are we supposed to do then? Wait to be charged for war crimes when they decide ridding the galaxy of Snoke and relinquishing power isn't enough?” He shot back.

“I feel like you’d be pardoned - ”

“Just me?!” He snorted. “You don’t think you’d be tried too?”

You pushed up and turned to face him with a scalding glare. “I haven’t killed anyone!”

“ _Yet_.” He spoke curtly. “And your association with me is enough for cause…trust me.”

He waited for you to respond, but he could tell you hadn’t thought about any of that. Your gaze dropped and you slowly turned back around, pressing into his chest again. He continued.

“Okay, let’s say _we_ are pardoned. What do we do then? Play security for the new government whenever threats arise like the old Jedi? No thanks. I’d rather we just assume power. We’re done taking orders and fighting other peoples' battles."

Silence, once again.

He drummed his fingers on the edge of the tub and watched your shoulders rise and slouch with defeat. But he wasn’t at all happy to have won the argument. Here the two of you were back to bickering as if you hadn’t been sweating each other out for hours prior.

_Peace is a lie. There is only passion._

Those words had never seemed truer. It seemed the two of you only met in harmony in those moments of heat - tangled and panting as you coached each other through to the very end. Those were the only instances he wanted tension with you, though – not like this, arguing over hypotheticals. He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you tighter against his chest, resting his chin against your temple.

“Listen, babe. When the time comes, we will discuss all of this, and I promise I’ll fight to make sure we pursue the most ethical path. But what I need from you right now, is to know that you’ll have my back in public – that none of this talk will find its way into any of the conversations we may have on this trip. The day you took my hand, we became a unit. That was our promise.”

“And I plan to uphold that promise as long as we also promise to be honest with each other in private. No secrets.” You shot back softly.

He swallowed as he thought back to the memory he’d stolen from you and the ominous conversation with Snoke.

“…Of course.”

His datapad suddenly buzzed on the small bench beside the tub and he reached for it, but you snatched it from his fingers before he got a chance to see the message. He sighed and sat up a bit to peer over your shoulder – forcing himself to practice _honesty_.

“Oh, I need your code.” You mumbled.

He chuckled and reached past to put it in. Your fingers immediately started swiping aggressively until you opened the message.

“Canto fucking Bight.” You groaned.

He took the tablet from your hand and looked at the message. Sure enough, that was what was listed, as well as instructions to investigate any Resistance arms deals taking place. He yawned casually – not particularly surprised or moved by the location and assignment. It made sense since it was the hub for most of those types of transactions.

“I thought I’d seen the last of that place.” You sighed.

He frowned “Why? Have you been? I found you on Jakku. Isn’t that where you’ve always been since…you know.” His voice trailed off.

“No, no. This was way before, during those 6 months I left the temple after that blowout with Luke over being assigned sanitation duty. Remember?”

He chuckled. He remembered that time well. He'd almost left in search for you. “What happened there?" 

You raised your hands out of the water and played with your nails, absently. “Oh…I might’ve befriended a lavish businesswoman who betted on the races.”

He frowned, but you continued.

“And let’s just say…that on a couple of occasions, I might have used the force to help her picks get past the finish line…”

He pushed up in the water, turning you to look at him a bit.

“You what?!”

“I needed a place to stay, okay! I’m not proud of it either.”

He just stared at you for a moment.

“I’m trying to practice this whole honesty thing with you, and I’m feeling very judged!” You crossed your arms.

“Alright, alright. But using the force to win bets…?” He sat back and blew air between his lips.

“I just know you are not talking...” You huffed.

He closed his mouth and slouched further down.

“I just know you aren’t…”

You both were silent for a moment. Eventually, he felt your fingers curl around his under the water and he clutched you back. He would always prefer proximity to you, even when you were at each other’s throats.

You yawned softly and spoke. “If she’s still there, she’d be a wonderful resource to gather intel from. She seemed to have her hand in a lot of pots when she employed me.”

“What’s her name?”

“Qi’ra.”

“Qi’ra what?”

“I don’t know, she just always told me to call her Qi’ra. She’s an older woman, but she has crazy connections. Trust me.”

He chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment.

“Do you think she’s in on any arms deal networks?”

“She was loaded, so probably.”

“Alright. She’ll be the first person we seek out when we get there.”


	14. What You Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something bitter gathered on your tongue, and as you swallowed, it settled in your belly, causing a vengeful ache to shudder through you. Your eyes flicked back open, and you knew then that you'd just plummeted to one of the levels of the force Luke had always warned about. You panicked, trying to claw your way back out, but it felt like you were watching yourself now, no longer in control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This chapter is long as hell and wore me out, but I really enjoyed writing it. That’s what has taken so long, so I do apologize. But hey! We kick things off with smut 😈 and get some major character development, so I think it was worth it. 😅

“Don’t...” You panted. “Fuck!...Don’t you fucking dare.”

Kylo smirked up at you as perspiration beaded on his forehead. He was fighting his hardest to break the force hold you had him in. Sweat rolled down your collarbone as you fought just as hard to keep him locked in. It splattered onto his chest, making your palms slippier as you braced yourself against him, letting your fingers graze over his scattered moles. You rocked your hips and moaned softly as you rode him at a slow pace - one that ensured your satisfaction and his torment. He groaned and cursed under his breath as his irritation with his predicament became more and more apparent.

You reached to keep his hands pinned at the side of his head, lacing your fingers with his and hoping that would help hold him. However, it was evident that he was slowly gaining strength just as quickly as you were losing yours. You could feel your senses waning as you chased your climax, but you needed every second to matter.

The days leading up to your departure had been pretty lax, providing plenty of opportunities for you to sneak into each others’ quarters. In the time, you’d done some exploring, becoming more comfortable in your sexuality and taking charge in whichever bedroom you found yourself. And while you had a willing partner, he always found a way to remind you who ran the show. As he was attempting to now. 

It was all due to pint up tension. The flight to Canto Bight had been on a much smaller yet fully staffed ship, so brief meetings in the refresher in between shift changes had been all you could manage. In the exposed cockpit is where the two of you had spent most of your time, sending very explicit telepathic descriptions of all you wanted to do to each other upon arrival. It had been torture. So as soon as check-in was completed, all clothes had been ripped off and all promises were kept. 

He’d agreed to the force hold _initially_ – seeming eager to let you have your way with him, but now he was growing impatient, trying to test your skills and gain dominance. You weren’t having any of it, seeing this as an opportunity to not only release some stress but to also flex your growing powers. 

Call it _…training?_

Eyes flickering with mischief glanced from your flushed face down to where you were settled on top of him now – taking his cock at your own teasing pace. His hips bucked up unexpectedly and you gasped, feeling him tap against the spot you had been denying him access. He was starting to break through again.

“Fuck.”

You tried to focus on maintaining control and leaned forward, rolling your hips at a slower rhythm, and savoring the way you had total control over the ache in your lower belly. You were so very close, but you wanted to take your time. It wasn’t often that you were able to hold him this long. If he would just let you have your way, he could take the lead in a few moments.

But he was stubborn. One by one, his fingers began curling up around yours as he kept pushing back. He was able to lift his head just a bit, aiming to catch one of your nipples in his mouth, but you quickly sent his head falling back into the mattress with a gentle nudge from the force. 

You smirked and slowed your pace down even more just to spite the bastard. His brow furrowed, and his lips parted slightly as a growl of frustration tore from him. You had to admit, there was something erotic about seeing him helpless like this. You liked the way you were able to reduce him to such a needy state. He usually tried to maintain an air of indifference, but there was always an eagerly submissive look in his eyes whenever he let you pin him.

“You love this, don’t you? Being restricted.” You panted and released his hands to place yours back on his chest. 

Your thighs clenched tighter at his sides as your fingers began to massage up and down, teasing his nipples leisurely. Each time you ran your fingers over the hardened buds, you felt him jolt.

“I need…to touch you. Fuck. I need release, dammit.” He groaned.

The rasp in his tone acted as a catalyst, sending a signal straight to your core, and for a brief moment you considered turning him loose. Your big man was desperate to touch you, _needed_ to actually. You chewed your bottom lip, conflicted. 

“Maybe if you beg…I’ll release you.” 

His look of distress morphed into a scowl, and an angry vein bulged on his forehead as he strained harder beneath you. Even near the edge of coming undone, he was still the most headstrong person you’d ever known. 

“Never.” He swallowed and shook his head from side to side. “I won’t beg.” 

You narrowed your eyes and stopped rocking your hips. He gulped.

“Well then…”

You lifted slightly then lowered back down on his cock agonizingly slow, watching his eyes dilate further and his lips twitch with greed. You almost wavered again but remained determined to make him pay for even daring break the hold.

You whimpered softly as you resettled, feeling the pulse in your walls resume. 

“Damn you!” He snarled. 

“Oh, don’t be like that. I’ll let you have your way in a moment. Just be good for me right now.” You cooed, reaching up to tap his forehead. 

Gently, your finger trailed down the bridge of his nose, all the way to his lips until you began plucking at the bottom one playfully. He snapped his teeth in an attempt to bite at you but was too slow, just missing as you pulled away. 

“Mr. Ren," You gasped. "That’s no way to behave.” 

To punish him even further, you pressed your palm on his cheek and turned his head, forcing him to watch the salacious act in the large bedside mirror. He struggled underneath your hold for a moment, but eventually gave in, letting out grunts of frustration that quickly turned into soft whimpering moans. Even if he tried to deny it, he was undoubtedly entranced with the image of you pleasuring yourself on top of him.

You decided to keep poking at him while you still had control. It wouldn’t be long before you were the one throwing a fit.

“Look at that…how I’m taking you." You whispered as you bounced. "Gods you feel so good. You’re stretching me so perfectly…ah fuck…just imagine what you could do to me if I let you go.”

He writhed but stayed pretty restrained. You could feel him swallow beneath your hand.

“Please…”

“Please, what?”

He growled softly “No!” 

“…So stubborn.” 

You released his face and got back to work fucking yourself with his cock. After a while, you detected the familiar sensation you'd been stalling, feeling it expand out to almost every limb and tear through you in one large, shuddering explosion. You cried out and slumped forward a bit, letting your palms brace at the side of his head as you rode out the last waves lazily until you were left panting and trembling. You wiped your brow when you'd gathered yourself and refocused to find his eyes shooting daggers up at you. You smirked feeling him still inside, twitching. He was trying to hold out for a more dignified chance to cum, but you had other plans. 

Slowly, you let him slide out all the way, but quickly positioned yourself back on top, letting his length part your dripping fold. You let it slide back and forth, coating him in your slick as he continued to throb underneath you. 

He hissed your name in frustration, “I swear…” 

Your lips moved faster than your brain.

“Shut up, slut!” You spat.

As soon as the words flew out, you slapped your hand over your mouth – mortified and confused as to where your burst of aggression had come from. 

His eyes widened and the left one twitched ever so subtly, but to your surprise, a small smile pulled at his lips.

“…Go on.”

You gulped and continued hesitantly, trying to find the right words. “Uh…you’re the one who’s restrained and…and covered in my cum…I'll release you when I feel like it!” 

His brow raised and he swallowed slowly, remaining quiet. His cock seemed to grow even harder beneath you.

That made you gain even more confidence. “Now…shut your mouth before I sit on your face and make you.”

He licked his lips and full-on smirked.

“Is that supposed to be a threat?”

Feeling a bit more daring, you bit the bate.

“You _would_ like that, wouldn’t you? You’re always so desperate for a taste.”

But the teasing had all been calculated. In your eagerness to re-seat yourself, you’d lost your focus on your hold. You felt his hands shoot for your hips before you even got past his waist.

_Shit._

He threw you off and sat up in one quick motion. And the next thing you knew, you were bent over on your knees and being dragged back by your ass. He immediately pressed into you, pushing past your walls impatiently, and started stroking at a pace that forced an unnatural arch into your back. 

You gasped and threw your head back, clutching at the sheets and cursing yourself for being so foolish. 

His hands moved to your hips as he picked up more speed, slamming you back against him with each thrust. In between strokes, he spoke. 

“You thought…you could keep _my_ hands…off this body? Hm?...Trying…trying to taunt me like that?”

You shifted on your knees, trying to give yourself room to adjust, but he took ahold of some of your hair and tugged.

"Ah, ah, ah. No running." 

With his other hand, he cupped under your stomach keeping you steady so you couldn’t wiggle away again. Then he turned your hair loose and shoved your face back down into the sheets, but kept your ass up as he pounded into you mercilessly. Your legs gave out almost immediately and you collapsed under him. He was quick to resettle though, giving you little time to recoup. Instantly, his weight was placed right on top, and he pushed one of your thighs up for easier access. 

As he repositioned himself at your entrance, you could hear the strain in his breathing with each inch he plunged in. He was forcing himself to go slow, trying to make this last. Trying to get more out of you. The hand cupping your stomach fought with the covers until made its way down to your clit, teasing the already overstimulated bud. You bucked beneath him letting the sheets swallow your moans. He then moved the other hand up and pried your fingers back from clutching the pillow. His fingers laced around yours before he started fucking you again, this time, less frantic and more tamed. Sensually. Letting the wet slick sounds fill the room and mix with the soft groans spilling from both of you. 

After a few respectful strokes, he picked back up his speed slightly and pulled his hand back from yours. It found a new hold around your neck as he lifted your ear to his mouth.

“Who’s the slut now?” He hissed. 

Even though you were extremely satisfied with the position you were in, you were still agitated by his trickery. 

“You’re a fucking cheater.” You whined. 

“Why? Because I don’t need the force to dominate you?” He chuckled. “You’ve still got much to learn _my apprentice_.”

“You’re not my fucking master.”

“ _Oh?_ ”

He rutted into you hard, and you let out a breathy moan.

His voice returned darker. “That’s what I thought. Now shut your fucking mouth and take this dick.”

And that’s what you did as your body shuddered with each wave he sent through you. His thrust seemed to go deeper and deeper like he was trying to claim every part of you there was to be discovered. Sweat pooled between your bodies, making his presence warmer and more menacing on top of you, but that’s what you loved about it. Being dominated. Being shielded. Even with all your courage, you still liked the idea of being handled, and handle you he did.

He let go of your neck and laced his fingers with yours again. His other hand picked up speed on your clit, and tears began pricking in your eyes. Your grip on the sheets grew tighter and tighter as you felt the pressure building up again. But you didn't know if you had the energy to release like that again. 

You felt a sharp pain on your back and cried out, quickly realizing that he was biting you. The ache there shot straight to your core, and you felt your legs begin to tremble. His heavy breathing was just another sensory detail, making it sting more, making you clench more. You loved this. Feeling him everywhere, experiencing him everywhere.

“Come on. I know you’ve got more in you.” He whispered. “I need you to cum…for _me_ this time.” 

His finger kept up its steady pace, unrelenting as he coached you through your second orgasm.

“Kylo…aahhh, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

The second wave was rockier and not as pretty as the first one. You twisted and thrashed beneath him, gasping into the sheets as he clung to you tightly. 

“There it is. There it fucking is.” He hissed, tearing his hand away from your clit to grip your waist, keeping you steady so he wouldn’t slip out. 

He nipped at the back of your ear as he picked up his own pace, taking advantage of your tight spasming walls. 

“Fuck you feel so good. Fuck.” 

You felt him start hitting his peak. As he came, he pushed up a bit and dragged your hips back so he could let his cum bottom you out. You sighed into the sheets as he did, feeling splendidly used as his rugged groans filled your ears. As it began to taper off, he pulled out suddenly and let some of it hit your back.

“Now who’s covered in whose cum?” You could practically hear his smirk. 

You giggled into the sheets and let your hips fall back down. He quickly collected what had fallen there and flipped your over with the other hand.

“Open.”

You peeled away a piece of hair that had been sticking to your face and blinked up at him. He had his fingers outstretched dripping with the fluid for your enjoyment.

“Can I catch my breath?” You grumbled, keeping up the act.

“You had so much to say earlier, but now you need a moment? Open your fucking mouth!”

You huffed then parted your lips slightly as he stuffed them in. The tangy flavor hit your tongue immediately. 

“Suck. Don't act like you haven't been salivating for a taste the whole flight.”

You didn’t hesitate, sucking slowly and holding his gaze until he plucked them out. 

“Good girl.” He patted your cheek and shifted down, hovering on top of you. “…now kiss me.”

“You’re disgusting.” 

He grabbed your face and pulled your lips to his, pushing his tongue through before you could offer any more insults. Then pulled back with a wicked smile. 

“And you love it.”

You did.

He caught your lips again, this time biting down on your bottom one as he tugged gently. When he released, you felt the slight sting of a cut, and immediately the taste of blood hit your tongue once you licked your lips. 

You slapped his chest. “Why are you biting me so much today?” 

He reached to wipe at it with his thumb. 

“Ow.”

“I’m marking you." He whispered. "One on your back and one right here, so everyone knows to stay the fuck back tonight.”

You rolled your eyes as he settled and tugged you into his damp chest, cocooning you like he always did after one of your matches. 

You were exhausted and rightfully so. And while you’d learned your lesson this time, that didn’t stop you from plotting your next chance to make him fully beg. You had an inkling he was excited for the next opportunity too. 

He pulled you closer so that you were nestled in the crook of his neck and started stroking your arm as he hummed.

“I wasn’t too rough, was I?”

You yawned. “No. Not at all, I loved it.” You thought for a moment back to your outburst. “Sorry for calling you a slut. I know I started the name-calling. I don’t know where the hell that came from.”

He chuckled. “No, no. I liked it…I am your _slut._ ”

You smiled wide.

“…And you’re mine.”

“…Mhm.”

He laughed softly and switched his hand over so his knuckles grazed your skin. You began to drift off, but he nudged you a bit. 

“Don’t fall asleep. We have to start getting ready soon.”

Your eyes fluttered back open and you laid there rested with your forehead pressed to his lips, trying to stay awake. 

After a while, you spoke. “Why do you think I’m still struggling with holding you?”

“Well, I’m stronger in general.” He murmured.

You pinched his arm and he laughed before pulling back to get a better look at you.

“But there’s also a lack of concentration…and discipline on your part. You were so focused on tormenting me that you forget your original intention.”

You stuck out your chin and rolled your eyes. 

He pressed his forehead against you and nuzzled his nose against yours whispering, “But there are ways to get everything you want. You just have to dig deeper. It takes time. Don’t worry…we’ll practice again soon.”

Your breathing slowed, as you began to get riled up again. “How soon?” 

“How about when we get back later, and I rip that gown off of you?” 

You hummed in agreement and nuzzled in closer.

* * *

An hour later and you were turning in the mirror, admiring yourself in _that_ gown. It was one of many new additions to your wardrobe, packed specifically for this trip. Going through the perfectly pressed items had been a thrill, and it was evident who’d had it all arranged. It was also clear that he had every intention of relieving most of the pieces from your body at some point during the trip. 

The gown of this evening was one of the more simple designs – sleek and fit perfect for your dimensions. It was made of Cantonican gold silk and possessed thin straps, a modest slit and a medium length train. However, it made up for its simplicity with the daring back exposure. The dip dropped just above your –

“Gorgeous...” Kylo appeared behind you suddenly.

He fiddled with the cuffs of his perfectly tailored all-black suit and eyed you wolfishly in the mirror. His gaze shifted to your back as he worked his jaw. Something wicked was clearly on his mind. 

You turned a bit to catch a glimpse at what had his attention. As clear as day in your reflection was the bite mark you’d been branded with earlier. Even after showering and moisturizing, it had remained persistent. You rolled your eyes and reached for a nude lipstick. At least you could hide his attempt there.

You threw him a glance as you moved on to fuss with your hair.

“Can I help you, sir?”

“Oh, me? Just looking.” He murmured and stepped closer, inspecting your backside not so discreetly. 

“Mhm.”

“Are you with anyone this evening?” His voice dropped lower. 

His gentle touch settled on the back of your neck. Then began its descent down the length of your spine like it had earlier, leaving a pathway of chills in its wake. You caught his eyes in the mirror, trying to maintain a look of indifference as you moved on to apply a bit more massacre. 

“No, actually I’m not.”

His finger stopped its' descent and he frowned. “You’re supposed to say, _yes_.”

“Wait, I thought we were role-playing.”

His jaw tensed. “ _No_ …we’re practicing what you’re supposed to say to any suitors you may acquire tonight.” 

You cackled and brushed past him, heading back into the main room of the suite. “I thought your little teeth job was supposed to handle that for me.”

“Yeah…but the mark is already starting to fade.” He grumbled, following swiftly after you.

“That’s what you get. Now let’s go. Our speeder is probably outside, and remember…no sabers tonight…Qi'ra is like family. We shouldn't need them.”

You grabbed your clutch and made for the door, but Kylo grabbed your arm.

“I love you.” He whispered.

You leaned in and pecked his lips soft enough not to transfer the lipstick. 

“I know."

A few minutes later he was holding your hand, helping you step up into the private speeder you’d ordered for the evening. He caught your train as you situated yourself making sure it didn’t snag on the side. You glanced down and flashed a smile before turning to address the driver.

When you looked up, a familiar face was gawking at you. 

“You’re the lady I was trying to help back on Jakku a few months ago!” The familiar voice exclaimed. “I was your pilot remember? I’m glad to see you alive!"

You blinked then chuckled softly. "Uh...yeah, yeah. What a small galaxy. How’d you end up here?"

“Well after all that mess, I got the fuck off of that planet and moved out here to start my speeder business…escorting all the rich bastards and their mistresses back and forth across this stuck up little town. Pays much better than piloting did, I gotta tell ya.”

Kylo came around to the other side and hopped in, glancing back and forth between the two of you. You giggled a little as his face flushed. 

The pilot continued, "When I woke back up, I was afraid that masked First Order psycho had done something to you. Good to see you're in one piece. Me on the other hand?…I still feel a dull ache when I swallow sometimes.”

Kylo shifted beside you and stared forward wordlessly.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s a long story about that one. He’s been handled though, _trust_ me.” You smirked. 

The seat squeaked underneath you as the _Masked First Order Psycho_ whipped around. 

“You’re talking about Kylo Ren, right? I heard he’s shredded. No way you bested him.” He huffed. 

The pilot cut in, adjusting his mirror as he did. “I don’t know buddy. I was unconscious for most of it, but before that, she did this cool stuff with her hands, and she made these TIE fighters freeze mid-air. Never seen anything like it. I’d say she gave him a run for his credits.”

You puffed out your chest. “Oh I did, he’s probably still somewhere withering in the sand.” 

“I hope he’s buried in it. Bastard ruined my entire ship.”

Before you could chime back in, Kylo cut in quickly.

“We’re in a rush. Could you start the journey, please?”

The driver took a leisurely path through the city, giving you time to sightsee and regain familiarity with your old stomping ground. It was still overrun with unnecessary symbols of wealth - cobblestone streets that made drunken nights a bit harder to navigate, the private beaches that the cops chased the drunks off of, golden high rises barely anyone could afford, and the pristine shopping district which had rejected every single one of your job applications when you first arrived. 

After a while, the speeder entered the air traffic lane for the biggest sight in the city, and your destination for the evening. You peeked over the side and studied the palace style walkway of the largest casino in the city, watching the wealthy locals and visitors pour in and out. They were dressed in their most ridiculous and inefficient attire – gowns and suits one could barely move in. Your nervous fingers smoothed out your simple gown as you observed. 

“You outshine them all.” Kylo’s whisper came. 

You jumped a bit and glanced over, smiling softly before reaching and straightening out his tie.

“Thanks. You look very handsome as well.” 

“Meh. I hate the feeling of being exposed. I’d prefer to have my mask at least.”

His eyes shot to the driver who had remained oblivious. He raised his eyebrows at you slightly and you giggled and gripped his hand. 

“You seem nervous. Is everything alright?”

“It’s just…I wish we could’ve gotten in contact with her before just showing up.”

“Well, it shouldn’t be that much of a problem if she’s an old friend. You left in pretty good standing, right?”

“…I’d characterize it more as _leaning_.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose slightly and sighed. “Gods, what did you do?” 

“I was a hot-headed 15-year-old. What didn’t I do?” 

Turning to you fully, he grumbled. “What the hell are we about to walk into?

The speeder began lowering, and you bit your lip anxiously. 

“She knows me. I’m sure everything will be fine. Just…be respectful, and things shouldn’t go to shit.”

He scowled for a moment but nodded. 

Once the speeder hovered at a convenient height, Kylo exited first and came around to the other side to offer assistance as you stepped down. Once again taking your delicate train in his grasp. 

“Have a good evening folks! Stay away from masked psychos.” The driver waved. 

“We’ll do that!” You laughed.

Kylo grumbled underneath his breath and tugged you along. 

As you both entered the casino, the familiar roar of the drunken boisterous crowd hit all at once. The dings of slot machines and shuffling of chips just added to the chaos. You tried to steady yourself as you scanned the overly polished expanse, making out a few friendly faces – undercover First Order officers who had arrived early to blend in with the crowd. They were there as backup in the case that things went wrong. 

Safe for the subtle reminder, it almost felt like you were just out for a night on the town. Since Kylo’s mask had helped conceal his identity across the galaxy for years and because you’d just recently pledged your _false_ allegiance, the two of you appeared to be a normal couple, just enjoying the evening – not undercover agents investigating war tactics. No one knew your rank, not even Qi'ra, and the goal was to keep it that way. 

You nodded gently to the last officer you recognized, then turned, letting your eyes fully sweep over the stretch of wealth and luxury. It felt like a not so welcoming homecoming. The dark marble floor looked ready to swallow you whole, the huge arched ceilings oddly made you feel claustrophobic, and the furniture had never looked gaudier. On top of that, an array of rich beings sauntered about throwing judgmental looks your way over their monocles.

"Ignore them. We look hot." Kylo ducked down and spoke in your ear, sobering you up a bit.

You giggled and took a deep breath, but it was hard to shake the overwhelming dread of nostalgia that rushed through you.

You’d run into enough trouble to write an epic, just during the first couple of weeks you’d arrived in Canto Bight. What you’d been running from at the temple had only hunted you down here - an obligation to some higher power with a set of unquestioned codes. But in Canto Bight, that higher power was money…and unfortunately for you, you didn’t wield it as easily as you did the force. 

That was part of the reason why you’d ended up gravitating towards Qi’ra. She'd swept in and paid off some of your debts early on and taken you under her wing. But, even in all her larger than life wealth and grandeur, she still had an air of humility about her – like she knew hardship and wasn’t so much impressed by money, but more so the security it brought. And unlike most of the other top players in the city, her attire wasn’t just for silly show. No, there was a practicality about it all. She seemed to wrap herself in fine fabrics as a suit of armor, always layered and flexible in the case of trouble. She'd amassed quite a reputation by the time you met her. She was respected, loved, feared. A role-model. 

So an interesting duo the two of you had made - a woman fully anchored in the turbulent, Cantonican society, and a floundering child who'd gotten swept in with the tide. Sharing one common interest - Fathiers. Hers in racing them, and yours in petting them. 

As the fond memories began to fade, you focused deeper into the crowd again searching for her face, but couldn’t seem to locate her. You nodded to yourself. It wasn’t like her to be mixed in with the common crowd anyway. If she still moved as she did back then, she was most likely ducked off in one of the private rooms, hosting some crooked diplomat who was trying to smuggle second rate weapons to quell planetary uprisings. 

“Do you see her?” Kylo’s voice came. 

“No, but I have an idea of where she might be.” 

You took his hand and started making your way through the crowd, squeezing past busy tables and ducking under champagne holders as servers breezed by. You didn’t stop your trek through the posh jungle until you made it up a small flight of stairs leading to a roped-off area. A snarky looking security guard stood awaiting you, arms crossed in front of his perfectly pressed suit as he squinted his eyes.

“No one is allowed back here without an invitation.” 

You waved him off. “I need to speak with Qi’ra, Which room is she in?”

He narrowed his eyes. “Who are you?”

Kylo stepped forward and leaned in to handle the situation, speaking just above a whisper.

“You will tell us which room she is in, and you will let us pass.” 

The man’s shoulders rose then fell before he quickly sidestepped and unhooked the rope. “3rd door on the left. Enjoy!”

Kylo smirked and gestured for you to lead the way. You brushed past and approached the designated door, but before you could barge in, another security guard came out, puffing out his buff chest and stepping directly in front of you two. 

“No one is allowed in here.”

Kylo started to speak again, but you grabbed his arm. 

“No, I want to try.”

He raised a brow but stepped back. You turned back to the guard who was regarding you both with a confused expression. 

“You will let us in.”

“…I will…let you…in?”

He paused for another moment and you held your breath, but eventually he stepped aside. You quickly pushed through the door before he changed his mind. It led you into another long corridor, but you could hear faint piano music and conversation coming from a dimly lit room at the end. 

Kylo decided to offer some quick critique as you made your way down the stretch. “You’re getting better, but did you see how he hesitated so long? It’s like your spell doesn’t settle quick enough. Speak with more intention next time.”

You rolled your eyes. “Okay, _Luke_. Thanks for the input.” 

“Don’t call me that!”

“ _Obi-Wan_ then? That’s who you were originally named after, right?”

“You’re really testing me today.” 

You waved him off as you neared the room. He started to speak again but you raised your finger to your lips before entering the space. 

All chatter ceased and the piano music came to an abrupt halt. You quickly scanned the room, feeling a familiar presence instantly. Qi’ra’s eyes were already on you when you finally found her. There she was at the center of the room, seated at the head of the only table, and surrounded by various important looking beings. 

Her familiar, guarded expression greeted you – a thin smile with narrowed eyes. No words were spoken, but her accusatory stare spoke volumes. She looked past you for a moment, studying Kylo with a tilt of her head as if there was some recognition there, but quickly brought them back to you and lowered the glass of wine she had raised to her lips. Everyone at the small table quickly followed suit, placing their glasses down and watching her for further instruction. But her attention was still on you. You swallowed. 

“I see my security is still no match for you.” Her posh, cut-glass accent floated across the expanse of the room.

Her tone was curt. Still anxiety inducing.

From where she sat, it looked like she was on a throne of sorts, surrounded by feeble advisors. You let out a slight breath and ducked your head in an awkward bow before stepping forward.

“No injuries this time…promise.”

Her thin smile stretched just a bit and she stood. Everyone else began to stand as well, but you noticed her do a quick gesture, and they quickly retook their seats, looking back and forth between you and her curiously. Silence endured as she rounded the table and began to slowly approach. You were reminded of how petite she was as she neared, although her aura cast a long shadow. She shimmered before you, ever elegant and ladylike in a champagne colored gown, wearing little jewelry safe for a necklace that dipped between her breast. It had an odd jagged design - easily convertible to a weapon. You tore your eyes from it and looked back at her stoic expression. She was closer now. 

She’d aged since the time you spent there, but still was as beautiful as ever with youthful cheekbones and kind eyes, when they weren’t narrowed. Her hair had grayed more, but was still thick and perfectly styled, rolling down past her shoulders in wavy curls.

She stilled a few inches before you and looked you up and down. 

“You’re not as scrawny as you used to be.” 

You froze, not knowing what to say. That was a compliment by her standard, but still, you knew to stay quiet. 

She suddenly reached forward, but you tensed. She’d always been an odd one to read. Warm and affectionate sometimes, cold and calculating others. You’d watched people dip and dive out of her favor on a loop during the time you’d known her, and her skills with a blaster had become apparent early on. Seeing as how you’d just barged in on what was most likely a business meeting, and since you hadn’t left on the best foot, you weren’t foolish enough to think you wouldn’t be staring down the barrel of one soon. 

She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes further, pausing her reach. 

“Oh, don’t be like that. I’ve long since forgiven you for that Libertine Derby fiasco” Her dignified tone broke just for a brief second with a hint of humor. 

You relaxed and let her pull you in for a warm hug, but kept your arms hung lamely at your sides. Her expensive perfume swarmed your senses, reminding you of the few fond memories you did have from this place. It was a soft sent, not too loud or floral - just right with notes of spicy fig and warm musk. It was demure. It was her.

As she released you, soft laughter bubbled from you. In just a split second, she’d been able to reduce you to feeling like a foolish girl again. 

She held the sides of your arms and gave you her first genuine smile before glancing over your shoulder to acknowledge Kylo. 

“And who do we have here?”

“Oh um…this is…” 

You panicked realizing that you two hadn’t come up with an alias. His face might’ve been unrecognizable, but the name was notorious. Understanding flashed in his eyes, and he quickly blurted out the first name that came to mind. 

“Obi…”

You stifled a giggle and glanced at your feet as he stepped forward. He bowed his head respectfully and extended his hand to her. 

“I’m Obi. I’d like to apologize for us just barging in like this, but I’ve heard a lot about you and was eager to make your acquaintance. Qi’ra, is it?” 

She was silent for a moment but extended her hand for his taking. He lifted it slowly and pressed his lips to it. 

“You’re very well put together…and _tall_.” 

You narrowed your eyes slightly. She was known for being a charmer, but you’d already staked your claim on the big oaf. 

He blinked but bounced back quickly. “You flatter me, ma’am.” 

She regarded him, cooly, then answered his initial question. “And yes…Qi’ra it is.”

He flashed a charming smile and squeezed her hand before dropping his own back down to his side. “A lovely name.”

She glanced at you with a knowing expression then reached to tug at one of his cufflinks as if he were an old friend.

“Beskar?”

“Mined straight from the ruins of Mandalore, ma’am.” 

“A rare metal. Very durable.”

“Indeed.” 

You looked back and forth between the two of them, happy to see that they were taking to each other. However, you couldn’t help but feel suddenly out of the loop. They both seemed to be navigating on some level of opulence you hadn’t yet acquired the skills for. You cleared your throat to bring them back down to Cantonica.

She turned swiftly and made a gesture to the unfamiliar faces still seated at the table. They all quickly stood and hurried out of the room, taking their wine glances as they did, safe for a scrawny little man who remained and assumed a position in a back corner and the pianist who had been sitting idly by. Another wave of her hand and the pianist struck a few chords and got back to playing a soft piece. 

“Do sit!” She encouraged.

You glanced up at _Obi_ who smirked before you both stepped forward to take your seats across from her. You took a moment to take in the setting. You knew the room well. It was a decent sized lounge, splashed in golds and bronzes and topped off with an array of crystal chandeliers that reflected off the walls at certain angles.

As she settled, her eyes darted back and forth between the two of you until she addressed you directly. 

“You’ve done well for yourself…it looks like you’re being taken care of.” Her eyes flicked quickly to Kylo then back to you before she lifted her glass to her lips. 

You blushed and glanced away. 

“So what trouble brings you here now? There must be something wrong. I believe the last thing you said to me was ‘I never want to see you again’, and yet here you _are...seeing_ me.”

And just like that, her tone switched, reminding you that she was still a slippery slope to climb. Your foot wasn’t back in the door just yet. 

You shifted and Kylo chuckled under his breath, observing the dynamic curiously. 

“Qi’ra I-”

“Orron!” She called over her shoulder. 

The scrawny man who had remained jumped a bit and rushed forward.

“Open another bottle of port and bring it out. White this time." 

He nodded and disappeared quickly through a back door. 

She turned back to you, tilting her head. 

“…Go on.”

You narrowed your eyes and straightened up a bit, remembering your current position. You were with the First Order now, and half of the dyad that would bring peace to the galaxy. Not some little girl she could boss around anymore. 

“ _It’s good to see you too_.” 

She gave a small nod and a look of mutual respect passed between you two. She understood that things were different. 

“But I’m not here because I’m in trouble, but because I’ve been tasked with doing some investigation.” 

“Whatever for?” 

“Well…” You glanced over at your partner. “We’re here on assignment to gather some insider information on arms sales…particularly those dealings conducted for the ongoing war."

You swished her glass around in her hand, raising her eyebrows slightly.

“When did you get involved with the nitty-gritty politics of war?” 

“An opportunity fell in my lap, and I took it. I learned that from you.” 

She nodded and pursed her lips. She couldn’t argue with you there. 

“On whose behalf are you seeking this information?”

“We serve a neutral third party. That’s all we can tell you.” Kylo interjected.

She was silent for some time, eyeing him more skeptically now. You could feel a subtle shift in the room.

“Well…I don’t deal directly with most of the exchanges anymore…I’m more of a middleman. I link people together and provide the table, but I’m pretty hands-off.”

“But still…you know _who’s_ meeting and _what’s_ being discussed at those tables, correct?” You pressed.

She smiled slightly, impressed, but continued to play it coy. “Well yes, but I’m afraid I’ve signed several nondisclosure agreements. The details you need…I just can’t share.” 

“I’m sure we can come to some new agreements of our own.” Kylo leaned back casually and raised his hands with a smug shrug. “Let’s keep a little optimism here.” 

She turned to him and cocked her head a bit. “You remind me of someone… _Obi.”_

He maintained his gaze. “How so?”

“I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s something in the mannerisms" She squinted, "...and you also possess a very familiar air of confidence...but it's probably just something in the eyes.” She waved her hand absently. 

He raised his brows. 

“Ma’am” Orron appeared, interrupting. “The Port.” 

“Ah yes, yes. Thank you.” She nodded and gestured for him to begin pouring new glasses. 

Kylo waved his hand indicating that he didn’t want any, and you observed Qi’ra take note of it. She liked to wine and dine. It was how she typically loosened people up, so you hoped she didn’t take any offense. You took a quick sip of your own glass to smooth over the incident. 

Kylo pressed on, “I’d love to know more about this _friend_ of yours. If he has your favor, I’m inclined to adopt more of his qualities.” 

_Kiss ass._

You felt a large hand grab your thigh under the table, and you quickly took another sip to hide your smirk. 

Qi’ra’s eyes flew back to him and glossed over slightly. “Oh…it’s unimportant. That was a long time ago.” She grabbed Orron's hand as he turned to leave. “Sit with us, darling.” 

The frail man blushed profusely and lowered himself into the seat beside her. You knew from knowing her that he wasn’t her type at all - probably just someone she kept around who jumped at her every beck and call. He seemed happy to be there at least. She had one of those personalities that made you flock to her even if that meant running straight into fire. He started to happily pour himself a glass of the white port, and you took another sip to stop your self from sending Kylo a message about the man's balding head. 

Qi'ra sighed slightly before continuing on, “But…as I said, I’m afraid I can’t be of much assistance.” 

“Qi’ra…we know each other." You pushed back. "You know I wouldn’t willingly put you in harm’s way. Your identity would be kept in confidence.”

“What kind of business have you gotten yourself involved in, little one?” She questioned. Genuine concern was in her voice. 

You frowned and swallowed. You could feel her starting to derail the conversation a bit. 

“I…I’m just a concerned galactic citizen…eager to know what weapons are being put into the hands of these warlords.” 

She stared at you, not at all convinced but nodded gently. 

You lifted your glass for another sip, but Kylo suddenly took it from you before it reached your lips. 

“You’ve had enough.” He whispered. 

You frowned and caught Qi’ra’s eyes on you before quickly looking away. Both she and Kylo seemed dead set on babying you the entire evening. Orron seemed to notice the interaction as well and quickly placed his glass back down as if the lecture had also been directed to him.

Something seemed to have agitated Kylo within a split second. Whether it were her reluctance to cooperate or something else you didn’t know, but it set you equally on edge. He narrowed his eyes as he sat your glass down on the other side of him before continuing.

“We’re not looking to shut down any operations, ma'am. Just curious to know what conversations have been taking place here…I don't feel like that's asking too much. No money out of your pockets…not lost lives...” 

A few tense seconds passed between the four of you at the table. You and Orron remained the docile sidekicks while the two bullheaded leaders sized each other up. 

Eventually, Qi’ra crossed her hands in her lap and sat up straighter as she addressed Kylo directly. 

“I ask you again…on whose behalf are you here? I’ll need to know specifics before I just willingly give out information. I’m sure that’s a compromise you can make for me if I do decide to cooperate.” 

You let out a slow breath and waited for Kylo to make the next move. You had hoped the conversation had moved past this question. He tapped his finger on the table, considering her coldly for a moment. 

“We’re here on behalf of the First Order." He admitted to your surprise. "There’s the truth.”

After another brief callous stare between the two of them, he continued, “But you knew that already…didn’t you?”

You frowned and turned. 

He glanced over but pressed as his tone became more and more accusatory. “When you sent, Orron…is it?”

Orron’s eyes widened and he glanced at Qi’ra before nodding. 

“When you sent him to get the wine, that was a cue to call in your extra security." He tilted his head to look past her, "I sense at least 8 life forms on the other side of that wall…They weren’t there before.” 

Your heartbeat sped up and you honed in on your senses to detect the signatures he spoke of. And sure as hell, they were there - big burly masses hidden on the other side of the wall, each with several blasters in hand. You slid your gaze back to her. Your guard had been completely down. Your hands flew to your waist clutching for your sabers, but you quickly remembered that you’d left them back at the hotel. 

She smiled slightly as she took a casual sip, raising her eyebrows. Impressed. 

“Qi’ra!”

She placed her glass down and shot you a look of mock apology, “Can you blame me? The First Order isn’t exactly known for diplomatic sit-downs.” She pressed the comlink on her arm. “You all may enter.” 

Swiftly, her guards came through the back door. You watched them settle against the wall, holding their blasters with purpose and hard expressions. 

“How did you know?” You demanded.

“Those _undercover_ agents you have out there…they are not as discreet as you think." She chuckled a bit, "Over the years I’ve learned how to pick them out in crowd. They’re far too stiff to be regulars. When I arrived, I knew someone from the Order would be visiting me tonight, I just didn’t expect _you_ to be with them.” 

You spoke trying to remain level but stern, “So you understand our demands much clearer then? We need any information you have on recent Resistance acquisitions.” 

“I’d like to know first, what’s in it for me.”

“Fair warning to evacuate if we ever decide to obliterate this planet,” Kylo spoke shortly. “I think that’s compensation enough.” 

She turned to look at him. “Such a kind gesture… _Commander_.” 

You tensed, but Kylo kept a straight face, tilting his head slightly.

“You know me?” 

“Oh, I knew the moment you walked in who you were…that hulking frame…I’ve heard enough horror tales to recognize you without the mask. I just didn’t expect the devil to be so wickedly handsome." She sneered slightly, "Your reputation proceeds you… _Kylo Ren_.”

He smiled sinisterly and leaned forward, studying her more closely.

“Then you’re well aware of the lengths I’m willing to go to get the information I desire.” 

She didn’t say anything, just stared back at him. They both maintained disingenuous closed mouth smiles as they sized each other up. Once again you felt thrown out of the loop as they communicated something with their eyes, just less politely this time. You looked back and forth between the two of them, panicking slightly. You were still processing her betrayal and now the conversation was taking another dive. Things had taken such a sharp turn.You decided to jump in, in an attempt to reel everyone back. 

“Listen…we didn’t come here to harm anyone. We’re simply here to gather intel and I had hoped you’d pass along some information or at least point us in the right directions. The First Order is willing to fully compensate you for any assistance you may have to offer.” 

She turned to you, ignoring your attempt to douse the situation. 

“I must say.” She chuckled darkly. “I knew your path would always stray from that of the traditional Jedi, but I didn’t think you’d end up completely on the opposite side of things. I’ve had my run-in with a Sith, darling. Trust me, the spark will eventually die out.”

She brought her glass to her lips quickly and took another sip as she kept her eyes on you. Disappointment met you there.

“I-”

“I'm not a Sith, but still, I can assure you that you’ve never had a run-in with anyone like me," Kylo cut you off. "And she’s right where she belongs… _taken care of,_ as you previously mentioned. Now back to the information you have on the Resistance.” 

He was vying for total control of the situation, but you knew she was just as bullheaded. She wouldn’t allow herself to be so easily dethroned. 

She took a deep breath before placing her glass down, considering for some time. 

“I suppose...I can share a bit of information, but it’ll have to wait. I have another engagement across town I must get to soon." 

Kylo sat back. You could feel his agitation bubbling out onto your skin. 

You’d thought it would be a smooth introduction and an even smoother meeting. Both of them seemed so accustomed to talking big moves and pulling rank, but perhaps that was the very reason why they were at each other now. Two egos with something to prove. 

“Maybe we can set up some private meeting in the coming weeks? How long will you two be staying?” She offered. 

Kylo shot it down. “We don’t have a lot of time. We need the information _now_ , and you’re going to give it to us.”

She shifted in her seat and laughed, “And how do you intend on retrieving that information? Will you just take it from my mind? Not a very pleasant experience from what I recall.”

“That’s one option, but I’d rather not do something so invasive…considering we’ve just met.”

“Such a gentleman.”

You felt his energy completely shift then, and before you could speak, his eyes flicked to her companion, Orron, who had been sitting quietly, sipping his port during the entire verbal war. As he brought the glass back to his lips, he startled, dropping it to the floor where it shattered on impact. You sucked in your breath, watching his face contort quickly, understanding immediately what was happening. You turned to Kylo finding his normal calm and composed expression - not a drop of sweat in sight, no strain in his brow, no clear sign of effort coming from him, but you could see in his eyes that he was indeed pulling on dark strings.

Qi’ra glanced over at the man nonchalantly as his hands flew to his throat. He hurled forward in his seat in a most unflattering manner.

Her guards rushed forward, and a blaster shot rang out. You clutched at Kylo, but he lifted his arm quickly, deflecting the shot effortlessly with one of his Beskar cuffs. It made sense now why he’d worn them. The deflected shot hit one of the chandeliers a couple of feet behind Qi'ra. All the pieces shattered at once, raining down behind her head in a thunderous chorus. The soft piano music which had provided some relief ended abruptly as the pianist fled, and all the guards jumped back just in time. 

She never flinched. Never took her eyes of Kylo through it all. She raised her hand addressing her guards as everything settled.

“No more shooting please, I rather liked that piece.” 

You took the moment to try to rein in your hot-head too, realizing he still had his force grip around Orron's neck.

“Kylo…”

He didn’t react, only hardened his gaze on the poor man before him who was now on his knees clawing desperately at his tie as if that would bring some relief. Even through all the chaos of the blaster shot and the chandelier falling, Kylo had never let up. 

“There it is. I remember this part.” Qi’ra sighed softly, eyeing the situation passively.

Kylo’s eyes shot to her.

“Tell us now, or he dies.”

“Please…” The man croaked.

“I’m sure we can explore another form of negotiation.” Qi’ra smiled gently, still unmoved.

“Kylo…please.” You whispered. “Please don’t do this. She will help us. This isn’t the way.”

He turned to you slowly, raising his eyebrow in offense. You flinched back slightly, afraid that you were about to be his next target, but the sputtering from the floor made it clear he was still focused on one person. 

“You’re causing a scene.” 

He narrowed his eyes slightly but you held his gaze, challenging him. His lip twitched and then he turned away quickly. The man gasped, and his palms hit the ground as he suddenly took in unexpected air. He coughed roughly as saliva flew from his mouth. You made to stand and assist him, but Kylo placed his hand on your thigh firmly, massaging gently, but his grip was the least bit comforting.

You bit down on your tongue and looked away as the man slowly came to, pushing himself up on wobbling arms and legs.

“Orron, go collect yourself.” Qi’ra directed gently. 

He nodded as he continued to sputter and ran off. Qi’ra turned her attention back to Kylo, still maintaining her cool expression as if she was waiting to slap her loaded deck down on the table for a game-winner. 

“That was quite a performance.”

“Just the preview.” 

The silence that endured, stretched the length of the room for some time, except for the heavy breathing of her security who remained on edge. 

You inhaled and watched them both, eying her hand nervously for a blaster reach. When it was clear she wasn't about to make any sudden moves, you exhaled. 

“I’m sure we can all agree it’s been an eventful evening. Perhaps we can discuss at a later date as you suggested?” 

Qi’ra finally peeled her eyes from Kylo and smiled fondly. “Of course! How about we have another go at this at the races tomorrow – free entry and access to my box. How does that sound?”

“Sounds, splendid.” You quickly pulled out the small datapad you had in your clutch and handed it to her with trembling fingers. “Here…put your information in so you can send me details later.”

She took it but paused for a moment, looking back and forth between the two of you. Kylo remained silent but the bouncing of his leg and the balling of his fists made you wish she would just hurry up. Finally, she swiped through it and tapped the screen a couple of times before handing it back.

“Th-thank you." You stuttered. "And may I please ask that you forgo security next time around. We mean you no harm. I promise. We’ll come unarmed just as we are now.”

“You’re never unarmed, darling." She chuckled, "You hold the galaxy and all its potions and _poisons_ in the palm of your hands wherever you go.”

She looked to Kylo again, but his gaze was set on the security detail now. They glared back just as hard. 

Qi'ra continued, “But…I’ll agree to call them off…for _you_.” 

You nodded and stuffed the datapad back into your clutch, then reached across him to take one more sip of the port for the road. So much had just transpired and you needed something to soothe your nerves, but a large hand pulled you up before it reached your lips. The wine went dribbling down your chin and onto your gown as you stumbled to your feet. 

“Let’s go!” 

It wasn’t until Kylo had you back into the narrow hall that he started lighting into you. 

“Our cover's just been blown, and all you're focused on is getting drunk out of your fucking mind!”

Your eyes widened at the verbal attack. His anger towards you caught you off guard. 

“I’m not drunk! The only thing that needs sobering is your goddamn ego. What the fuck was that?” 

“You challenged me!”

“You both were being asses!”

“I was making my presence known. _You_ were shrinking back as usual. And you're the reason we were left exposed in there. ' _Qi'ra's like family'_ my ass.” 

“I don’t need this from you right now.”

“You don’t know what you need.” He spat. 

You took a shaky breath and yanked from his grasp, making your way back to the main gambling hall. You paused at the top of the stairs and glanced around. Some of the undercover agents had their eyes on the two of you, observing for any signs of distress. If only they fucking knew. Kylo’s large frame settled beside you before you could start down the steps. 

“I’m not going to argue with you here in public. If you have any more insults, save them for the hotel.” You warned before he could get a word out. 

“Now you want to look like a united front?” 

You flexed your fingers at your sides and started your descent down the stairs without him, carrying your train yourself this time. He scurried down beside you. 

“Answer me! Why didn't you back me in there?”

“What did you want me to do, Kylo? Choke her out for you. What? You’re so against using the force on women, now? Seemed pretty quick to use it on me during our first few reunions, remember?”

He sneered and it pissed you off more. Venom frothed from your lips. 

“I won’t harm her just because that's what _you'd_ do. I don’t just blank on people and attempt to murder them when I'm having a bad day!” 

His eyes widened, and you gasped as your own words sobered you up.

“Kylo, I didn’t mean that…”

“Yes…Yes, you did.”

“I…”

“It’s fine…” 

He hovered for a moment, looking at you with a broken expression before tearing off down the steps and pushing through the celebratory crowd.

* * *

The vibration under your heels signaled that the first race of the day had just gotten underway. You stood waiting for a lift to take you to Qi’ra’s box, eying your reflection in the glass ahead. Kylo stood at a distance as an awkward silence stitched itself between the two of you, making it hard to ignore each others' presence. 

Not many words had been spoken when you’d returned to your room the night before, and not many had been added to the roster when you awoke in the morning – just curt questions and one-word answers here and there whenever necessary as you prepared for the day.

You understood his frustration with getting no leads, but a major rift had revealed itself in your methods of negotiation. You didn’t know where to even begin unpacking that. All the signs had been there prior to the trip, but experiencing it in the flesh last night had been jarring. Bullying your way to power was not what you wanted.

But you knew you were in the wrong too. Your harsh words had only added fuel to the fire and opened up old wounds you'd pledged to keep covered. You shook out the ruffles in your sleeves and smoothed down your blouse as you caught your reflection. You looked broken, exhausted, guilty. You glanced over to take a peek at his reflection while he wasn't looking. He was wearing a more casual suit today, but he looked everything but it. A tense stare and weary eyes met yours briefly in the glass before they slid away. 

The bell rang, and the lift doors opened. You paused waiting for him to step ahead, but he wordlessly ushered you on first. You ducked your head awkwardly in thanks like he was a stranger and hurried on. A few seconds later the doors slid closed and you started your ascent. He spoke first.

“Listen…we have to be smarter about this. The mission has already been compromised since she knows my identity and who we work for. We can’t afford to fuck this up anymore. We have eyes on us here just waiting to send word back to Snoke that we’ve failed. That can’t happen. He can’t have even the slightest inclination that our interests aren’t aligned with his if I am to ever successfully strike back. The appearance of loyalty is key…we must look united. 

“I understand-”

“Good.” 

“But before we walk in there, I want to address what I said last night.”

“I said it was fine.”

“But, it’s not.”

“Well, I’m over it, so let’s just try to have a productive meeting today, okay?”

“I need you to know that what I said last night…you were right. I was a bit drunk, but…I didn’t intend for it to come out like that. I don’t think of you that way…” 

He turned his head slightly to stare down at you as you tripped over your words, offering no solace or a glimpse of forgiveness in his gaze. There was nothing behind his eyes. 

“I said…it’s fine.” 

You dropped your head and nodded. 

The lift signaled your arrival to the designated floor and the doors parted shortly after, leading into the familiar archway. An attendant appeared, ushering you forward as if you didn’t know the place already, but you politely followed as he led you through the plush furnished interior The room was empty, and you were grateful that she'd kept her word on a limited guest list. The man stopped you both from stepping out into the large balcony, where Qi’ra stood with her back to you, enjoying the beautiful weather. 

"Madame."

Her shawl flowed in the wind as she turned, and the attendant bowed before walking away. 

“Ah, it’s good to see you again.” She smiled and removed her shades.

Her hair was pulled back in a sleek ponytail today, held down with hair clips of similar design to her necklace the night before - jagged and sharp, clearly for multipurpose use. She stepped closer and hugged you before turning to Kylo, offering a stiff nod.

“ _Mr. Ren_.”

“Qi’ra.” He bowed just as stiffly. “How is Orron?”

She tilted her head slightly and chuckled, “He’s been better. He opted to stay in today, complained about a sore throat. There was a rather cold draft in the room last night. A bit icy wouldn’t you say?”

You closed your eyes and inhaled, already fed up, but Kylo opted not to bite back just yet.

“Well, please extend my apologies to him when you see him later. My behavior last night was atrocious…I was out of line.”

“Don’t fret, That’s all behind us now.” She smiled sweetly, “Come along, I want to show you a sculpture I had commissioned last night. The artist’s turnaround time is impeccable.”

She led you both to a structure stationed toward the back of the room, positioned in between an arrangement of champagne glasses. You had no intention on touching any of that. As you got closer, the sculpture came into better view, and your stomach dropped. It was a replica of the Supreme Leader, seated at his throne similar to the time you first saw him. You hadn't seen any physical reminders of him for some time, and you had hoped to keep it that way. Ever since you learned of his sinister abuse against Kylo, your attitude towards him had only soured. Seeing his image now was not at all comforting. 

Qi'ra's voice cut through. “I had it made as a peace offering of sorts. A way to symbolize my willingness to support the First Order as we embark on this new business agreement.” 

You watched Kylo’s eyes. You knew his hatred for the man ran even deeper. He was keeping it restrained, but you had a harder time, quickly biting down on your tongue. 

“It’s lovely.” He smiled gently. 

Qir'a's smile stretched wider, and you braced yourself.

“I had it made out of the chandelier glass from last night…I didn't want it to go to waste.” 

He swallowed.

“Qi’ra…”

She glanced at you absently, raising her brow.

“I’ll be over here if you need me. Thanks for having us.” Kylo ducked his head awkwardly and settled on one of the plush couches, pulling out his datapad, likely to stay abreast on information coming from the Finalizer. 

“What did I do now?” She sighed.

You closed your eyes, “Please…just…”

“Oh come along. We didn’t have any proper catching up last night.” She grabbed your arm before you could finish and led you out to the balcony. 

As you caught up with her, you kept glancing back inside, watching as Kylo repeatedly declined food and drinks being offered to him by servers. He was having none of it. It hurt to see him isolate himself, but he refused to even look at you. Eventually, you just focused on the conversation as you watched the fathiers and their jockeys warm up for the next race. Over the murmur of the crowd seated below, you tried your best not to give away to much information about what you'd been up to the last 6 years. The last thing you needed was more judgment from her. It wasn’t until some time had passed that you felt a familiar tug on your arm, but much gentler than the night before. 

You turned to find Kylo standing there. 

“Can I speak with you?”

“Um, sure. Please, excuse me.” 

Qi’ra nodded, and you followed him back into the lounge, letting the glass door slide closed behind you. He cleared his throat and looked to the servants who quickly made themselves scarce. 

He started in, “Any leads?”

“No, not yet.”

“She’s given you _nothing_?”

You sighed. “It’s been a while. Can you blame her for wanting to take some time to catch up first?” 

“This is such a waste of time.” He grumbled.

“What would you suppose I do, Kylo? Pluck the information from her skull?”

“Preferably.” 

“Well, I’m not doing that. This is how you deal with people. You talk to them. You don’t bully them into submission.”

“That method seems to have served current and past regimes fairly well.”

“But we’re trying to build something different - something more _just_ , correct? Or at least that’s what you told me…I’m starting to feel like you’re just seeking more of the same and that you lied to get me to come back to you.” 

“I didn’t…” He hissed then paused to collect himself, speaking softer this time. “I didn’t lie to you…I want that future with you _desperately_. You have no idea how badly I want that. I want to live in peace with you, to protect you and make up for everything I did." 

You blinked back tears, realizing how much his guilt had been eating him up. From the subtle reminder from the taxi driver, to Qi'ra implying that he was bad for you, to your own words - he was truly overwhelmed with his shame. 

You started to speak to pacify him, “Baby, listen I-"

But you heard Qi’ra call your name through the glass. You turned and gestured that you’d be coming in a minute. And just like that, his mood soured and so did your chances of making any progress with each other. 

“There she is, probably summoning you to chat about the champagne notes…anything but what we need from her. How the hell did you get involved with this woman in the first place?”

“I told you, I needed a place to stay and she offered stability.” 

“In exchange for your labor?” 

“It’s not like the temple was any different.” 

“And just like there, I see you were desperate to seek out any parental figure you could find.”

You stepped back a bit, thrown off by his jab, but quickly collected yourself. 

“Well some of us aren’t blessed with amazing guardians like _you_.”

“Careful.”

You crossed your arms, “Or what?”

He narrowed his eyes and his nostrils flared before something caught his attention behind your head. You turned, noticing that the sculpture of Snoke was shaking slightly on the table. The box was too high up for any movement to be caused from the the races, which meant your combined volatile energies were likely the source. You uncrossed your arms and took a breath. He did as well and eyed the fixture until it settled. 

“All I’m saying, is this woman seems insane. You can’t be this blind to her manipulation.”

“She treated me like a daughter.” You defended. 

“She treated you like a slave." He snapped. "Used your powers to make herself richer and threw a few bones your way when she’d indulged herself enough. It’s very clear to me now. Why else would you have returned to the temple if life was so good here?”

“I came back for you! I’ve always come back for you!”

“Well start acting like it!”

That was it. You'd had it. You didn't care if your powers blew up the whole stadium at this point. 

“You are so ungrateful!" You hissed. "You can’t accept when anyone is trying to help you. It’s the same reason you got yourself into all of this mess because you couldn’t appreciate how good your parents were to you.”

He stepped closer and got directly in your face, speaking in a tone you'd never heard from him before. 

“You don’t know a damn thing about what my life was like outside the temple grounds. So don’t you dare talk to me about having _good_ parents. You of all people should be the last to speak, considering how yours left you on the doorstep of a man the galaxy thought was a fucking myth. They didn’t even know who the hell they were handing you off to, but you want to lecture me about _guardianship_!”

Your eyes widened and your bottom lip began to tremble. So many emotions you'd tired to sprinkle seeds of indifference over had just been ripped up by their root. Most notable - the feeling of being unwanted. 

He stepped back and looked just as mortified, but he seemed to have gained some clarity. His gaze flicked back behind you to the sculpture and he winced, cursing under his breath

“No, no, no. This is exactly what he wants" He groaned. 

You blinked in confusion as to what he was talking about. All you understood was the feeling of your anger and sadness puddling into one big mass, building pressure behind your skull as it threatened to spill out of your eyes. His words had cut deep, and while you wanted to cry, he was the last person you wanted to give the satisfaction of seeing you anymore broken. You turned to storm back out to the balcony where Qi’ra was standing. He called your name gently, but you didn’t turn around.

When you settled beside her, she turned with a giddy smile. 

“Oh darling, could you offer some assistance? My pick is the fathier with the spotted tail and green saddle. He's a real beauty. I'll let you meet him afterwards!" 

You slumped against the railing, not at all in the mood. “Oh, I…I don’t do things like that anymore”

She gave you a sideways glance and turned to look back at Kylo. A suggestive smile tugged across her lips before she spoke again.

“Love, if you’re in bed with the First Order, you can’t possibly have become that morally superior.”

Your cheeks flushed and you cleared your throat before glancing back yourself, catching Kylo pacing and watching you from behind the glass with worried eyes. He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but you quickly turned back around.

“But it’s beyond that, isn’t it?" She pressed. "Broodish and handsome over there has your heart, doesn’t he?”

“I fail to see how that’s any of your concern.” 

She chuckled and dug into her pocket to pull out her binoculars. You stood up straighter, realizing that a new race was about to start. 

Her voice came a moment later. “He doesn’t like me very much does he?”

“Well, you have been taking jabs at him.”

“I’m just feeling him out…" She defended, waving her hand. "You know what I used to tell you about dealing with powerful men. Check their egos early on or else they'll think they can bulldoze you for the rest of your life. I’ve had my fair share of stubborn gents…none as moody as him though.” 

“Don’t take it personal. He’s pretty difficult to satisfy.” You grumbled. 

She raised her brow slightly.

“Not in that way!”

She raised her hands in defense, smirking a bit as she brought her champagne glass to her lips.

“I was going to say, based on the way he watches you like a hawk and those teeth marks I noticed when you turned to go last night…it’s evident he’s very _satisfied. ”_

Your cheeks burned harder and you looked away.

“Alright…”

“I had to tease.”

“Did you?”

“No, but I wanted to.”

She nudged your arm slightly with her elbow and giggled as she sipped again. 

“He’s quite a sight, I must admit…but stodgy in a way I didn’t expect you to be drawn to...”

“What do you mean?”

“You were hard to wrangle at times…”

“I was not that bad.” You defended.

“I didn’t say it was a bad thing. In fact, it’s what endeared me to you. I saw a lot of myself in you…and still do.”

A loud bell rang and the stall doors on the track opened, releasing the fathiers as the new race started. The galloping feet created a thunderous echo in your already overcrowded mind. 

She continued after giving her pick a long stare in the first stretch.

“It’s just, I would’ve expected a less mechanical partner for you…someone not so looming…so smothering.”

“Smothering?!”

She leaned on the ledge and swirled her cup.

“He basically spoke for you last night and dragged you out of the room like some defiant toddler.”

Even though he’d just pissed you off, you still felt the need to defend him. 

“He’s just protective...”

“Whatever for?" She exclaimed. "You seem pretty capable of taking care of yourself just like all those years ago. It just appears more like he’s trying to overcompensate for something else. I take it he’s from you’re past…there seems to be some history there.” 

“I-”

She slammed her palm on the railing and cursed before you could continue. “Damnit! That blasted Gido Dystra's pick has taken the lead already. I made a bet with him earlier that I'm sure he's eager to collect.” 

She shook her head roughly and sighed, glancing sideways at a box a few meters away. You caught sight of the man who must’ve been Gido. He tipped his hat and grinned.

“Bastard.” She mumbled. “Anyways…I’m just saying, Mr. Ren is not exactly known around the galaxy for being the most patient person…” 

You narrowed your eyes, starting to get annoyed with all the insinuations. “Since when did you so willingly provide relationship advice? I’ve never seen you give anyone a second glance, let alone claim anyone. And don't say Orron is your beau because I know that's a lie. You'd never settle down.”

“Exactly! Which is what I'm trying to communicate to you.” She looped her arm through yours and gave you a little shake. 

You shook your head slightly. “You don’t understand what we have. It…it stretches beyond just physical attraction or good conversation….”

“Love…I was young once too. There is no need to try and explain the _unexplainable_ feeling of love to me." She whispered. "I was rather obsessed with a scoundrel of my own when I was your age...but what I had to learn is that there may come a time when your interests no longer align with those of your lover, and what you _need_ becomes something he simply can't provide.” 

Your grip on the railing tightened as her words settled and the race began to near its end. The huddle of fathiers had started rounding the corner on the homestretch. 

Her voice came again, “So what is it that you _need_?"

"I don't know." You whispered, feeling your head starting to pound. 

Too many thoughts were going through your head to answer that plainly. What you could immediately identify were the things you didn't want - the things you didn't like about your current state. Being sent out to do the bidding of an evil, marred man who hid in a cave. Being over talked and shut out by a man who'd promised to be your equal. Being constantly reduced to your past. It was like being chained in the dark and circled by monsters that you couldn't see, but could hear as they stalked closer. Fear is what ruled you in that state, what left you vulnerable. 

Then it hit you. Freedom is what you needed. Freedom from your fear and all tangible and abstract masters that wished to keep you chained to it. 

Your vision focused back on the track as you watched the large beast gallop to thunderous applause. Instinctively, you closed your eyes, trying to tap in with them, feeling the force bond you across the stadium. A couple of breaths and you were no longer on the balcony. No, you felt as if you were running amongst them, as if you were one of them. You could hear their heavy snorts, sense the anxiety driving them, feel the pain in their muscles as they pushed themselves to their limits, charging around an endless circle for the satisfaction of their masters. 

Something bitter gathered on your tongue, and as you swallowed, it settled in your belly, causing a vengeful ache to shudder through you. Your eyes flicked back open, and you knew then that you'd just plummeted to one of the levels of the force Luke had always warned about. You panicked, trying to claw your way back out, but it felt like you were watching yourself now, no longer in control. 

As the fathiers neared the finish line, your gaze shifted to other side of the track, locating the deserted stable area on the backstretch end. You hardened your stare on the structures, setting all your intention on freeing them from their masters. With a single nod of your head, the long row of stables simultaneously erupted, shooting up metal and debris in different directions on the far side of the track. No one was in the vicinity to be hurt, but the explosion sent a heavy vibration through the stadium and you finally pulled yourself from the paralysis, clutching tightly to the railing as the box swayed.

Shouts from the crowd rang out, and the fathiers began slowing their trots and rearing up at the distraction. Their jockeys cried out in shock and tried their best to rein them back under control, but chaos had already ensued.

Another loud bang came from behind, and you glanced back into the lounge area to see that the glass structure of Snoke had fully collapsed – shattered and reduced to nothing but tiny crushable shards. Satisfaction bloomed in your chest, but you were still terrified at what you'd just accomplished. You noticed more movement and saw Kylo stand slowly, gawking out the window at you. He glanced out at the disorder on the track then down at the shattered glass, then back at you. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. 

You turned quickly and took a couple of deep breaths trying to steady yourself. In the background you could hear the announcer calling for an evacuation. Through your blurred vision, you could make out officials rushing to the explosion site and beings scrambling to evacuate the lower levels of the grandstand. All of that made your head ache more. 

You turned your attention back to the fathiers seeking solace, noticing that most had thrown their jockeys off and were trotting in different directions. They were free in the chaos. That's all that mattered now. 

Qi’ra had remained calm through it all. Like she'd seen worse. She turned after a while and squinted at you before speaking. 

“So...I see you decided to help after all. If the race doesn’t finish, I don’t have to pay Gido...an interesting approach.” 

"I-"

"A bit overdramatic if you ask me, but sufficient nonetheless." 

"I-"

"Why'd you never pull this trick all those years ago? It provides much quicker results."

"I...I didn't know I could do that." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Orron. Ammirite? 😩  
> So who's most in the wrong? 😩 And yes, Qi'ra is allowed to be a contender.  
> And what do you think will come now that y/n's tapping into some darker forces?
> 
> This story is on a brief Hiatus. Thanks for reading this far!


End file.
